STRANGE DAYS

I'm much more concerned about this insane mass hysteria than about the virus itself......but I've always been a lone voice crying out in the wilderness.


These are strange days. Very strange.

I decided to go to town last Saturday. Saturday is always the worst possible day to go shopping - even under the best conditions - but I knew that Monday was going to be busy with a visitation from the computer technician (see my previous post).

So I got up extremely early on Saturday and embarked entirely against my will. 

When it comes to shopping, this minuscule Tennessee town has few choices: Walmart, a supermarket, and a Dollar Store. There's also a Walgreen's but they're expensive and basically have nothing. 

My first stop is always Walmart.  
Cat food. They carry the favorite food of my feisty, finicky felines.

I always park near the garden shop because access is easy through the side door. Walking long distances is absolute agony with my bad back.

Imagine my dismay when I staggered to the garden shop entrance and found the gate locked. 

This means that I'd have to walk six miles (very slight exaggeration) to the front entrance. 

I'd never make it. Considering my ravaged back and the fact that I didn't get any sleep, I'd undoubtedly perish long before I got there.

I grabbed a random shopping cart and used it solely for physical support as I laboriously inched my way toward the main entrance.

By the time the front door was in sight I was out of breath, sweating profusely, in intense pain, and ready to pass out.  

My heart was beating 100 times a minute - like a bunny in heat.

Imagine my unmitigated SHOCK when I discovered the front entrance was blocked off with ropes and long strands of yellow crime scene tape (I'm not kidding). I had to walk another mile  (tiny exaggeration) to go around and get through it.
I don't know what "unmitigated" means, but it sounds good for dramatic effect.  

Along this new, improvised crime scene entrance were several grim-faced Walmart employees - holding clipboards and scrutinizing those of us who were daring to enter the store.

My first thought was that they were checking to see if we looked sick - kind of like the elimination process at Auschwitz:

You, to the right! Work duty!
You, to the left! Gas Chamber! 

I later surmised that they were probably counting  customers - keeping the influx to a minimal.

Once inside, I saw a huge sign that warned customers to KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

Hell, I should have been warned to do that when I was nineteen and got a nasty case of the clap........
........but that's another story for another time.  

The process of shopping in Walmart is always excruciating - - but this time it was like a surrealistic Twilight Zone episode.

Frantic people wearing makeshift surgical masks, trying to avoid one another while filling their shopping carts with anything they can find.

I feel naked without a mask. Masked women are suspiciously glaring at me as if I were the Angel of Death.  


When I get to the toilet paper aisle there are only a few packages left. I grab one quickly and also greedily grab two rolls of paper towels.....while breathing a sigh of relief at my fortuitous acquisitions.

The Easter candy aisle is deserted - - I suppose no one is in an Easter mood. I wanted a chocolate rabbit, but I'm not about to pay a high price for a 2 ounce rabbit packed in a fancy 64 ounce box.
Instead, I settled for jelly beans....and those ubiquitous marshmallow peeps.

I also get a pound of prima della hard salami at the deli and a loaf of Italian bread. To me, this is absolute heaven. I might as well die happy....

The entire concept of the  STAY SIX FEET AWAY sign was thwarted in the long checkout line - - where scuzzy-looking customers were sandwiched together two feet apart.
I tried to hold my breath.....and hoped for the best.

I was stunned when I finally got to the cashier and she started taking inventory of my items.
"We're rationing items, starting today", she told me.

I could only have one roll of paper towels, one loaf of bread.....
There was a long list of items, most of which I can't even remember.

The annoying part is that I only shop once or twice a month. I'm not hoarding things. I buy them out of sheer necessity.

This blog post is definitely too long and probably uninteresting.
Wait - - how could I ever possibly be uninteresting??

At this point, my only hope is that these unnervingly strange days will end. Soon.

D-DAY

Those people who read my blog regularly (all three of you) know how much I despise making the long drive into town. Navigating the narrow, winding mountain road unnerves me beyond the realms of redemption.

