So, how has my life been going lately?
Let's put it this way: the unmitigated joy of living in the wilderness is so intense that I usually keep the blissful details to myself - in order not to alarm anyone.
To fully describe my August adventures (so far) would be excruciatingly long, so I'll start with something simple and uncomplicated - - like the gnats.
Every August, for the four long years that I've lived here, there has been a mercilessly unceasing influx of gnats. I'm not talking a few gnats for a few days. I'm talking one of the plagues of Egypt.
The gnats completely and thoroughly infiltrate the house and there's no way to stop them. They descend upon everything - food, trash cans, sinks, tables, countertops - they thrive in the cat's food and litter boxes.
To make matters worse, they are EXTREMELY aggressive - attacking my face, racing up my nose, trying to get into my mouth.
It's nearly impossible to eat a meal. I have to keep the food covered while I'm trying to take a bite. And I keep a small fan on the table in the feeble hope of blowing them away.
I left a cantaloupe on the kitchen counter overnight and they descended upon it with the unholy enthusiasm of Aesop's feast.
It was the only analogy I could think of.
They scurry along the pages of books while I'm reading in bed, and if I happen to fall asleep they buzz in my ears - rudely interrupting erotic dreams.
Their unrelenting presence and indefatigable persistence is enough to make a grown man cry. I speak from experience.
As I'm writing this post, they're playing hopscotch on the computer keys and laughing at the table fan that I have on to dissuade them.
A frantic search on the Internet revealed one ploy to fight back: vinegar.
A bowl of vinegar (with a few added drops of dishwashing liquid) attracts them like flies on a cow pie. Or Democrats on a fake collusion. Sorry - I couldn't resist.
I usually place a bowl of vinegar in (nearly) every room. It doesn't completely alleviate the agony of the gnats, but it does decrease the attendance at their Bacchanalia.
I'm going to divide this post into two parts because it's getting kinda long.
Brace yourselves, boys and girls.
The gnats are going to look like a ride at Disneyland, compared to the next horrifying tale I'm going to tell you.
You won't believe what happened to me these past few days.
Stay tuned for the dramatic (hair-raising) conclusion. Coming soon!
OMG, Jon! I wonder if your gnats aren't like what I experienced in Tampa … we called 'no see ums.' Yep, all over our faces and up the nose. What about Scratch and Bosco? If the vinegar doesn't work, could you 'fog' your place and stay with Nancy for a few nights? Breathlessly awaiting Part 2!
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know exactly what these ruffians are called - but the thrive in hot weather. As soon as it cools they'll be gone (if it ever cools....)
DeleteYou're gonna like Part Two
You have fruit flies! They sure are horrible to have. I wash my fruit as soon as I get it home and keep what I can of it in the frig. Any peels, food etc. going into the garbage can gets put in a sealed bag first. Tied off bread bag, old Ziploc bag, plastic shopping bag. That helps too, but you are on it with the vinegar and dish soap. Good luck with those nasty little things. Wendy
ReplyDeleteThey really thrive in hot weather and they are attracted to almost anything.Even when I wrap garbage in plastic bags they manage to get inside.
DeleteI'm hoping it snows.....
Welp, this makes me glad I live in a cold weather climate.....no gnats! I'm a bit fearful of what comes next . . . Centipedes, tarantulas, cockroaches?
ReplyDeleteYou have a lovely and amusing writing style, Jon. I'm glad I found you through my friend, Ron. You are both what I affectionately call, 'characters.'
Well, it's reassuring to know I'm viewed affectionately. I am definitely a character. You're fortunate to live in a cold weather climate. Tennessee summers are fairly mild, but this one is unusually hot.
DeleteI'm having trouble with wasp here, only been stung twice. The guys that spray every month tried to find a nest, but never did they sprayed around in all the flower beds and that hasn't hope. Every time I go around to my truck door on the driver’s side, they're waiting for me. If you know of anything to kill a wasp let me know.
ReplyDeleteWasps can really be frightening (and aggressive). I have a lot of them around here, too. They build nests everywhere.
DeleteI usually buy Ortho "Home Defense" from Walmart - which has a sprayer connected to the container (it comes in a one gallon size) - But it's very difficult to spray wasps. You have to be quick and accurate.
here in wv those are known as dog pecker gnats. the only way to get them away from your face is to drop your pants. ta da. i'll be here all week
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of dog pecker gnats, but if I drop my pants it might help scare them away!
Deletethey laugh at me
DeleteJon, I commiserate. We had a rat die under the house and I was shocked at how many flies emerged from its misfortune. Of course they got into the bathroom wall and I went shopping for Rescue Co.'s "TRAPSTIK". It trapped about zillion flies in one day. Package says "catches houseflies, clusterflies (whatever those are), and GNATS. Product's color attracts flies. Your excellent vinegar method looks most effective, but if you've got other flying disturbances, TRAPSTIK is cheap and need only be placed on and indoor window sill where all Egyptian (and other airborne)plagues try to get out. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI have a surplus of insects this summer, Geo - including flies. I've never heard of Trapstik but I'll definitely look for it. I need all the help I can get.
DeletePlagues begone!
I know fly killer is supposed to kill flies but there might be a chance it will also make the gnats feel a bit sick. Oooh I hate gnats!
ReplyDeleteI'm ready to try ANYTHING to get rid of them - - including firearms.
DeleteThey are beyond annoying.
OMG Jon, aren't gnats the most ANNOYING things?
ReplyDelete"They descend upon everything - food, trash cans, sinks, tables, countertops - they thrive in the cat's food and litter boxes."
Yes! Yes! Yes! They descend upon EVERYTHING! And what especially grosses me out is when you're in a restaurant and you see a few buzzing around the food on your plate. GROSS!
"I have to keep the food covered while I'm trying to take a bite."
YES!!!!!!! Same here!
This is yet another reason why I hate summer. I don't like the heat. And I don't like the bugs that come with summer. Ewwwwww!
I didn't know that about vinegar. Thanks for sharing that tip. Isn't something how vinegar as so many excellent purposes?
Looking forward to your dramatic (hair-raising) conclusion!
That's the main reason why I hate summer, too - - bugs thrive in hot (humid) weather. I would rather FREEZE in the winter and be bug-free.
DeleteI used to think Texas was the buggiest place on earth, but the Tennessee wilderness is worse.
And after the gnats finally disappear, we'll get the Asian beetles in September.
Part Two is coming SOON!
That sounds awful! My whole place would smell like vinegar--LOL!
ReplyDeleteRita - my whole place DOES smell like vinegar and I hate it!
DeleteLOL! I don't like that smell, either! I did it for plant fungus gnats a couple years ago. Phew!
DeleteI'm not sure of the difference between gnats and fruit flies, but it sounds like fruit flies because of the "remedy" to attract them -- cider vinegar and detergent. This is what we did when in VA because we also had an invasion, but not quite like the one you have been dealing with Jon. And I read Part 2 before this post, so I will agree these are not joys of wilderness living in the least.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know if these are gnats or fruit flies. I did a search on the Internet but I'm still confused. There seem to be MANY different species. I'm yearning for cooler weather, which always makes them disappear.
Deletesounds awful. hope you find a solution.
ReplyDeleteI'll just keep using the vinegar - and hope that the weather cools so they'll go away.
ReplyDelete