REFLECTIONS

 

I never make New Year resolutions. It's a well-intended gesture that is basically useless, futile, and seldom realized.

For me, New Year's Eve has always been a time for sober reflection and serious introspection. As past years pile up behind me and future years begin to look comparatively sparse, my reflections are becoming more grim.
That's the pessimism in me - which often has a rein on my emotions.

Optimists assure us that we have control of our lives and destiny and can do anything that we set our minds to.

The realist in me knows that, to a very large extent, this isn't true. No matter how lofty our goals may be, our plans can be easily be thwarted by the unexpected. Life is a maze filled with detours, obstacles, dead ends, bogus routes, and passages to nowhere. It's impossible to securely pave a seamless road to our intended destination.

This past decade was the worst time of my entire life. I was plagued by one major disaster after another, which - without going into painful details -  eventually rendered me into what I am today: a hermit existing in near-poverty in the Tennessee wilderness.

As if that wasn't enough, I have been inundated with health issues and physical ailments that I've never mentioned to anyone - not even my relatives or closest friends.

In essence, I've become a shadow of my former self and it isn't easy to deal with. 

I suppose the deepest psychological wounds I presently bear are those inflicted by my losses:
I lost relatives, friends, and lovers through death. I lost all of my financial savings when I lived in Texas. When I came to Tennessee the movers lost all of my most cherished possessions.

The mirror keeps reminding me that my youth and good looks have vanished.

I know I'm not alone with my grievances. Life is indiscriminately cruel and we are all plagued with subtractions of one kind or another.

I have no list of New Year resolutions, but at the threshold of 2019  my reflections have yielded one simple, redeeming thought:

The past cannot be changed, no matter how much we grieve. The future is eternally unpredictable.

The only tangible gift we have is the present.

Instead of wallowing in the mire of bitterness and regret, it is far more productive to focus on the things we have now - no matter how sparse or humble they may be.

Within the shroud of shadow there is always a hopeful ray of light.