I'd rather be hung upside-down, stark naked, by my toes...in the public square.

I'd rather have my balls cut off by a myopic veterinarian.
 
Anyway, if the thought of driving to town sends me into spams of despair, the prospect of driving to town during a pandemic virus ordeal nearly renders me comatose.

I procrastinated all week.
Finally, on Friday (that's today), I decided it was D-Day.

So far there have been no Covid-19 Virus outbreaks in the Tennessee county where I live - but, of course - that could change in an instant.
No matter what, I'm infinitely glad that I live in a rural area rather than a big city. 

Our town has a population of under 2,000. A lot of people were out and about today but many places were closed or restricted. The bank and the fast-food restaurants (thankfully) kept their drive-through windows open.

The tiny convenience store where I get gas was closed, but they were still selling gas. I had to go around to the back door to pay for it.
The young woman who took my money was smoking a cigar - - I kid you not!

Walmart:
the dreaded but necessary highlight of my shopping excursion.

I always park near the garden shop and go in through the side door. The first thing I encountered were two women wearing surgical masks. 

Holy crap! Should I have worn a mask? Are they de rigueur?
The masks look too somber and sinister.
Besides - I'd hate to obscure my pretty face. 

About half the people in Walmart had masks, including a few employees. Ironically, most were women. The men were generally maskless.

I was delighted to see that most of the shelves were adequately stocked.....

.....until I got to the toilet paper.

Completely empty!! Not one shred of paper left! No Kleenex, either, and VERY few paper towels.
In a panic flash of greed and desperation, I grabbed some rolls of paper towels.

And I'm thinking:
Holy shit (no pun intended) -
what is this INSANE OBSESSION with toilet paper?????

Here's a flash:
Wiping your ass isn't going to alleviate the China Virus.    

And bread - - -
the entire bread aisle was completely empty.
Thankfully I was able to get six crescent rolls in the "markdown" bin - - and a dozen chocolate donuts!

My next stop was the local supermarket, where the situation was exactly the same:
absolutely no bread, no toilet paper...
.....and no Ramen noodle soup.
I always get Ramen soup and crackers for a snack.

A notice was posted in the empty toilet paper aisle:
NOTICE TO OUR CUSTOMERS
but the print was too damn small to read. I couldn't discern one word.


Well, my excursion to town yielded a few necessary supplies - despite the fact that I'm without toilet paper and bread.
I did manage to procure a package of hamburger rolls. But I forgot to buy trash bags, which I desperately need.
I might try to go to town again before Easter.....who knows...?

So, what's my take on this Chinese Wuhan Corona Covid-19 Virus?

I'm damn glad that I'm a hermit living in the wilderness. That doesn't fully exempt me from the plague...but at least I'm used to blissful ISOLATION.

Are there any positive aspects to this insane virus pandemonium?

Yea - Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders seem to have disappeared.

Aw, lighten up! You've secretly been thinking the same thing - - but I had the guts to say it out loud.

Smile.
Stay safe. 
Don't get caught up in the rampant epidemic of mass media hysteria.     

THIS COULD BE FRIDAY

It could be Friday. I dunno. Heck, I have trouble keeping track of the days.

I had planned to drive to town on Wednesday. Got up early without much sleep. Felt more dead than alive. The more I visualized piloting those winding mountain roads, shopping at Walmart, and facing the prospect of getting stuck in the mud again on my way home, the more despondent I became.

Like the coward I am, I got undressed and crawled back into bed. 

The trauma of driving to town unnerves me so much that I find myself using any excuse to avoid it.

I'd rather be hung upside down by my toes, naked, in the public square.
Don't try to visualize this. You'll traumatize yourself.


So, I finally drove to town yesterday - which was probably Thursday. It was a lovely day (for a rare change) with no rain (for an extremely rare change) and........the very best part of all.....I didn't get stuck in the mud! 

Good thing I went yesterday, because today (which could be Friday) is suddenly freezing cold with strong winds.
The temperatures are annoyingly inconsistent: 60 degrees one day and 30 the next.

