INNOCUOUS QUESTIONS, INGENIOUS ANSWERS

 I haven't done a Sunday Stealing questionnaire in a long time. It's not Sunday, but I couldn't care less.

1. What type of day are you having?

The type of day that causes migraines, ice cold extremities, major regrets, acute malaise, and thoughts of murder and suicide. Other than that, it's not too bad.

It's presently 28 degrees (Fahrenheit), my errant furnace isn't working, but I'm keeping warm with space heaters, hot tea, and dreams of the tropics.

2. Was there anyone who "made your day"?

Truth to tell, no one has made my day in twenty years, at least. I will admit, however, that the FedEx delivery guy made my day yesterday. My order of supplies was delivered right on time - - and to the correct address (for a refreshing change).

3. Are you liking how you look today?

Are you kidding? I look like a left-over Halloween party favor that was run over by a Mack truck. The horrifying reality of the mirror assures me that my salad days are officially over.

4. Have you ever eaten a bug?

Not intentionally. Here in the Tennessee wilderness I've been plagued with insolent gnats all summer and most of autumn. I'm sure some of them have gotten into meals without my knowledge.

5. Are you a vegetarian?

Vegetarians annoy me immensely. They take every opportunity to pompously proclaim that they are vegan.

I'm carnivorous.....and a cannibal.

Watch out!

6. When was your last paycheck?

When Babe Ruth was king and Al Capone ruled Chicago.

7. How many pets do you have?

I won't mention the raccoons nesting in my roof, the 'possums under my house, and the mice that reside inside.

I used to have three cats, but Kitzee and Scruffy are now deceased. My only remaining cat is Bosco. He's pretty adept at catching mice.    

8. What kind of toothpaste do you use?

I used to use the kind that whitens and brightens. Nowadays I don't give a damn. I'll use anything that keeps my teeth from falling out.   

9. Are you closer to being rich or poor?  

I'm below the pauper level. My finances are so low that abject poverty seems like a luxury to me.
Life is a ruthless bitch. It takes but never gives.

10. What was the last gift someone gave you?

Calendars, books, and a nice assortment of exotic tea.

11. Do you appreciate that person?

Dumb question.

Linda lives in California and we've known each other since we were kids (several hundred years, I guess). She knows all of my secrets....

12. Did you talk to anyone you didn't like today?

I live in the wilderness, blissfully alone with my cat. I talked to my cat. And I talked to myself - - I'm one of the few people that I really like.

13. Do you like picnics?

About as much as root canals. I don't derive pleasure from sitting in the unpleasant elements, sharing my food with flies and ants.

14. What book are you currently reading?

How to Answer Annoying Questions With Dignity and Grace.

15. What song did you last listen to?

Wotan's Farewell from Die Walkure by Richard Wagner.

16. How many tabs are open on your computer?

Enough to annihilate Communist China.

17. Are you a very stressed out person?

"Stressed" would be a seriously gross understatement. I had psychotic trepidations when I was five, unrelenting anxiety attacks when I was twelve. My present state of acute anxiety and phenomenal stress is so high that Freud couldn't scrape me off the ceiling.

During calm moments, my stress level surpasses High Voltage.

FIFTEEN MEDIOCRE QUESTIONS WITH FIFTEEN MARVELOUS ANSWERS

Since I feel lethargic and completely unproductive tonight, I've decided to waste my time answering these  questions from Sunday Stealing
(if the link doesn't work, I really don't care)


1. Name three things you love about yourself.
Since I'm not a narcissist, I've never loved things about myself. In fact, I've spent much of the duration of my existence hating things about myself...... until I suddenly realized (too late, perhaps) that I have a helluva lot of good qualities. I appreciate my artistic talents (music, writing, etc.) and my wit.
 
2. What’s the bravest thing you ever did?
You mean like rescuing an infant from a burning house....or running outside stark naked on a drunken dare?

(incidentally, I've never rescued an infant - - but I DID go out naked on a drunken dare. And I was really drunk)
I think the "bravest" thing I ever did was manage to get through this tainted web called "life"..... thus far.
 

3. Talk about the craziest night of your life.
Are you kidding? Only ONE night??
I could easily fill a book with crazy nights in my life. But there are many that I'd prefer not to remember....

I do recall that night (long ago) in Hollywood, behind the Circus of Books bookstore. I was in a black Cadillac with someone who was quite well-known...and we were in a very compromising "position".
The cops came. In a drunken panic, I hopped out of the car, scaled a nearby fence and RAN like hell. I never got caught.

I also remember the night I was in the notorious Drake Theater in Hollywood when the place got raided.
The Drake is no longer in existence. Thank God. 

