WILD NIGHT

Easter went on a rampage in the southern states. Devastating tornadic weather swept through Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, parts of Tennessee.

The news media hardly mentioned it. They were too busy force-feeding you an overdose of the Virus Bullshit. 

Easter always crowds my mind with appealingly sweet thoughts of spring: pastel flowers, fragrant blossoms, soft blue skies, ripe green fields - bunnies and baby chicks.

Here in the wilds of Tennessee Easter Sunday was drenched with torrential rain, dark with dismal skies, and chilly enough to make me hibernate under winter blankets.

It was a joyless day, but the really  wicked weather waited until dusk before it arrived. The winds whipped up with such incredible force that I thought I was back in Texas. 

I tried to ignore the howling gusts until suddenly the front door blew open all by itself!
To condense a long story, the dead bolt was installed improperly by the previous idiot who lived here. I have been meaning to fix it for an embarrassingly long time, but procrastination kept getting in my way.
The door-opening incident has inspired me to put the dead bolt on my lengthy ''To Do'' list.

Fortunately the lock on the doorknob works, and I barricaded the door with a chair.
During my five-and-a-half years in Tennessee I never felt wind this strong. A wooden ladder blew off the back porch and a metal chair soared off the front porch. Heavy things kept hitting the roof, which inspired my Gothic imagination.

I always worry about those tall trees that I like so much. They are only about twenty feet away from my bedroom. If they ever topple over, I'll be toast.

Since I'm surrounded by a forest, I could be pelted by trees from any direction. The thought curdles my blood during high winds.

In a cowardly attempt to ignor the foul weather, I crawled into bed and started to watch the old movie Easter Parade. Judy Garland didn't even finish singing her first song when the lights went out.

The power outage happened just at dusk. It was going to be one helluva long night.

Admittedly, I'm very ill-prepared for these nasty flukes of nature. I have oil lamps but no oil. I have transistor radios but no batteries. I don't know where the heck the battery for my laptop is.    
I have one feeble flashlight and a few candles.

It's almost impossible to describe how dark it is out here in the proverbial middle of nowhere. Blacker than the darkest shade of black.
The wind raged with sinister screams,  rain poured relentlessly. Unknown things outside kept banging and crashing. 

The thought that it was about ten hours until dawn inspired me to do a search with my feeble flashlight - looking for ANY item that might connect me with the outside world.

I found an old transistor radio in a drawer. Batteryless, of course.

A long extension of my search finally yielded an ancient cassette player that fortuitously had batteries in it.

Aside:
I don't often get to use the word "fortuitously".

By the feeble light of the flashlight, I transferred the batteries from the cassette player to the radio.
They worked!
Sort of.

The radio is lousy...and the radio reception out here in the Tennessee Boonies is far beyond appalling.

I could only pick up jumbled fragments of distant stations, undecipherable smatterings of words and music - - all sandwiched between rude, jarring static.

Note:
Is this blog post getting too long? Relax. You won't find this quality of free entertainment anywhere else.

To make matters worse, the only way the radio would work at all was if I put one hand on the station dial, put my other hand on top of the antenna, and pointed the radio toward the east.


(no, I am NOT exaggerating or kidding)

So I crawled into bed (accompanied by my two timid cats) with my feeble flashlight and the exasperating radio.

And all through the black night I kept one hand on the dial, the other hand atop the antenna, with the radio pointing east.

I managed to pick up a hillbilly station that was playing extremely morbid Gospel music about dying and going to Heaven, which I suppose was a redneck version of Easter joy.
One agonizing song after another - with no commercials or breaks whatsoever.

After about the forty-fifth song, I moved along and FINALLY found a station from the local town (which, from where I  live, is about a zillion miles away). 

At around 3:00 a.m. they finally gave a weather report: high winds, flash floods, but no tornadoes.
Three thousand people were without power (that's about the entire county) and dozens of trees were uprooted. 

There were uprooted trees on the street where my cousin lives (she lives near town).

By dawn, the wind started to abate and I was exhausted. I fell asleep.
When I woke up, the power was back on and there was no discernible damage outside. 

Thank God for small favors.
And unnecessarily long blog posts.

EASTER

Bunny and me

There is nothing more annoying than a frequent blogger. I've been blogging far too frequently lately and I harbor smidgens of guilt about it.

I haven't been replying to your comments, which makes me feel even more guilty. Be assured that I still love you. I'm simply caught up in the unconventional frenzy that has become our world, which has made me less conscientious than I usually am.

This is no ordinary Easter. Life as we once knew it has completely collapsed around us. We are struggling to cope and wondering if normalcy will ever return......

.....if, indeed, "normalcy" ever really existed.

My life has presently been reduced to wondering what style mask would be most becoming on me when I dare to venture out.

You don't think I'm really going to wear one, do you?