I always strategically plan my drives to town on days when it's not raining - which is nearly an impossibility - since it rains in Tennessee about 340 days a year.
Very slight exaggeration.    

I think I was the only person in Walmart who wasn't talking on a cell phone. It looked like a bookie convention.
Cell phone talkers in public places annoy the living jeeters out of me.

While I was standing in the (hopelessly long) line at the check-out counter, the woman behind me had a cell phone that started making alarmingly loud buzzing noises.  She was so close to me that the buzzer made me jump three feet.
I thought she zapped me in the ass.

For the second time in a month, I forgot to buy lithium batteries for my El Cheapo camera.
And I also forgot to buy light bulbs.

Buying light bulbs nowadays is a traumatic experience. Gone are my favorite old-fashioned "regular" bulbs. Now I have to contend with mysterious LED bulbs (which I never figured out).
And those bizarre spiral bulbs - which look exactly like a Carvel ice cream cone. They cast an eerie yellow-greenish glow. But they're supposed to last like 300 years (slight exaggeration).


 

This blog post wouldn't be complete without some uninteresting photos.
     

After weeks of gloomy weather, my cats were more than eager to bask in the sunlight yesterday (as seen from a dirty, rain-drenched window).

I took the following photos in my "back yard" today. It's amazing how completely colorless everything looks.

 Looking north toward the neighboring cow meadow

Some of the massive evergreens

Cold, bleak afternoon

NEVER ON SUNDAY

This post has nothing to do with the 1960 movie.

Do I hear sighs of relief or disappointment?

My blog readership has plummeted  to the bottom of the toilet. I figure it's because people are sick of my bitching and complaints.... or they're tired of my beautiful piano music.

It's neither, Jon. We're disgusted with seeing photos of the forest and your damn cats.

Relax, Kemosahbee. No photos today. Just an excruciatingly tedious account of my Sunday adventure.

There's always a method to my madness, which explains the Never On Sunday theme.

I never go out on Sunday. But today I decided to break that cardinal rule.

I desperately needed to go to town (again) - because when I went last Thursday I got a bad migraine headache and couldn't go shopping. And, to make matters worse, the wind was about 350 mph (very slight exaggeration).

SO....
rain was predicted for Sunday afternoon and for the next few days. I figured if I got up REALLY early Sunday morning I could go to town and do my shopping quickly (before the rain began). 

I got up at 7:00 a.m. (which is insanely early for me) after having LESS than two hours of sleep (which is usual for me).

I didn't feel well at all but managed to stagger out to the car. As I was staggering, I noticed sporadic raindrops starting to fall. 

As I'm navigating the narrow, winding, scary-as-hell mountain road to town the heavens burst and a Biblical deluge ensued.

When I arrived in town it was still pouring. I managed to get gas (that's petrol for those of you in Yorkshire) and go to Walmart (where I always buy cat food).

Things were going reasonably well until I went to the supermarket to do the grocery shopping.
Somewhere between the ground beef and the frozen tater tots I got (yet another) migraine headache.

This was a Mega Migraine. The mother of all migraines. I was nearly incapacitated.

I got flushed, my entire body felt tingly, I was dizzy and nauseous, my head was pounding. Worst of all I saw psychedelic flashing lights, multi-colored zigzag lines, and lost half the sight in both my eyes.

That's what my "normal" migraines are always like. They scare the shit out of me when I'm safely at home.
You can imagine what it's like when you're in the middle of a supermarket.

I managed to get to the checkout counter and pay for my stuff.

Outside the rain was still pouring and I could hardly find my car in the parking lot. After I shoved all my groceries (and there were a LOT) into the trunk, I felt like I was going to pass out.

I sat in the car for about half an hour. I considered driving to my cousin's house but didn't want to burden her with any more of my problems.
(she endured enough of my problems last summer, when I was broke and suicidal).

