INNOCUOUS QUESTIONS, INGENIOUS ANSWERS

 I haven't done a Sunday Stealing questionnaire in a long time. It's not Sunday, but I couldn't care less.

1. What type of day are you having?

The type of day that causes migraines, ice cold extremities, major regrets, acute malaise, and thoughts of murder and suicide. Other than that, it's not too bad.

It's presently 28 degrees (Fahrenheit), my errant furnace isn't working, but I'm keeping warm with space heaters, hot tea, and dreams of the tropics.

2. Was there anyone who "made your day"?

Truth to tell, no one has made my day in twenty years, at least. I will admit, however, that the FedEx delivery guy made my day yesterday. My order of supplies was delivered right on time - - and to the correct address (for a refreshing change).

3. Are you liking how you look today?

Are you kidding? I look like a left-over Halloween party favor that was run over by a Mack truck. The horrifying reality of the mirror assures me that my salad days are officially over.

4. Have you ever eaten a bug?

Not intentionally. Here in the Tennessee wilderness I've been plagued with insolent gnats all summer and most of autumn. I'm sure some of them have gotten into meals without my knowledge.

5. Are you a vegetarian?

Vegetarians annoy me immensely. They take every opportunity to pompously proclaim that they are vegan.

I'm carnivorous.....and a cannibal.

Watch out!

6. When was your last paycheck?

When Babe Ruth was king and Al Capone ruled Chicago.

7. How many pets do you have?

I won't mention the raccoons nesting in my roof, the 'possums under my house, and the mice that reside inside.

I used to have three cats, but Kitzee and Scruffy are now deceased. My only remaining cat is Bosco. He's pretty adept at catching mice.    

8. What kind of toothpaste do you use?

I used to use the kind that whitens and brightens. Nowadays I don't give a damn. I'll use anything that keeps my teeth from falling out.   

9. Are you closer to being rich or poor?  

I'm below the pauper level. My finances are so low that abject poverty seems like a luxury to me.
Life is a ruthless bitch. It takes but never gives.

10. What was the last gift someone gave you?

Calendars, books, and a nice assortment of exotic tea.

11. Do you appreciate that person?

Dumb question.

Linda lives in California and we've known each other since we were kids (several hundred years, I guess). She knows all of my secrets....

12. Did you talk to anyone you didn't like today?

I live in the wilderness, blissfully alone with my cat. I talked to my cat. And I talked to myself - - I'm one of the few people that I really like.

13. Do you like picnics?

About as much as root canals. I don't derive pleasure from sitting in the unpleasant elements, sharing my food with flies and ants.

14. What book are you currently reading?

How to Answer Annoying Questions With Dignity and Grace.

15. What song did you last listen to?

Wotan's Farewell from Die Walkure by Richard Wagner.

16. How many tabs are open on your computer?

Enough to annihilate Communist China.

17. Are you a very stressed out person?

"Stressed" would be a seriously gross understatement. I had psychotic trepidations when I was five, unrelenting anxiety attacks when I was twelve. My present state of acute anxiety and phenomenal stress is so high that Freud couldn't scrape me off the ceiling.

During calm moments, my stress level surpasses High Voltage.