AND FINALLY THE LAST

 Finally, the last month of an extremely grueling year. 

Before I get into my upbeat holiday posts and all the cutesy Christmas crap, I'm going to do one more depressing post - - the kind I know you're very reluctant to read.

I'm sure you'd rather read an uplifting post - - with me traipsing through the forest, accompanied by colorful unicorns and joyful fairies, waving my magical wand as it emits blissful pink showers of Lawrence Welk bubbles.

Sorry, comrades, but my forest is eternally plagued with grim nightmares, evil gnomes, and endless depths of dark, raw reality.

Life, as I know it, is an unrelenting bitch and there are no happy endings.

So, what have I been doing lately?

I was delighted when I received my new USB computer keyboard last Monday. I could finally write again!
Two nights later the Nature Gods saw my glee and pelted rural Tennessee with severe storms. Naturally there was a power outage and my computers and landline phone (as usual) were zapped dead. No Internet connection.

This happens every time there's a storm. I'm thoroughly, completely, absolutely disgusted at having to call my Internet provider for assistance. I'm tired of them having to come out and "fix" my computer.
So - -
I decided to fix the damn thing myself. I spent half the day messing with wires and connections. With absolutely no plausible technical knowledge I screwed around with all the reset buttons. Sometime around dusk, I finally got an Internet connection!
Small miracles sometimes happen - -
or was it a freak fluke......?

Despite this technical miracle, the rest of my life is hell.
My furnace isn't working and I don't have $3,000 for a new one. I'm using space heaters in the kitchen and bedroom and they're sufficient. This is absolutely the coldest house I ever lived in. The drafts and dampness are beyond belief. I don't need a furnace. I need an exorcist.

My November utility bill tripled - and the really cold weather doesn't arrive until January.

Late at night the raccoons keep me awake - ripping the roof apart and shredding the insulation.
I'm infested with mice.
More trees were toppled during the recent storm. The wild brush is over ten feet high.
I won't mention the problems I'm having with S.S., Motor Vehicles, and insurance. 

My health "issues" are beyond endurance.
High blood pressure, irregular heartbeat, constant aural migraines, a persistent hacking cough due to the dampness, constant severe cramps in my hands.

When I was twenty, I performed a piano concerto with a symphony orchestra.
Today my hands are so friggin' cramped that I can hardly hold a spoon.
If that isn't bitter irony, I don't know what the hell is.

Worst of all - I'm reluctant to admit this - but I'm losing my ability to walk.

This grim post is getting much too long, but I finally want to reveal everything about my ongoing spinal issues.

When I left California and moved to the Missouri Ozarks (I was in my early 30's) I had a horrific accident. It happened on Labor Day in September.
I was carrying a heavy vacuum cleaner up a flight of polished wooden stairs - and I was foolishly wearing only a pair of socks and no shoes. I slipped and fell down the flight of stairs.
I hit my spine so hard that I thought my back was broken. I couldn't move or walk. The bruises on my back were so bad that they were still there on Christmas.
Half a dozen spinal fractures, serious damage - I needed surgery but refused. As a result, I had permanent numbness and constant tingling in my left leg. And extreme difficulty moving my leg.

Fast forward to the winter of 2015 - - my first winter in Tennessee.

There was heavy snowfall and an ice storm. One of the water pipes burst under my house. Everything was flooding.
I panicked and ran outside to turn off the main water valve. The water meter is very far from the house, near the passing road. I had to run down a steep, icy hill.

I was (foolishly) wearing cowboy boots - which have no traction. Just as I got to the meter, I slipped on the ice and hit my spine EXACTLY where I had the injury in Missouri.
I fell in the snow and was completely paralyzed. There was absolutely no one to help me. I laid there for at least half an hour.

Somehow I got my arms to move and I summoned the courage and strength to crawl. Inch by inch I dragged myself up the icy hill and finally got to the back porch.
I'll never know how I survived.

To abbreviate an extremely long story - I never told anyone the seriousness of my situation and had no way of getting to a doctor.

If I ever revealed the agony I went through for the next year, nobody would ever believe it. The pain in my back and spine was so excruciatingly bad that I couldn't walk and spent most of the time in bed. I could hardly stand up to give my three cats (at that time) food and water. I could seldom prepare meals for myself.

It was a very long time before I attempted to make the long drive to town - and I was in such pain that I couldn't make it. I had to literally drag myself out of the car and crawl on my hands and knees to get back to the house.

It was months before I could manage to walk again and I eventually noticed a horrible, radical shift in my spine. I could no longer stand straight or walk normally.

