My New Year Resolutions for 2015
(in no particular order)
Get more RAM.
Quit being envious of those annoying people who have 850,000 "followers" on Blogger.
Expunge Windows 8.1
Memorize my fifty different passwords
Reveal my real age - - which will finally put an end to those nasty rumors that I was at the battle of Las Guasimas with Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders.
Enter rehab for eBay addiction.
Turn my cell phone on for at least ten minutes a day.
New boots.
Learn to clog.
Say something nice about Obama.
OUCH!! That one hurts like a circumcision without anesthesia.
Shave my mustache.
Naw. Then I'll look too young. It will startle and confuse everybody.
Enter rehab for Downton Abbey addiction.
Stay sober at least three days a month.
Yes, but WHICH three days?
Update my Pinterest account (which I haven't visited in years)
Stop breaking abruptly for tailgaters.
Be tolerant of children.
Yea, right. When they start selling pork chops in Jeddah. Who do you think I am, Mary Poppins?
Sanitize my vocabulary.
Less sweets, more fiber.
Floss
Remove those stupid Interview links on my blog sidebar. (keep scrolling - - you'll find them)
Never drink King Cobra malt liquor with Tequila chasers on an empty stomach.
Have my ass tattooed with the motto semper fidelis.
Leave BEFORE dawn, so I don't actually see who I was in bed with the night before.
Stop going to McDonalds when I'm in the mood for fine cuisine.
Stop adopting stray cats.
Stop adopting stray cowboys.
Whoops! That one got in by mistake. For a moment I thought I was still living in Texas.
And I was only joking.
Or was I?
Don't give up reading my blog. I'm still going to write about the adventures I had while driving from Texas to Tennessee.
By the way, my furniture is expected to FINALLY be delivered on Tuesday 6th. Will I ever actually sleep in a real bed again??
Okay, I'll admit it:
they're not quite as funny as I initially thought
When they start selling pork chops in Jeddah ... my God I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I've never heard that expression before and am so glad that I did just now.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked the Jeddah thing. I just made it up and thought it was pretty funny.
DeleteThis was hysterical. LOVED it. I'm going to have to join you on the following, "Expunge Windows 8.1. Memorize my fifty different passwords and enter rehab for eBay addiction."
ReplyDeleteI'll never understand Windows 8.1, but I'm trying.
DeleteI may have to join you in a few.....that Windows 8.1 thing..!! If NC state goes to that ..i'll have to quite my job..!!
ReplyDeleteHugs {{{}}}
As I have said before, I prefer to make resolutions for OTHERS to follow so that my life is easier. Much less work with all the benefits!
ReplyDeleteJon,
ReplyDeleteAn admirable list to be sure. A few suggestions, if you get a new computer get an Apple product. Free yourself from the need for virus protection and the endless and frustrating updates that is Windows based computers not to mention not being user friendly. Also, don't give up on adopting stray cowboys . . . er cats. I doubt if you'll find as many where you're living now. However, just don't let the word get out that you do adopt or else you'll find your neighbors doing you "a favor" and dropping those stray pussies on your doorstep. And while you're at it, get an iPhone. You'll never regret it. Get the big one, you are from Texas you know. (smile)
Ron
They are very funny; does anyone really have 850,000 followers? Only my family tree I only have about 1,130 and most of them are dead....It will be fun to get your furniture and open boxes, it will seem like Christmas.
ReplyDeleteGreat resolutions, Jon. I've just started 8.1 and am ready to throw it out the Windows (it would improve by defenestration). All those incomprehensible square things flood the screen when I don't want them, yikes! Don't sanitize your vocabulary! Profanity burns the plaque off the backs of your teeth and eliminates need for flossing. And those poor damned souls with 850,000 blogger followers have sold their souls to hell --there are more pleasurable routes to it. But, all in all, I see happiness ahead for you if you avoid bears in your yard at night. It's always worked for me.
ReplyDeleteI always appreciate your humor and input.
Delete