After thoroughly searching every conceivable possibility, I've come to the horrifying conclusion that there is no escape.
We are erroneously told that we create our own destinies, contrive our own private versions of hell. I vehemently reject that supposition. Our earthly hell and damnation is preconceived by an evil force much higher and more powerful than our putrid selves.
We are cursed at birth and bear the unwanted burden until we breathe our last.
I have no intention of elaborating. Think what you want.
All I'll say is that I'm on the dangerous verge of a complete mental and physical collapse. The thread that I'm desperately grasping is more fragile than a cobweb in the wind.
I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm presently going through. Without tedious elaboration, I will merely say that the very worst things that could possibly happen have finally culminated and crushed me like an avalanche.
Writing this - revealing my true feelings - is a personal, beneficial purge. If I don't express myself, I risk descending into madness.
I don't want sympathy or advice. I wouldn't expect anyone to fully understand. I'll regret writing this - - but why shouldn't I reveal the truth?
Drastic change of subject
I ordered a new keyboard for my laptop. Thanks to expedient FedEx express, it was delivered today. USB connected keyboards never seem to last very long. I'm weary of technology.
Ironically, my FedEx order of much-needed supplies is partially delayed. A pox on the infuriating holiday season. It causes far more stress and trouble than it's worth.
Tidings of great joy, my ass.
With my rapidly increasing health "issues" and my rapidly deteriorating car, I don't know when I'll ever be able to drive to town.
I should have been struck dead when I chose to live in an insanely rural area - - but at the time, I had logical reasons (without regarding the future).
In a masochistic and yet strangely romantic way, I like being immersed in the bleak, unforgiving forest.
Strong storms and possible tornadoes are predicted for tomorrow night (Tuesday). Perhaps more trees will topple and I'll be mercifully put out of my present misery........
Recent photos of my back yard - - the surrealistically bleak forest.
A gentle caress of pink fog in the morning
A raw and angry dawn
I want to thank the kind people who left comments on my Thanksgiving post. I couldn't reply due to computer keyboard woes. I read all of your blog posts.
A note to Paranormal John:
Yes, I've always liked the bizarre music of Erik Satie (even though I was never exactly in love with him).
I used one of his compositions on my video tribute to Theda Bara, Here's the link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjEhCz34ok4
If the link doesn't work, you can find it on my YouTube channel Jayveesonata.
Cheers, Jon
I had no idea you had a YouTube channel, Jon. Thanks so much for relating this to me.
ReplyDeleteI found the Satie. One of my favorites is Gymnopédie No. 1. That one takes me to better places when I was young. I recently found a CD I had of Glenn Gould playing Schoenberg. I know I'm not very sophisticated, but that was unlistenable (to me). Why I ever bought that CD I have no idea?? I truly enjoyed your channel. Thanks again.
I'm glad you resolved the keyboard issue. I can well imagine being in the wilds of Tennessee is quite a challenge on many levels. Isolation is not for everyone. Have you ever read May Sarton's "Journal of a Solitude"? Her poem of "Gestalt at 60" really resonates with me, especially at hitting 60 and issues of isolation and loneliness are around for many of us.
Thank you for your writing(s). I think your blog means more to people than you realize.
Paranormal John
I swear I'm going to just show up and take you away from there. I would say that I'm back but I never actually left. I am afraid for you, Jon. I do not know what else to say.
ReplyDeleteIt’s difficult to know what to say, Jon. Your situation does sound dreadful, but I sincerely hope you will stay with us. Glad the keyboard arrived, but the delay in getting needed supplies the news was not good. Thanks for your email reply.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say to you Jon is that I REALLY hope that you stay with us! I would miss you terribly - honest I would as I am sure your other devoted followers would as well.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are definitely not what they used to be the older we get - a lot of things in our lives change drastically.
I am glad that your keyboard arrived at least!