GLOOMY SUNDAY

 I was planning to delete my previous post Acute Embarrassment, but decided not to - simply out of courtesy for those who took time to leave comments. My initial intention was to incorporate a little humor into my mundane blog, but my previous knack for humor is obviously long gone......just like everything else in my former life.

Truthfully, all the spark and humor that used to be in me has rudely been extinguished. I no longer give a damn. To be brutally truthful, I am drowning in a very deep depression - a psychotically insurmountable depression. For the past few months I tried to suppress it with unobtainable expressions of hope, courage, and cautious optimism. Brutal realism is assuring me that such nonsensical fantasies don't really exist.

After nearly dying in early June and wasting away in the confinement of a hospital, I am completely physically and mentally drained - or, more likely, destroyed.

I've always been a realist and a pessimist, and these unhappy traits are aggressively kicking in.

I know fully well that I'll never have a "normal" life again - (and perhaps will never have life at all). I'll never have my physical or mental strength again. I'll possibly never see my home again, or enjoy the peace and solitude that I once knew.

Many people told me that living alone, completely isolated in a rural area, was dangerous and unwise.

I have always completely disagreed. There are many obstacles, complications, and inconveniences, but secretly - despite my many complaints - I absolutely loved it. Peace, privacy, and contentment in the bosom of nature - something I always dreamed of. I have absolutely no regrets. None whatsoever.

People gently suggested that I should move into town. What the hell was I supposed to do there? Forfeit my peace and privacy? Realistically, nobody would give a flying shit about me whether I dropped dead in town or in the wilderness.

Time -- fleeting, unstoppable, merciless time - - is running out. I missed an entire summer in the prison of a hospital bed. What about autumn - the season that I have always been passionately in love with? My spirit will always wander restlessly with the mellow ghosts of October. I will always be there in the melancholy mists and breathless whispers of wind that sings through the forest trees.

I will be there.

No one will miss me.

                                        Jon

One of my videos. I've always loved the way Billie Holiday sang this song. A few of the original depressing lyrics were sanitized for the recording.

The song was written by the Hungarian pianist Rezso Seress(1889 - 1968)

Lyrics by Hungarian poet Laszlo Javor (1903 - 1992).

Ironically, Rezso Seress committed suicide. He jumped out of a high window but survived. In the hospital, he strangled himself.