I've been plagued with the same problem ever since I was in my teens.
You mean drinking, Jon?
Hell, no. Drinking isn't a problem. It's a pleasure. I'm talking about insomnia. Acute insomnia. Tossing, turning, thinking, agonizing, worrying, listening to the grandfather clock chime every hour and half hour from midnight until 6:00 a.m.
By dawn, I'm hanging by my toes from the ceiling while emitting primal screams.
This absolute absence of shuteye happens every time I know I have to get up and go somewhere.
Today I had to make the dreaded drive into town - which means having to navigate an ENDLESSLY harrowing roller coaster track of narrow, winding mountain roads.
Try doing that when when you have a crack in your windshield, and your old contact lenses keep fogging up so badly that everything looks like the coast of Newfoundland at dawn on a bad day.
Why don't you get the crack fixed, Jon?
Because I'd rather spend the money on booze so I have the courage to drive to town.
Why don't you try soft contact lenses?
I'm wearing soft contacts, Kemo Sabe. And I'd have better vision if I wore a pair of x-ray glasses from an ad in a Superman comic book. I'm thinking of switching back to gas permeable.
To make matters worse (if that's humanly possible), the weather was against me.
You mean it rained again?
Nope. The sun appeared. Let me expound:
Here in rural Tennessee it rains nearly every day of the year. The sun is more rare than Hillary telling the truth.
(I deliberately threw that in to piss off my readers).
Today, as I got in my car and ventured out on the mountain road, the clouds miraculously cleared, the sun came out, and the temperature in my unairconditioned Hellmobile soared to 380 degrees.
So, I was not only sightless but also perspiring profusely. Not to mention drunk.
Jon, you're a DOA just waiting to happen.
Well, I wasn't exactly drunk. I merely had enough beer to expunge my apprehension, stunt my reflexes, and inspire me to sing a medley from South Pacific.
By the time I got to the Walmart parking lot, I was sweating like a Tijuana whore during a Saturday night gangbang, and marveling at the fact that I knew all the words to Bali Hai.
Did anything good happen to you today, Jonathan?
Yes! As I was pushing my way through the moping mob of ample-assed, unwashed hillbillies I suddenly saw a sign that brought joy to my dismal existence.
VACUUM CLEANERS WERE ON SALE!!!
I used to have three vacuum cleaners - two massive Hoovers and a small Dirt Devil. These were among the 100 or so items that the movers "lost" when I came to Tennessee.
These marked-down Walmart dirt suckers were a gift from God. I grabbed one.
That left me with no money to buy the new tile for my two bathroom floors, but I'll go back to town and buy that next week. Fortunately I stocked up on enough beer to make mountain road navigation a breeze.
I have more to say but I'll save it. Too much of a good thing can be dangerous.
Oh, one more thing before I go. My cell phone STILL isn't working - - in case you try to text (family & friends). I'll get it straightened out soon.
http://cabinetofcurioustreasures.blogspot.com
I too suffer from anticipatory anxiety and know it's no fun. Yes, a beer helps. 2 beers help even more. But if I have to drive, I'll put half a Nicorette Lozenge in my cheek and concentrate on piloting. Re: Walmart --one got built this year 2 miles down our road and I had my doubts about it (mostly from those crazy web photos of strange people in there) but have found customers courteous and considerate and workers helpful. My only trouble was trying to grasp the SIZE of the building. I enter the front and get through groceries and electronics to gardening supplies but, by then, the back doors give onto the next town. Walmarts are HUGE!
ReplyDeleteI should really get some valerian. Have you ever tried it? I used to use it long ago and it's quite effective and quite safe - only it might make you drowsy.
DeleteYour new Walmart must be a Supercenter, Geo. They are HUGE. We have one here in town, although it doesn't have an optometrist ....or a deli. And they don't sell booze.
I miss my wine and salami.
YAYZ FOR BEER! no kitty litter?
ReplyDeleteYes, I did get kitty litter.
DeleteAs for booze - I'd rather have wine, but this hick county is run by wine-hating Baptists. So I'll settle for beer.....
Jon, I'm glad you finally made it into town. My dreaded trip to Safeway was late Monday night. That's how I make the most of my insomnia: I only shop when there is no sun in sight. Just a friendly moon to keep me company as I make my way to the store. I've always wanted a grandfather clock - really makes a house seem like a home...
ReplyDeleteWhen I used to live near civilization I still hated to go out. You can only imagine my absolute terror of now having to drive endless miles on a winding mountain road!
DeleteI bought the grandfather clock about ten years ago for my mother. I really love it, but ever since I moved to Tennessee it has been running slowly.
I can relate to the worry the night before I have to go someplace. Absolutely!
