THE VISITATION

Gather 'round, boys and girls - I have a story to tell. It's a short story, but I'll do my usual best to make it unnecessarily long.
It's also an unfinished story. I have no idea what the outcome will eventually be.

In order to enhance the story, and enthrall you with viewing pleasure, I have photos! 

In my humble and dilapidated abode (that's my house, in case you're puzzled) there's a built-in bookcase adjacent to the kitchen. I can see it from the kitchen table - where I eat and often use my laptop.

The bookcase has six shelves. I use the fourth and fifth shelves to display a haphazard array of antiques. I chose these shelves because they're high enough to keep my two curious cats away. Unfortunately, the height of these shelves have never deterred the mice (no kidding, mice have attempted to nest there).

A photo of the bookcase taken yesterday, after I removed the antiques (I'm in the process of painting the shelves white - which has nothing to do with my story).

As you can clearly see, the shelves are cluttered. Many of the porcelain and China antiques are from the 1700s. The antique photos are all originals. They include photos of Queen Alexandra of England, her son Crown Prince Albert Victor, Russian Tsar Nicholas II and his son Alexei, and the Bavarian King Ludwig II.

This has nothing to do with my story, but I wanted to impress you.

So yesterday afternoon I'm sitting at the kitchen table - worrying about the endless thunderstorms, the constant power outages, and my increasing health issues (with are genuinely scaring the jeeters out of me).

And I look at the bookcase and THINK I see one of the photos move. I also heard a distinct clinking sound, coming from the other antiques.

Holy hell, I'm thinking. I hope there isn't a ghost in the house.

Reluctantly, I get up and go over to the bookcase to investigate.
At first I don't see anything out of the ordinary.

On close inspection, I think I see something curious behind the photos.....but I'm not quite sure.

The something that I thought I saw is becoming more clear......and I'm quickly catapulted into Panic Mode.
I didn't want to believe it - but it is alarmingly true!

Yes, boys and girls, there's a SNAKE lurking on the shelf among my antiques!!!!

I was far beyond shocked - -
I don't know how he got up there...or how he managed to avoid knocking all the antiques over.
To hell with the serpent! My first instinct was to remove as many antiques and photos as possible. I put on work gloves and began carefully removing items one by one. The snake's tail was sort of entwined in the back of one photo, so I left it there.

To make a long story short - which, of course at this point is a complete impossibility - I got my tried-and-true weapons of defense against serpents - - a broom and an empty trash can. It should be fairly easy to capture him.

But here's the kicker - - - -

When I returned to the bookcase, the snake WAS GONE!! Vanished.
I was beyond stunned. I searched everywhere but no sign of the serpent.

So here I am, writing this after midnight - knowing that there's a loose reptile somewhere in the house.

I'm reluctant to go to bed. If the snake can get onto the fifth shelf of a large bookcase, he can damn well crawl into my bed while I'm sleeping.

End of story?
Not quite. I'll be keeping an eye open all night. And I'll continue my search tomorrow. If I live that long.

Wish me luck, comrades. I sure as hell am going to need it.

                              Cheers, Jon

 

SNAKE

I had honestly planned to take a hiatus from blogging for awhile. I'm all blogged out - and exhausted from the unending "challenges" of life (notice, I didn't say "problems")

BUT
(here comes the inevitable "but")
I have to write about my latest unplanned adventure.

I had initially wanted to drive to town today.

But (there's that pesky word again) I didn't sleep all night, my health issues are making me feel like I'm the brink of extinction, and it is pouring rain.

Strike three! I opted to stay home.

I'll try to speed up this story (ha ha) by saying that, for the past few days, I've been hearing occasional strange noises in the house. It wasn't the cats. And it wasn't the mice. I know those noises fairly well.

Also, my cat Bosco (a curious fellow) has been acting strange. Several times he seemed like he saw a ghost. Cats can get spooky at times.

Early this afternoon (right after noon, in fact) I was sitting at the kitchen table, when I heard a loud crash in the living room. I would have attributed it to the cats, but Kitzee and Bosco were sitting with me near the table.
A second loud noise made me jump up (not an easy feat when I feel like I'm half-dead).

Bosco ran into the living room. When I got there, I was stunned to see that he encountered a snake!
A reptile. A viper. A creepy slithering thing that belongs outside.

This wasn't my first encounter with an indoor snake. I discovered one in my bedroom a few summers ago (I documented that incident in this blog).

I grabbed my camera and took a few quick pics of Bosco and Viper.

Snakes generally don't bother me, but what scares me is the fact that I don't know which ones are poisonous.
This snake coiled immediately when fearless Bosco got too close.

Fortunately the snake was near the front door.
I ran into the kitchen and armed myself with a broom and a plastic trash can (I removed the bag of trash from the can).

Thank goodness the snake was still coiled. I dropped the trash can right over him.
I opened the front door, but curious Bosco and Kitzee both ran out on the porch. I didn't want them anywhere near the snake, so I had to chase them into a bedroom with the broom.

I managed to get the inverted trash can out onto the porch. I quickly released the snake, ran back inside, and slammed the door.

The last snake that I had in the house seemed delighted to leave. He quickly slithered off the porch and into the brush.

This snake, however, didn't seem ready to go.

I waited a few minutes. Then opened the door a crack. There he was - right by the door, trying to come back in!

Snake trying to get back inside
 

Finally (finally) he slithered in the other direction and went under the wooden swing that's on the porch.

The last I looked, he was still there.
I'm praying that he won't get back in the house.

Well, that's my latest unpleasant adventure here in Nowhereland.

It's a good thing I didn't go to town. I wouldn't have seen the snake.