So I eventually drove home. The rain was torrential. The narrow road was slippery. The entire ordeal was like an episode of The Twilight Zone. In slow motion.

Happy ending?
Heck, I guess so.
Got home safely. Had a nap. Ate dinner. Gave the cats their new food.

It's supposed to rain for the next few days.

THOUGHTS ON A FROZEN SUNDAY

We didn't get any snow, only timid flurries - but it's cold enough this morning to give a penguin frostbite.

All of the wash that I hung out to dry two days ago is now frozen solid. I just tried to bring it in, but the clothes pins are frozen to the clothes (my clothes dryer is still kaput, and there's no way in hell I can get a new one).

Due to the astronomical cost of heating, I use the furnace frugally. Just had it on for an hour. Turned it off, and already I can see my breath coming out in white puffs. No lie.

I'm trying to look at the bright side, but it's supposed to get much colder later today....and tonight....

Is tomorrow another holiday? I can't keep up with them. Here in the good ol' USA almost every Monday is a holiday of some kind or another.
Is it Martin Luther King Day?
Or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Day?
Or Antifa Day?
Or Androgynous Day?
Or Al-Qaeda Day? 

Hell if I know. 
I have the uncanny ability to be delightfully sarcastic even when I'm freezing.

This would probably be as good a time as any to expound on my previous blog post - and (indirectly) reply to some of your comments.

About grocery lists and forgetting things:

It would undoubtedly be a great idea for me to bring a list when I go grocery shopping - but I usually wind up losing it....or never bother to take it out of my pocket and look at it.

The long, perilous drive to town always shreds my nerves to the point where I'm usually a quivering heap of jelly by the time I get there.
And I always have to do so many things that my thoughts become jumbled and disjointed.

My usual routine consists of taking the trash to the trash place. I always do this first, because it's piled up in the back seat of my car (I no longer have a pickup truck like I did in Texas).

The trash place isn't a landfill. It's simply a fenced area where you have to wait in line until two hillbilly men come out and retrieve your trash.


Then I go to the filling station and put gas in the car. 
Next I go to the bank (drive-thru), which sometimes takes nearly forever.
Then I go to various places around town to pay my bills: utility, water, etc. etc.
Then I go to Walmart and any other place where I might need something (like hardware store).
Last but not least, I go to the supermarket for the bulk of my groceries.

By this time my mind is so fragmented and frazzled that I can hardly remember my gender - let alone what I'm going to buy.

In the supermarket, I mentally try to plan all the meals that I'll have for the next three or four weeks (not an easy task)
Then I attempt to calculate the cost of all the things in my shopping cart and pray that I have enough money.

It's surprisingly easy for me to forget things that I wanted to buy.

Finally, I have the excitement of the long drive home, the anticipation of trying to get up the hill to my house without getting stuck in the mud,
AND
dragging all the groceries up another muddy hill to get to the back door (where the kitchen is).

By this time I'm nearly catatonic, suicidal, and ready for Intensive Care.

Change of subject

About getting a new cell phone:

I've had a Tracfone for about six years and I'll probably get another one.
It suits my minimal needs perfectly - since I generally hate cell phones and only use them to text.
Tracfone is great, except for two negatives:

1. With Tracfone it's virtually impossible to transfer your videos to a computer. I have loads of videos on my Tracfone that I can't share or use.
Perhaps this is only a problem with older phones - I'm hoping the new ones are better.

2. Tracfone customer service is nearly non-existent. If you try to get on-line help, you'll be connected with a fourteen-year-old in Zimbabwe.
And they have NO email address. Only a snail mail business address somewhere in Florida.

Also, if you don't add more airtime before it expires there's a good chance you'll lose your phone service permanently.
I was able to reactivate my phone one time a few years ago after my airtime expired.

But THIS time it was a complete impossibility - and I lost $40 buying airtime cards that didn't work
(it's a VERY LONG story that I'm not in the mood to go into). 

Anyway, despite all the crap, I'm almost certain I'll get another Tracfone. 

