NIGHT AFTER NIGHT

I nearly deleted my previous post (A Dream) because I disliked it. My sole purpose was to show the stark contrast between my fulfilling previous life and the foul purgatory that I'm presently trapped in.

How exactly did this present situation happen? Without going into tedious details, I'll merely say that it's surprisingly easy to fall from grace and lose everything that you once had.

My dreams lately are strange and disturbing. I seem to consistently talk to dead people. I tell my mother all my problems. She listens carefully and patiently but never responds. The deceased are always there but remain reticent. Perhaps waiting for my impending arrival........

Am I being morbid?
Sorry, but I'm not in a jovial mood - - far from it.

Recurring dreams have plagued me most of my life. Some people can't remember their dreams. Mine are often ominously vivid.

For many, many years - from my late teens into my early 30's I had very frequent nightmares concerning my father. He was the most violent person I ever knew and I was more terrified of his rage than anything else on earth.

These nightmares persisted every time I fell asleep - - to the point where I was extremely reluctant to ever sleep. And they were always the same:
The usual (and frequent) violent  confrontations, when he'd physically and savagely attack me. I'd inevitably wake up screaming - - every single time.

It was impossible to eliminate these nightmares no matter how hard I tried. Eventually they subsided.....with age and passing time.

My next bout of persistent dreams occurred in my mid-30s when I left California and lived in various places that I hated.

These dreams weren't exactly alike but they had the same unnerving, persistent theme. I was always wandering, always at night, in strange, unfamiliar places - - city streets, shopping malls, dark neighborhoods, isolated country roads. I wandered and searched - - frantically trying to find something but never did.

I'm sure these dreams signified my intense unhappiness and a quest for perfection, peace, and solace that was unattainable.

Strange. Very strange.

After my parents died, I kept having a similar dream. It was late at night and I was in a dark, isolated park. In the distance there was a bench and my parents were sitting on it. 
I called and called, but they didn't hear me. I tried to walk over to them, but I walked and walked and could never get there.

Why am I revealing all of this? I have no clue. These are thoughts that cropped up from nowhere and I wrote them down.

I'm in a very dire, retrospective mood.
Hopefully it will pass.
Eventually.
Perhaps........

                                   Jon