ReplyDeleteGlad you got a vacuum bargain!!! Getting a bigger ticket item on sale is cause for celebration. :)
It was definitely worth the drive into town. Now I can have clean carpets again.
DeleteI think we're related. I hope so, because if we're not the similarities are waaaay too weird. I have had insomnia since I was ten years old and my mom told me I had to put up with being sexually molested by a relative by marriage who LOVED to be my "babysitter". I stopped sleeping. They say you NEED 8 hours and I wonder how - if I NEED it - I didn't die a long time ago. Joe will see the light on and check on me at 3am and cannot understand why I'm still awake. Now if you add having to GO somewhere, leaving the implied safety of my home, my insomnia jacks up into dread. It could be a doctor's visit, or the threat of a "good time to be had by all" and I'm hoping for a hurricane so we HAVE to stay home. Life is so hard to live inside my head.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jon, for putting my blog on your sidebar so I can safely find my way home. I sent you a letter but it might have gone into spam because I used my real name email account instead of lottajoy account.
p.s. I had the "foggy contact" experience and found out I'm constantly dehydrated and the contacts are drying out. Alcohol increases the fogging. So, you've gotta drink the dreaded water or constantly use eye drops. More fun.
DeleteDana, thankfully your email didn't go into the spam file. I just answered it a few minutes ago. Lately I've been hopelessly slow in reading my email.
DeleteChildhood trauma can very definitely cause life-long insomnia (among other things). There was always the terror of wondering what will happen if we fall asleep.....
You're absolutely right about alcohol causing the eyes to dry out. I used to get unbelievable eye infections when I lived in Texas - not only from drinking, but also from the EXTREMELY low humidity and perpetual dust.
DeleteUp until a few years ago, I used to think insomnia and anxiety attacks only happened to 'other people.' I just wish you didn't have to experience them alone.
ReplyDeleteImagining your rendition of Bali Hai cracks me up! My pups have to put up with Happy Talk most every morning, but that's the extent of my South Pacific repertoire. There's definitely something to be said about olden show tunes.
If you look up "anxiety" in the dictionary you'll find my name as the definition. My entire life has been high anxiety and chronic worrying. I hate to play the blame game, but I can honestly thank my father for it.
DeleteHumor and happy tunes are a good way to counteract the bad. Actually, I hated "South Pacific" but the tunes are okay when you're soused.
Sorry for laughing my way through your aggravating ordeal ... but the wording is just too funny. At least you scored a deal on a vacuum cleaner. I've benefited from drinking 1/2 to 1 cup of tart cherry juice for insomnia. It's packed with tryptophen ( which is an amino acid ) that converts to serotonin, which converts to melatonin. It has to 'tart' juice though, nothing with added sugar.
ReplyDeleteHopefully your next voyage to town ( check the brakes ) will be less anxious.
I'm always delighted when my humor is appreciated. Not everyone appreciates my humor...or bothers to read between the lines.
DeleteActually I'm not a particularly funny person, but I write exactly like I think. The words simply come out - and later I realize that they're funny.
I've never heard of (tart) cherry juice for insomnia and I didn't know it has tryptophen. I suppose the tartness makes you forget your problems....
Two things...I have NEVER seen a pussy hold beer bottle, and 2- I dated a guy named Hoover once. I hope your new vacuum has the same good skills.
ReplyDeleteYou'd be surprised what a drunk pussy can hold (I'm not speaking from experience).
DeleteI'm assuming Hoover was your date's first name.
For a moment I thought of Herbert and became alarmed.
I shouldn't say
DeleteI've seen a pussy
hold a beer bottle
that would be
naughty
This is a clean blog. It could be read to children......well, almost.....
DeleteHow much do they have to pay worldly people, who are not married to their sister, to live in those hills?
ReplyDeleteWell, hell, it's better than Texas.....
Delete(I think)
Jon,
ReplyDeleteThat insomnia isn't a joke. My wife suffers from chronic insomnia and it really can mess up your existence. I have made a note not to ride with you if you're driving. I've been on those Tennessee roads!
Larry
I think most people with insomnia are afflicted their entire lives. I've had it as long as I can remember.
DeleteThe similes you come up with are as rare as a tie tack in a nudist colony. :)
ReplyDeleteInsomnia sucks. Not getting enough sleep can make a person half-crazy.
Hey, I'm half-crazy even when I get sleep.
DeleteMy LORD you are in BAPTIST country and VACUUM CLEANERS WERE ON SALE. Jesus must have brought them in for you personally. A MIRACLE indeed. But like you I'd WINE about the beverages on hand. Glad you made it back up the hill in one piece.
ReplyDeleteThe vacuum cleaner - - and the fact that I survived - were both miracles.
Delete