Big storms are predicted for tonight.
Another adventure awaits me....

                                  Cheers, Jon

Could have been a whipsnake or coachwhip
(I'm guessing)

 

WOODLAND HORROR

Unfortunately there's a Blogger glitch on this post and the comment "Thingy" (a technical word) went awry and has stopped working.

This is a (sort of) continuation of my previous post.

The past few days here in Daniel Boone Land have been ......particularly trying.
Let's begin with last Sunday and work our way up to the exciting climax.

Wasps are building nests everywhere around the house. That's nothing new, but this year they are extremely aggressive wasps. They attack with sudden, unexpected force like Kamikazi pilots. I was stung three times this summer.

Lately the wasps have been building a nest directly above the back door and every time I open it I get attacked.
On Sunday morning I cautiously opened the door and one  flew inside the house. It immediately hit my left hand and stung me under the thumb.

I always have bad reactions from insect bites, but this one was the worst. The pain subsided within a few hours, but my hand swelled like an inflated rubber glove - accompanied by intense itching.

By Monday morning my gigantic hand itched like an anthill and the itching was traveling down my wrist.

As if this wasn't enough, my back went "out". I always have severe back trouble due to old spinal injuries - but sometimes my back completely malfunctions and the pain is too excruciating to move.

While I'm scratching my ravaged hand and limping like Quasimodo, I suddenly get a bout of dysentery - courtesy of eating too much fermented cantaloupe and ice cream.

On Tuesday morning things are no better. I'm scratching, limping, and battling the shits.

I limp into the bedroom (wearing nothing but my underwear)  and notice that Bosco (the cat) is intensely looking at something.
That "something" is hiding behind an antique trunk at the foot of my bed.

Fighting my reluctance to face another problem, I eventually force myself to take a peek at the interloper.
It's grey, curled up, and has a tail.

I assume that it's a 'possum. I've already had two previous 'possums in the house. They're more annoying than scary.
I limp to the garage and drag in a cage. I put a bowl of cat food in the cage and carefully position the cage near the 'possum. That's how I caught the last two.

After ushering Bosco out of the room, I limp to the kitchen and get a broom. Perhaps I can coax the critter into the cage.

Imagine my surprise when I return to the bedroom.....and the critter is gone.

Imagine my HORROR...

okay, we can all scream now

......when I turn around and see a big snake sticking out of one of my dresser drawers!!!!!! ( I had left the drawer halfway open).

 I grabbed my camera and took this for posterity

My numb mind was having trouble registering reality.

That was no 'possum! It's a gargantuan serpent from hell!

I grabbed a trash can and the broom and VERY CAUTIOUSLY tried to coax the revolting reptile into the can.

It made a horrifying hissing sound, slithered into the drawer, and disappeared!!

I retreated from the bedroom and slammed the door shut. 

Now I'm limping, scratching, and shaking like a pansy in a zephyr.

Despite my agonizing back and knocking knees, I manage to get to the kitchen and....

You are not going to believe this, but I swear to Gawd Almighty it's true

....there's a small BIRD flying around!!!! It must have gotten in when I left the front door open a crack to let my other cat Kitzee out.

So there's a mega snake in my dresser drawer and a wild sparrow in the kitchen. It's like an expunged episode of Wild Kingdom.

I somehow managed to corner the bird and cup him in my good hand. Then I guide him out the front door. He was eager to leave.

I'm only assuming the bird was a he. It could've been a she.

 I start reading everything I can find about snakes on the Internet.

"Never fear snakes. They are our friends."

Yea. Tell that to Adam and Eve.

I cut through the PETA crap and start reading about the poisonous snakes of Tennessee.

Then I study photos, trying to identify the snake in the drawer. It's a complete impossibility.

The crash course on serpents is getting me nowhere. I'm clueless and afraid to go back in the bedroom. 

By now it's early evening. I eventually open the bedroom door a crack. The snake is slithering on a bookcase!

How the hell can they climb so good with no limbs??

I slowly approach, armed with a broom. The thing starts hissing again, slides down, and quickly disappears under a chest of drawers.

This time I'm determined to trap him. I grab everything I can find (boxes, books, etc) and block the entire area under the chest of drawers. I figure there's no way he can get out.

It's getting dark. I valiantly decide to wait until morning to capture him.

AND I courageously decide to sleep in my room.

Hell, this isn't the first time I ever slept with a snake......

I keep a bright light on.
I keep my myopic eyes peeled for danger.
I keep reassuring myself that the revolting reptile is safely imprisoned under the chest of drawers.

Dawn finally arrives.

At this point - trying to make a long story short is a complete impossibility.

 Despite my bad back, swollen hand, and monumental apprehension - I decide to take action quickly. Armed with a broom and plastic trashcan.....
I cautiously look under the chest of drawers.

The snake is gone.

While trying to keep from swooning, I limp into the living room and discover Bosco - - who is completely preoccupied with something.
It's the snake, hiding behind a box and hissing like a deflating dirigible.

After two dozen tries, I finally manage to swoosh the snake out from behind the box. It coils up. I grab a large plastic trash can and plop it over him.
Then I carefully maneuver the trash can to the front door. I lift it slightly and the snake quickly slithers out, over the porch, down the steps, and into the yard.
It looks three feet long.

He's unnervingly close to the house, but what the hell else could I do - - drive him to Nashville?

Here's the big question:
Is this a happy ending?

My hand is no longer swollen, but still extremely itchy.
My back hurts but I'm not exactly limping.
And I'm snake-free. At least for the moment.

It'll take a few months for a sufficient psychological recovery, and I now have another phobia on my (very) long list of woodland horrors. But I'll survive.

Maybe.