Fortunately, I'm a tough honcho.
Is it still legal to say "honcho"? I can't keep up with the current illegalities enforced by the politically correct.
Honcho was a gay magazine that I used to write articles for - - but that was like 300 years ago. I doubt if it's still in existence.
And it has absolutely nothing to do with this blog post. I just threw it in to inform you. And, of course, to impress you.
Anyway, every day here in the wilderness is fraught with complications and inconveniences.
A simple thing like mailing a letter has become a nightmare.
Horrifying as it might seem, I still occasionally send Snail Mail letters. I was never enthusiastic about email. And I've never completely mastered the art of texting - - it usually takes me three or four hours to text two sentences.
It is beyond the realms of comprehension how people can text and drive.
Speed it up, Jon - your readers (all two of them) are getting restless.
So last week I had two extremely important letters to mail. And to mail letters, I have only two options:
1. Drive 2,000 miles to town (very slight exaggeration) and go to the post office.
2. Risk leaving the letters in my mailbox and pray to the Winged Messenger God Mercury that the mail-carrier will somehow someday notice the letters in my box and take them to town.
I prefer to say "mailman" instead of "mail carrier", but it's no longer legal or politically correct - - and I certainly wouldn't want to ruffle any feathers (he says tongue-in-cheek).
So - -
out of the two evils, I (reluctantly) opted to leave the letters in my mailbox and hope for the best (which I instinctively knew would be the worst).
That was last Friday.
For some strange reason unbeknownst to me, the mail carrier never comes around here on Saturday. So, I eagerly anticipated Monday.
On Sunday, I suddenly realized that Monday was a holiday - - so the mail carrier wouldn't take my letters until Tuesday. If I was lucky.
What holiday was it?
Those of you in Guam might be wondering.
Monday was Columbus Day.
Of course, Columbus Day is now nearly extinct, because the politically correct spoilsports want to ban it - - insisting that Columbus was an evil, syphilitic, masochistic Italian slob who stole America from the Indians. Or Native Americans.
Look at the bright side, you miserable historical revisionists:
if it wasn't for Columbus, we'd never have pizza.
But I digress.
Anyway, Monday was Columbus Day and there was no mail delivery. So my letters remained in my mailbox (since Friday).
Let me interject here, in a wicked ploy to make this post even longer:
My mailbox isn't anywhere near my house. In order to access it I have to climb down a steep mountainside and go out onto the narrow road that winds past my enormous property.
I said "enormous" to impress you.
Walking to the mailbox is a terrifying ordeal that usually takes half an hour. By the time I climb back up the mountainside to get to my house, I'm so faint, winded, and dizzy that I need paramedic assistance and oxygen. It takes hours to recover.
The road where my mailbox is situated
I'll never understand why mailboxes have to be 45 miles away from the house when you live in the wilderness - but that's beside the point.
On Tuesday afternoon I took the long and dangerous hike to the mailbox to see if the mail carrier had picked up my letters.
To my astonishment, the narrow country road was blocked off and THREE humongous work trucks were by my mailbox. I could see from a distance that the red flag on the box was still up - which meant the mail carrier didn't take my letters.
As I huffed and puffed my way back to the house - while putting a Hungarian curse on the road workers and the mail carrier - I wondered what the hell the workers were doing way out here.
The road that winds past my property is about four feet wide, seldom traveled, and leads to nowhere.
Are they finally going to fix the potholes and cracks (which have been there since Daniel Boone was a boy)?
Or are they planning to level the forest and build a Walmart?
Hell if I know.
Intuition tells me they're repairing the road.
To make a long story short (I just said that to irritate you) - - my two extremely important letters weren't picked up by the mail carrier until today (Thursday).
Nearly a week since I left them in my box.
If this long post frustrated you - you're not half as frustrated as I am when trying to mail letters.
I'm considering getting some homing pigeons.
So what happened to your damn online store, Jon?
It's just about complete, boys and girls. I will probably open it tomorrow - Friday the 13th.