My dignity has been sapped by tussling with masked women in Walmart over a roll of toilet paper.

I wrote a sizzling blog post about the present situation of our nation, but (reluctantly) decided to scrap it.
I didn't want to scare any one.

Before I forget:
I was very pleasantly surprised at the favorable comments I received on my Good Friday post. Thank you!
I didn't think my video would be of much interest.

So, how was my Easter?

It's presently late afternoon. A chilly, dank, dreary day. I'm listening to the torrential rain and occasional thunder.

I had initially planned to have ham for dinner, with asparagus and sweet potatoes - but decided not to go through the trouble.

Then I planned to have chicken, but forgot to take it out of the freezer to thaw.

So, I had boneless pork chops, brown rice, and green beans - which was really good.
And I had orange cake with coffee.

 I'm actually in a very lethargic, uninspired mood.
Last night I watched The Wizard of Oz while eating pretzels and jelly beans.
I think I'm in my second childhood.
Or third.

Here are a few photos of Easters past - some taken when I lived in Texas.

 Scratch (also known as Kitzee)

eating the Easter tulips

Scratch

encountering the Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny

encountering a tumbleweed

(there were lots of them in my yard)

In Texas I used to buy the Mexican eggs, which were always brightly colored

I used to bake these egg-shaped cakes. They were filled with cream and had pink, yellow, and purple flowers on top - but they were a helluva lot of trouble to make.

Mother and chicks

Scratch

devouring mother and chicks

SATURDAY WITH PHOTOS

My Good Friday post probably didn't interest anyone other than myself, but - heck - I couldn't resist.

The spring blossoms in my neck of the woods started out with promise but faded quickly. My prediction came true: late frosts killed them. It happens every year.

A few days ago it was 75 balmy degrees (that's Fahrenheit, for those of you in Guam), but yesterday the temperature dropped to 40. Last night killer frosts arrived and expunged any semblance of spring. 

Devastating weather is predicted for Easter Sunday: raging storms, hail, and possible tornadoes.
I'm suddenly thinking of all the calm, beautiful Easters I remember in California and Texas.....   

Question:
Should I wear my Black Plague Virus Mask while I'm running frantically from the tornado?    

Despite all the chaos around us, I hope everyone will have a safe and pleasant Easter. 
And I'll repeat what I've already said many times:
Don't get caught up in the insane hysterical media hype. Use your reserve of inner peace and enjoy your sequestered lives. 

Someday soon I'm going to crawl out of the closet and finally say what I really think about this virus hoopla. 

Until then, I'll inflict you with some recent, uninteresting photos. 

 The blossoms were largely unspectacular this year, and short-lived due to the frosts.

 I'm going to miss the view of the neighboring mountain, which can be seen from my front porch. In a week or two it will be completely obscured by leaves from the trees.

(The cats will miss it, too)

Bosco (left) and Scratch

 The "yard" is turning green

View from bedroom window 

STRANGE DAYS

I'm much more concerned about this insane mass hysteria than about the virus itself......but I've always been a lone voice crying out in the wilderness.


These are strange days. Very strange.

I decided to go to town last Saturday. Saturday is always the worst possible day to go shopping - even under the best conditions - but I knew that Monday was going to be busy with a visitation from the computer technician (see my previous post).

So I got up extremely early on Saturday and embarked entirely against my will. 

When it comes to shopping, this minuscule Tennessee town has few choices: Walmart, a supermarket, and a Dollar Store. There's also a Walgreen's but they're expensive and basically have nothing. 

My first stop is always Walmart.  
Cat food. They carry the favorite food of my feisty, finicky felines.

I always park near the garden shop because access is easy through the side door. Walking long distances is absolute agony with my bad back.

Imagine my dismay when I staggered to the garden shop entrance and found the gate locked. 

This means that I'd have to walk six miles (very slight exaggeration) to the front entrance. 

I'd never make it. Considering my ravaged back and the fact that I didn't get any sleep, I'd undoubtedly perish long before I got there.

I grabbed a random shopping cart and used it solely for physical support as I laboriously inched my way toward the main entrance.

By the time the front door was in sight I was out of breath, sweating profusely, in intense pain, and ready to pass out.  

My heart was beating 100 times a minute - like a bunny in heat.

Imagine my unmitigated SHOCK when I discovered the front entrance was blocked off with ropes and long strands of yellow crime scene tape (I'm not kidding). I had to walk another mile  (tiny exaggeration) to go around and get through it.
I don't know what "unmitigated" means, but it sounds good for dramatic effect.  

Along this new, improvised crime scene entrance were several grim-faced Walmart employees - holding clipboards and scrutinizing those of us who were daring to enter the store.

My first thought was that they were checking to see if we looked sick - kind of like the elimination process at Auschwitz:

You, to the right! Work duty!
You, to the left! Gas Chamber! 

I later surmised that they were probably counting  customers - keeping the influx to a minimal.