These are mild incidents. I'll save the rest for my memoirs.
 
4. Name three things you want in life
Well, it's too late for happiness or wealth.
And my health is lately going down the toilet.

But I'll say peace, reasonable health, and emotional satisfaction.
 

5. Who’s your biggest celebrity crush?
Hey, I haven't had a celebrity crush since Greta Garbo made Flesh and the Devil. But that's beside the point.

Let's move on to the world of music.
I have long been in love with the Russian opera singer Anna Netrebko. I'd marry her in a minute (..but she's already married...)
And the ballet dancer Diana Vishneva.

Want me to go AC/DC?

I used to have a huge crush on Vladimir Malakhov. Smitten by his intense charm. 

Why all of the Russians, Jon?
Is this some sort of a collusion?? 
 
6. What’s your most common mistake?
During a lifetime, or during one day?

My mistakes during a lifetime are multitudinous and profound.
I have mistakenly trusted people who stabbed me in the back (I have scars to prove it...).
But, my biggest mistake is having the habit of being far too nice. I'm not nearly as assertive as I should be.
 
7. Which three things would you save if there was a fire?
Me and my two cats.

The most treasured possessions that I ever owned were my diaries and journals...and the vast collection of piano music that belonged to my mother and grandmother. ALL were lost (or stolen) when I moved to Tennessee.
After that loss, I no longer give a shit.

If I sound bitter - - I am.



8. What’s your favourite sport?
Judging by the way you spelled "favorite", I should probably say cricket.

I used to be a HUGE baseball fan, until they ruined everything by adding new teams and extending the season almost 'till Christmas.
I don't give a royal crap about the Colorado Rockies....or the New Jersey Mosquitoes.  

9. Talk about something good that recently happened to you.
Are you kidding? I haven't had anything good happen to me since Pink Floyd gave a concert at the L.A.Coliseum.
I suppose the best thing that happened to me lately is that nothing extremely bad has happened. 
 
10. Which fictional world would you want to live in if you could?
I'm not into fictional fantasy stuff. I have enough trouble existing in the real world.
 
11. What’s one thing you can never say no to?
You mean besides sex?
Hmmmm. Let me think.
Pizza. Chocolate mint ice cream. Darjeeling tea.  Apricot jam. 
Good books. Old movies. Grand opera. Ballet. 


12. Talk about a childhood memory.
When I was a very small child - maybe three or perhaps four - I had a nervous habit of twisting my hair with my finger.
My father got so mad that he dragged me to a barber shop, slammed me down in the chair, and told the barber:
"Cut ALL of his hair off!"

The son of a bitch did.
Within five horrifying minutes I was bald as an egg. I looked like a miniature Nikita Khrushchev.
My parents made me get a crew cut until I was in third grade.

The horrible hairless era of my early life made me obsessed with hair. That's why I later defiantly  let my hair grow shaggy and unkempt. 
 
13. Name five things you find attractive in others.
I don't think I've ever found five things attractive in one person. I am always smitten by charm, wit, and personality.

14. Are you good at making final decisions or do you easily change your mind?
I always take my sweet time deciding things - especially if they're financial. I seldom change my mind.
 
15. Name three guilty pleasures of yours.
I seldom feel guilty about pleasures - - but some of the pleasures that come to mind couldn't be discussed on a public blog.

What are we talking about? 
Like having two ice cream cones....or an extra piece of cake? Or spiking my tea with Southern Comfort? 

There comes a point in life when pleasures are pitifully few.......and guilt ceases to exist....  

FORTY-FIVE

Forty-five questions that I extracted from the archives of Sunday Stealing


1. Where are you from?
I'm from the Land of Ur, comrade, and I've come to your country to help eradicate the leftists.

but seriously
I was born in New Jersey. My parents moved to Southern California when I was five and I had absolutely no regrets.

2. Is there something that you could never give up?
Yea, opium and LSD.
Don't panic. It was merely a jest.
I could never give up music or writing, or being a devout pessimist.

3. Who is your worst enemy?
Myself.

4. How much cash do you have on you?
Let's put it this way:
If somebody mugged me and saw how empty my wallet is, they'd die laughing.

5. Paul is the cute one
    John is the smart one
    George is the quiet one
    Ringo is the funny one.
    Which Beatle are you?
I'm cute, smart, quiet, and funny. It's an incredible combination.

6. What does your breakfast consist of?
I never eat breakfast and I very seldom eat lunch. Which probably explains why I'm a raving maniac by supper time.

