Some long-time readers of my old blog Lone Star Concerto might remember the time I bought the cake at Walmart in Odessa, Texas.
Then again, maybe you won't.
It was a chocolate cake, on sale. The cake was tightly sealed in a plastic container, and there was a giant "Reduced Price" label on top which obscured half the cake.
When I got home and opened the container, the part of the cake that was hidden by the label had a huge piece missing. It looked like somebody had carelessly hacked it out!
I didn't bother to return it to Walmart, because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Who the hell ever bought a cake with a gigantic piece missing? I threw the whole thing in the trash.
A few weeks ago, here in Tennessee, I bought a few "snack cake" pies. I actually don't like them very much because they're too sweet and kinda soggy, but they're only 50 cents each.
There's no way in hell I was going to drive a zillion miles back to town to return a 50 cent pie - - so, I tossed it in the garbage.
Most of my classic food horror stories happened when I lived in California.
I remember when I was about fifteen years old and my Mom bought some special ice cream that was made for the holiday season. It was French vanilla and had red and green cherries in it.
As I was happily devouring a bowl of the ice cream, I felt something hard and strange in my mouth. I pulled it out and.....you'll never believe this......it was a great big fingernail!!!
I wouldn't even want to venture a guess as to how the heck it got in there, but I didn't eat ice cream again for over a year.
I still have occasional red and green cherry nightmares - - and anything to do with fingernails makes me lose my appetite.
You wanna hear about the burrito? I ordered a Burrito Supreme from a take-out Mexican restaurant. Took one bite and found a hair. Not just any hair.
It was an extremely long, thick industrial-sized black hair that was embedded through the entire length of the giant bean, cheese, and beef burrito.
How about the Spanish fly?
I bought a jar of salad olives imported from Spain. Ate almost all the olives. When I looked in the bottom of the jar, I discovered a huge dead fly!
Another take-out food story.
My parents and I went to the grand opening of a Carl's Jr. - which I think was in San Bernadino. We ordered a bunch of hamburgers, fries, and other things. When we opened the bags of food, everything was covered with little red bugs - hundreds of them - running around everywhere.
That was the very last time we ever went to Carl's Jr.
Besides, their food is always crappy even without the bugs.
I remember the time we went to a fancy restaurant in Newport Beach. My mother ordered a big salad.
I jokingly told her to check it carefully to make sure nothing strange was in it. She dug down to the bottom and found a big, juicy worm!
The piece de resistance
I saved the best for last. At least it's the one that shook me up the most.
I was working as a security officer and my shift ended at midnight. When I got home, I was tired but decided to make a snack.
The easiest thing to make was a cup of Ramen Noodle Soup. The kitchen was dimly lighted with only a nightlight. I quickly heated the water, made the soup, and got out a big (old) box of crackers from the cupboard.
In semi-darkness I opened the cracker box and started stuffing loads of crackers into the soup. Something didn't taste quite right, but I was hungry and kept eating. And eating.
When the soup was nearly finished and most of the crackers were gone, I finally got up and turned on a bright kitchen light.
I looked at the remaining crackers......and discovered that they were rotten and FILLED with LIVE WHITE WORMS!!!!
I didn't faint and I didn't puke.
But I refused to eat crackers again for well over ten years. No lie.
And to this day, I always CAREFULLY inspect crackers before eating them.
Bon Appetit!
Well you certainly have had more than your share of food horror stories, Jon. A couple of these really would have freaked me out, the worms and the fly. Almost forgot about the red bugs from Carl Jr’s and that’s what I would want to do...forget them. I don’t have any food horror stories to compare with any of these and hope it stays that way😉
ReplyDeleteOMG, I may never eat again. Seriously!
ReplyDeleteOh it's this a nice mind calming post!!!! YUCK! Those Little Debbie pies are way to sweet. I prefer, if I don't make a homemade pie or one from the farmers market, the Tatsy-Kake pies.
ReplyDeleteNow a friend of mine went to Walmart and bough an item, can't remember what it was, but when he opened the box it was filled with mice droppings. It was the factories fault, but still, he hasn't been back.
OMG never, ever have I had any problems with food but if I had I would never eat again. Where I live there are strict rules where food is concerned and I thank the Lord for them. You survived well considering....
ReplyDeleteWow! Those are some awful food experiences. I am positive that if I ever saw how our food production plants handle our food, I wouldn't be near as fat as I am.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago I had really come to enjoy cooked salmon. It was easy to prepare, tasted good, and was good for me. But then a friend emailed me to tell me to be careful if I bought salmon to cook. She had purchased raw, not frozen salmon at a very well known super large food store that's name starts with the letter C. She said she had bought it the day before, put it into her refrigerator, and when she opened the package to cook it, there were small, thin white worms all over the piece of salmon. She sent a video along with the email. The damn worms were wiggling all over. I have hardly eaten any salmon since then, I still can't unsee that video. I thought that salmon was supposed to be frozen to a very low point to kill any parasites in it. I wouldn't eat raw fish sushi unless someone put a gun to my head, and then I would have to think it over.
My other worst awful food accidental additive was many, many years ago. We had gotten fried catfish at an extremely popular local VFW Friday fish fry. We took it home and I had eaten about half of my piece of catfish, when I noticed that the flesh had big white coiled worms in it. The sight of it (and the realization that I had already eaten half of it) made me throw up. People line up in long lines to get this fried fish. They did way back then and still do now. But not me. I called the County Health Department on the Monday after and they asked me if it was cooked thoroughly, I said yes,and they said I would be ok. Anytime we drive past there when people are lined up for their "worm fish", I feel nauseated all over again,and it's been at least 25 years ago.
I think today's post, and comments could possibly be an excellent appetite suppressant and aid to dieting.
O.M.G., Jon! I'm about ready to upchuck just reading your experiences. On the bright side, since I struggle with (no) appetite control I need to print this story and carry it with me. Seriously, I need to share this with my son … since 2005 he's a (self-employed) distributor for Little Debbie. I'd love to hear his take on that missing piece!
ReplyDeleteChecking in to make sure you're OK. Blog when you can! I am concerned.
ReplyDeleteGood Lord!! I have never had anything like that happen! I have found a hair a couple of times over my long life--but it was my own from my own kitchen. OMG! I think I will have nightmares, too!! Awk!
ReplyDeleteI haven't had the number of bad experiences (rather like the monkey brains I had at a Tet celebration in Da Nang 50+ years ago), but once at a Mexican restaurant in Anchorage I found a whole, soggy napkin in the refried beans. Hope this finds you well and covid 19 free.
ReplyDeleteOmg, this made me laugh out loud, just due to the craziness of all this happening to the same person! I've had food poisoning from eating in restaurants a few times, but nothing like this. I do remember as a child, my parents pouring a glass bottle of Pepsi and finding a metal rod inside. They called the bottler and I think received a number of free cases. As a young adult, I ordered a salad at the Ground Round and while eating it, dug my fork into a piece of a towel. Did not receive an apology or anything. Place was out of business soon after.
ReplyDelete