Once inside, I saw a huge sign that warned customers to KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

Hell, I should have been warned to do that when I was nineteen and got a nasty case of the clap........
........but that's another story for another time.  

The process of shopping in Walmart is always excruciating - - but this time it was like a surrealistic Twilight Zone episode.

Frantic people wearing makeshift surgical masks, trying to avoid one another while filling their shopping carts with anything they can find.

I feel naked without a mask. Masked women are suspiciously glaring at me as if I were the Angel of Death.  


When I get to the toilet paper aisle there are only a few packages left. I grab one quickly and also greedily grab two rolls of paper towels.....while breathing a sigh of relief at my fortuitous acquisitions.

The Easter candy aisle is deserted - - I suppose no one is in an Easter mood. I wanted a chocolate rabbit, but I'm not about to pay a high price for a 2 ounce rabbit packed in a fancy 64 ounce box.
Instead, I settled for jelly beans....and those ubiquitous marshmallow peeps.

I also get a pound of prima della hard salami at the deli and a loaf of Italian bread. To me, this is absolute heaven. I might as well die happy....

The entire concept of the  STAY SIX FEET AWAY sign was thwarted in the long checkout line - - where scuzzy-looking customers were sandwiched together two feet apart.
I tried to hold my breath.....and hoped for the best.

I was stunned when I finally got to the cashier and she started taking inventory of my items.
"We're rationing items, starting today", she told me.

I could only have one roll of paper towels, one loaf of bread.....
There was a long list of items, most of which I can't even remember.

The annoying part is that I only shop once or twice a month. I'm not hoarding things. I buy them out of sheer necessity.

This blog post is definitely too long and probably uninteresting.
Wait - - how could I ever possibly be uninteresting??

At this point, my only hope is that these unnervingly strange days will end. Soon.

IN THE VERY MIDST OF NOTHING

I live in rural Tennessee all alone.
Can't get a cell phone signal here.
No longer have television.
One of the very few radio stations I can get is a college station from Kentucky.
I live a few miles from Kentucky. 
Hello, Daniel Boone.

My every day life is one of isolation.  It's no sacrifice. It's my choice. I've gone the Big City Route many times in my past. It was fun when I was a reckless kid. Lately - in my petrified and introspective years - I prefer being Hermitized.
I think I made that word up.

I admittedly rely solely on the computer as my Gateway to the World. It's where I get news and weather, watch movies, listen to music, keep in touch with humanity, and a thousand other things.
Without it, I'm lost.

Cut to the chase, Jon. You're putting people to sleep with this unnecessary crap.

My crap is never unnecessary, Kemosabee.
The "chase" started last Thursday, when I suddenly and inexplicably couldn't get an Internet connection on my computer. It's happened several previous times, but always resolved itself within a couple hours.
This time there was no resolution.

I consulted with Windows Troubleshooter.

Problem:
Can't access the Internet.

The mysterious diagnostic process lasted twenty minutes. At least.

Result:
Your computer has no access point to the Internet.

With that helpful information under my belt, I delved further (farther??) into Troubleshooter and received more useless information. 
Eventually, they provided me with several bogus suggestions, such as

Consult a reliable friend for help
(I swear to God, this was one of the suggestions!).

Hell, I haven't  had a reliable friend since Howdy Doody was on television....but that's beside the point.

Consult your Internet provider technician.

On Friday night I consulted my Internet provider technician.
The phone call lasted well over an hour, while he and I exhausted every possibility to resolve the issue with no positive result.

He was extremely polite and did his very best to be helpful, but we got nowhere. 
Kinda like a first date.

The technician finally decided that a computer expert should be sent to my house on Monday.
Next came a barrage of personal health questions.

This initially startled me, until I remembered the grim threat of the Black Plague Coronavirus.

Was I feeling ill?
Have I been in contact with anyone who was ill?
Have I been exposed to any known virus or any possible carrier of a virus?

When I finally convinced him that me and my two cats were pure as the wind-driven snow and no threat to the world at large, I was told that I'd get a call on Monday.

I spent a long, miserable weekend severed from the Internet.......but I did manage to drive to town VERY early on Saturday to get some supplies (that's another story to soon be told).

Early Monday morning I got a call from another technician who spent another hour trying to resolve my computer issue...with no results.

Finally, an expert was dispatched to my house. He arrived just before noon - - a huge, heavy, burly guy arrayed in a surgical mask and blue plastic gloves. 

To make an extremely long story short (which, at this point, is a complete impossibility)....

.....he worked for over two hours - installing new wiring, changing the mysterious "fiber optic box", installing a new router......and other things I could never figure out or comprehend.

The result:
by late afternoon I was connected to the Internet again and finally in contact with the world.

It's a good feeling.


   

soon

Experiencing computer trouble. Be back (very) soon.

                                                                            JON