7. What was your last big purchase?
I bought a 25 lb. sack of cat litter last week.
Actually, my last "big" purchase is the place that I'm living in, which I bought over four years ago.

8. Do you hate anyone?
"Hate" is a very strong word. I have intense loathing for many.

9. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was watching videos on YouTube, while drinking tea, eating a sandwich, and having sporadic anxiety attacks.

10. What was the last video you watched on YouTube?
I watched a documentary about the family (descendants) of the composer Richard Wagner. They were the most dysfunctional family I ever heard of. Next to mine.

11. What are your plans for this weekend?
Watching more videos, having more panic attacks, and keeping out of the rain.

12. Would you ever consider being a vegetarian?   
Yea. When all the cattle, hogs, and other edible animals are extinct.

13. What non-alcoholic beverage do you enjoy drinking the most?
I'm a tea addict. I love it hot or iced.
It's even better spiked with Southern Comfort.

14. What's your favorite search engine?
Are you kidding?
Bing.
And I don't mean Crosby.
Think about that for awhile. It will eventually get funny.

15. What's the worst experience you've ever had with alcohol?
What? Only ONE???
Baby, I've had hundreds. I could easily write a book.
I have (in the distant past) consistently woken up in bed with people who I never remember having seen before. 

16. What is bothering you right now?
Thinking about my sordid, hedonistic past.   

17. Have you ever dated a Goth?
No, but I've screwed a vampire.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. And it's true.

18. Can you sleep in total darkness?
Only when it's night.

19. What's the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today?
Gasped in horror. My cat Bosco was staring at me, only two inches away from my face. 

20. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed?
Come on over and we'll find out.
I presently sleep on a twin bed and it's hellishly uncomfortable. And my cat Bosco sleeps with me, which increases the hellishness.

21. Have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone that you shouldn't have?
That question is too profound to contemplate.

22. Is there anyone you want to come see you?
No.

23. Is it easier for you to go without food or without sleep?
I almost never sleep, so if I didn't have it I wouldn't miss it.
I crave food.

24. Name one thing that you love about winter.
The fact that it only comes once a year. 

25. Has anyone told you that they never want to lose you?
No, but when I was a child my father frequently told me to get lost.  

26. Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
Probably. But I'd eventually be captured in a net and taken to Bellevue.

27. Do you think someone might be thinking poorly about you? Why might that be?
People think poorly of me all the time. I have no clue why.

28. Can a man and a woman be friends without having feelings for each other?
Sure. I've despised a lot of women whom I was friends with.   
Ask a stupid question and you'll get a sarcastic answer.

29. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yes, I have an extremely close female friend whom I've known since grade school.


30. At what time in your life were you happiest and why?
When I was young, wild, and extremely adventurous living in Southern California. Why not?

31. Tell us about an era of your life that you really miss.
When I was living in Hollywood and burning the proverbial candle at both ends.  

32. Have you ever made love while you were in the room with another couple?
After careful consideration I deleted my answer


33. When was the last time you kissed someone and really enjoyed it?
I never kiss anyone that I don't enjoy.

34. Would you (or do you) prefer a small, intimate wedding reception, or a big-scale one?
I don't like weddings, would never endorse one, and think wedding receptions are a huge waste of money and time.
Hell, they'll probably be divorced in two years.

35. What's your earliest memory of puberty?
I have two distinct memories of puberty, neither of which I'd want to share on a public blog.

36. What's one big mistake that you did in your life, and what did you do to make it right?
If I ever listed the big mistakes that I made in my life it would be so astonishingly (and excruciatingly) long that no one would believe it.
Mistakes aren't always easy to remedy.

37. Have you ever been betrayed by someone that came as a complete surprise? Without revealing the person, tell us about it.
I was betrayed by the SOB that I was living with in the Missouri Ozarks. Without going into painful details, I'll only say that we nearly killed each other.

38. Do you trust easily?
Not any more.

39. When was the last time you were in a very good mood? What caused it?
When I graduated from high school and was finally free!

40. When and where did you meet the love of your life?
When I was 24, on a windy November night, at a concert in Santa Ana.

41. What's the longest that you've committed to one person?
About an hour and a half.
Okay, about eight years, off and on, till death did us part....

42. What blog do you think isn't getting enough notice?
Mine, of course.

43. When you walk into a room full of strangers, generally how is your confidence?
My confidence is non-existent, even when I walk into an empty room.

44. How different are you in real life compared to the online identity you have created for yourself?
I'm not quite as amusing or spontaneously adept. I'm definitely not a good conversationalist.
But my online personality isn't fabricated. What I convey on this blog is the "real" me.   

45. When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them?
Throw them at all the bastards who made me miserable.