Over the years, my spine kept getting worse. I continually lost my balance and often got paralysis in both my legs.

As of today, I'm slowly but surely completely losing my ability to walk. I desperately tried to ignore it, but it's finally getting much worse. I can hardly navigate....and have to hang onto walls, furniture, and anything else just to get through the house. I'm losing much of my coordination and can hardly lift anything at all. I'm in perpetual agony and often can't get my breath.

A horrifying plight when I live alone in a forest in the wilderness.

This is a BITCH of a post. It's too long, too depressing, and I've said far too much.
My main objective is to reveal everything I'm going through. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice.

Somehow I'll manage to survive. I've been through a helluva lot of bad times during my life. This is merely the latest challenge.

Everything in life is a challenge, some worse than others. We all have our burdens to endure.

If you dared to read this entire post - my heartfelt thanks.

I didn't bother to edit this and typos probably exist.

Thanks for your endurance,  Jon

OUT OF CHARACTER

 Slippery Slopes

I initially didn't think anyone would warm up to my previous post about Empress Alexandra Feodorovna. I was delightfully surprised that some people actually enjoyed it. Muchas gracias por tu amabilidad.

Perhaps I should do more historic posts. My blog is usually a shining example of valueless fluff. It often encompasses the mundane and very often embraces the nonsensical:  beer rants, photos of my forest-engulfed property or my rambunctious cats.

For variety I very often enjoy writing about my past - because it was so unique, colorful, and interesting ( a few miserable  spoilsports vehemently disagree).

I tend to shy away from writing about  deeply personal problems or health issues. These subjects inevitably evoke yawns of indifference and/or groans of displeasure. Nobody gives a royal crap about your health.

Today I'm going to step out of character (hence the title) and do some bitching and complaining. This would be a good time for the super-sensitive to leave the room.

Wow! The room is almost empty! My power of persuasion is impressive.

In several previous blog posts I've casually mentioned my back pain and also my "laziness" about doing things around the house. I never mentioned, however, the extent or seriousness of my back injuries - - or the fact that it is the sole reason I haven't been doing much physical work. 

Here's where it gets boring.

It all started about twenty years ago when I had a terrific fall. While carrying a heavy vacuum cleaner, I slipped and fell down a flight of stairs. I landed directly on my lower spine and sustained compression fractures. It never healed properly and as a result I had numbness and tingling in my legs for years.

Fast forward to 2014 when I moved to Tennessee. 

I live on treacherous mountainous terrain and have had several nasty falls since I've been here. The two worst falls happened during the winter of 2015. 

In the middle of a very frigid night, one of the water pipes froze and burst. I had to run outside to shut off the main water valve - which is annoyingly far away down the mountain slope.

Just as I got to the shut-off valve I slipped on the ice, flew through the air, and landed directly on my lower spine. The pain was so bad that I couldn't move for ten minutes. Rather than freeze to death on a slab of ice, I finally opted to crawl back up the slope to the house on my hands and knees.

I could hardly walk because of the ice injury, but literally forced myself to do work around here. About three weeks later I was outside in a snowstorm and....you guessed it.... fell on the ice again - directly on my lower spine again. This time, after the initial impact of falling, I slid down a steep embankment and smashed into the side of the house. I had internal bleeding for a week.

I deluded myself into thinking that these back injuries had eventually healed - until about two months ago when I suddenly began getting excruciating pain in my spine, lower back, and legs. It was so bad that there was no way I could possibly walk. It took me half an hour just to roll out of bed, and then I had to literally drag myself in agony across the floor. 
I was doing a bad imitation of Blanche in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Being a devout masochist, I endured this torture for several weeks - with the hope that I'd either die or eventually improve.

I eventually improved, but not nearly enough to dance the mambo or sing praises to Asclepius. It still takes about an hour before I'm able to navigate in the morning. Walking is difficult. And my posture is noticeably askew. Among other things.

As if this weren't enough, I've been getting vicious attacks of PVC's (premature ventricular contractions of the heart). I've had them for years and mine are usually induced by lack of sleep and stress. For me, magnesium supplements help immensely.

So, what was the purpose of this extremely unpleasant post? Only to proclaim that things aren't perfect up here in the realms of Eden. 
And I haven't even revealed half of my problems.

I don't want sympathy or advice. I simply felt an unwholesome need to rant. 

And I have to drive into town tomorrow. That should be fun. It's going to be 90 degrees, so I hope to get an early start.
For me, "early" means noon.