This post is long and boring, but typing it helped keep my fingers warm.

It's presently 18 degrees (Fahrenheit) and will drop much lower late tonight.
I'll be up all night making sure the water pipes don't freeze.

PHONE CARD IN THE FREEZER AND OTHER STUFF

Get a place in the wilderness, Jon. It'll be fun! You'll have a simple and carefree life.

If it wasn't so physically hard to do, I'd be kicking my own ass for suggesting that to myself.  
After three long years existing in the wilderness my life is filled with more problems and complications than a '58 Edsel Corsair, and my nerves are more shredded than the lettuce on a Taco Bell veggie salad.

I couldn't sleep all night from the scratching and scraping of the wild animals trying to nest in my roof and walls. Don't be fooled by all those cutsie wildlife documentaries on PBS and the Disney Bambi crap that we were spoon-fed as kids.
If I had a submachine gun I would have used it gleefully and without regrets.

Did you ever try to sleep on a bad mattress with a bad back and two big cats? Bosco must weigh 50 lbs. and he was dead weight on my legs like a sack of scrap metal.

When I crawled out of bed at the grim and cold crack of dawn, it took me ten minutes to get on my feet and I looked like an accordion on stilts.

Yup, I chose today (Tuesday) to drive into town - despite a warning from my cousin that there was "road work" being done.

Actually, I was fortunate to even find the road - since the weeds and "brush" on my property are now 20 feet high thanks to recent rain.
I won't mention the mud.

Driving to town wouldn't have been too bad, if a pickup truck didn't appear in front of me (seemingly out of nowhere). It was going less than 15 m.p.h.
Picture that on a narrow, winding, no passing mountain road.

Thanks to that SloMo snail, it took three times longer to get to town than usual.
I was biting my fingernails to a bloody pulp.

But luck was with me -
No road repair work was being done!

.....until I got to town.

I thought my cousin meant the mountain road was being repaired.
Instead, I discovered that she meant the roads in town were being repaired.

Every major road in the entire damn place was under "reconstruction", making it less than impossible to get anywhere.

I had to stop at the courthouse, which was located in the very midst of the road construction ( a harrowing maneuver, to say the least). My reason for going there is far too long and tedious to rely here - let's just say it had to do with the registration of some property.

 Here's the courthouse and that's exactly where I parked (I didn't take this photo - I got it from the Internet).

The lady in the clerk's office was so busy, rude, and confused that I finally left in abject frustration (to say the least) without getting anything resolved or done.

Onward to Walmart, where the holiday shoppers were out en mass.
Did I ever mention that I think all holidays should be permanently banned - and those who try to participate in them should be subjected to waterboarding torture?

I desperately needed a BIG bag of Purina Cat Chow Complete, which is the favored cuisine of my three cats. Naturally they were all out of it. So I had to settle for the small (very small) bag - and a big bag of Friskies.

I had to buy a phone card for my cell phone. The  swishy male clerk in the phone department was wearing two gigantic earrings, at least six finger rings - and he was extremely friendly.

Hey, I'm not trying to suggest anything. It's merely an innocent observation. And it's very strange for rural Tennessee. 
I haven't seen a dude look like that since I was in West Hollywood.

I bought two pumpkin pies that were on the "mark down" rack (one of my favorite Walmart haunts). More about the pies later.

The long drive home was beyond the realms of a hellish nightmare:
a huge truck hauling a load of cut lumber was going about 5 m.p.h. There were fourteen cars behind him. I was the fifteenth car.

It was like a funeral procession, only slower. I eventually started gnawing my toenails and saying profanities that would have made Satan blush.

Okay - 
what about the phone card in the freezer??

When I finally got home, I wrapped one of the pumpkin pies in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer.

Eventually I noticed that the phone card I bought was missing. I frantically searched everywhere and finally figured that I must have dropped it somewhere (like in the Walmart parking lot).

Imagine my surprise when I happened to check the pumpkin pie in the freezer. My phone card was in the bag with the pie - frozen solid!

I won't apologize for this post being long, because I condensed it. It would have been a lot longer if I told everything that happened.

Just a typical day in the life of Jon.

 

JON GOES TO TOWN

 St. Paddy's Day:

somber, gray, wet, damp, windy

On St. Patrick's Day I summoned the courage to drive into town. Actually, I was compelled to go because I wanted to personally get an erroneous bill straightened out (from my Internet provider/phone company).

They were extremely nice about the error, and now I'm straight.
So to speak.

After getting gas, going to the bank, and hauling my trash to the dump, I was ready to call it a day - but I had to go grocery shopping.

There are three shopping choices in this minuscule town: Walmart, the supermarket, and the Dollar Store. If you really want to  spice up your mundane existence and live dangerously you can always visit the Tractor Supply Company. 

Walmart is inevitably my first stop. That's the only place that has decent cat food and tolerable bread.

Bread?
Let me explain something: I've always enjoyed a wide variety of breads - rye, pumpernickel, sourdough, cheese bread, black bread, herbal bread, etc.

Rural Tennessee has white bread. That's it. Rye isn't in their vocabulary.  Either is hard Italian salami. Or wine. Or fine cheese or pastries. Or all the other things I crave and would actually kill for.

The local Walmart at least has some mediocre Italian bread and smoked ham - so that's what I always buy.

I'm also able to get Viennese coffee and Earl Grey tea - thank God. One of the very few pleasures I have left.

So, I'm in the coffee aisle at Walmart. The Viennese coffee that I always buy is on the very lowest shelf. In fact, it's actually level with the ground. I have to crawl to get it.

There's an extremely attractive young Amish woman looking at the coffee. Hey, Amish women turn me on. It has something to do with the way they dress.
Anyway, this chick is carefully reading every coffee label on the shelf - - and she's standing directly in front of the Viennese coffee that I desperately want.
She won't move. She just keeps reading.

I linger near her, trying not to look suspicious or perverted, trying to pretend I'm looking at other things. And I'm thinking:
How the hell am I going to get the damn Viennese coffee? I don't want to crawl around the hem of her dress.

She finally moves just enough for me to quickly dive and snatch the coffee - - -and believe me, diving and snatching is not an easy feat with my notoriously bad back.

Did I ever mention how much I hate store employees who are constantly in the way so you can't look at things?
Walmart wins First Prize for annoying employees....
...but....
it also happens here at the local supermarket.  

I'm trying to look at donuts and an extremely annoying but cutsie-looking male employee is blocking the entire area with a large cart while he carefully puts out loaves of bread. White bread.

I make a few strategic maneuvers around him to get to the donuts. While trying to grab one damn box of donuts, I inadvertently start an avalanche. At least half a dozen boxes tumble to the floor.

Holy shit!! (I think I said that out loud).
I quickly scramble to retrieve the errant donut boxes while hoping my ravaged spine won't snap in the process. I'm trying to look cool and nimble in the wake of profound embarrassment.

My life is like a Woody Allen movie. 

Did I mention the two employees blocking the frozen food aisle? They have a gigantic food cart in the middle of the aisle while they slowly and carefully stock the shelves. 

I stall around, hoping they'll eventually leave but they don't. Can't these Bozos stock shelves after hours??

I eventually have to force my way around them to get the damn frozen things that I desperately need.
I drove a hundred freaking miles (slight exaggeration) on perilous mountain roads to get to this raunchy supermarket and I'm not about to leave without my French fries and fish sticks.

As I was driving home on the narrow, winding, dangerous, slick - not to mention perilous - mountain roads, loose rocks started falling from the cliffs above. One of them bounced off my car but fortunately didn't do damage.

Five minutes after I got home it started pouring rain. I got drenched as I hauled the heavy stash of groceries up the muddy, slippery, annoyingly steep bank to my back door. 

As if on cue, my cat Scratch showed up out of nowhere and dropped a dead mouse directly in front of the back door.
I kid you not. A gift from a grateful feline.