Easy to decipher. My heart is lost, my soul is lost, my fragile shreds of optimism were lost long ago.
I desperately try to remember the self that I was long ago. I try to conceal an indefatigable depression that gnaws away at everything my sustaining foundation had.
I've been ensconced too long in this lifeless physical therapy facility, which is now a prison. Too many idle days, too many meds, an abyss of inactivity.
My biggest fear is that of losing my mental capacities......and never seeing my forest home again. I'm desperately trying to maintain my mental and physical capabilities.
The phantom doctor appointment supposedly on August 12th, Tuesday? I'm still getting infuriating mixed messages. But I will persist. I plod on. Somehow.
I confirm my feeble existence in strange ways.
Tonight I've chosen two of my old videos. Few people like my videos. Very few understand them.
I'll share explanations. Secrets from my soul.
"Fallen Angels" and "Heart of the Lost"
Fallen Angels represents a deeply scar-ridden excavation of my long-ago past. Young, oblivious to danger, purposefully self-destructive. I've confessed this many times before......
......but there are more things, much darker than that which I chose to reveal. In the midnight underworld of unspeakable L.A. and Hollywood, I kept company with the lost phantoms of Hades - - I was a silent witness to scenes you wouldn't dare to imagine.
Pimps and dealers, and the battered hookers whom they owned, girls so highly addicted that they couldn't remember their own names......or the unspeakable acts they performed with strangers for another "fix".....
.....and the male hustlers, much more prevalent than the females - - desperately haunting every midnight street and alley. I vividly remember the boy I called Midnight Blue. Hustling every night in downtown L.A. Hardly fourteen. So physically beautiful that I wrote a poem about him....published in my book.
"His eyes are electric - - they will execute you."
There were criminals that I knew with darker secrets. Cold blooded murder.
The silence often screams.
Where are these fallen angels now? Lost souls long ago. My video was made in remembrance of them.
The music I used is "Dark Spanish Symphony" by Angelo Badalamenti (1937 - 2022).
"Heart of the Lost"
That's the title of my video and the Celtic music by Ean Grimm.
No one understood this video when I posted it on YouTube in the spring of 2021. It was an extremely personal statement.
I was very sick with cancer and congestive heart failure. This was before I sought medical help. I decided that I would purposely end the agony.
My plan was to go into my beloved forest, and savor the blessed solace that nature provided. I would bid farewell where my spirit wanted to be.
My soul was finally released in the form of a white wolf......
.......forever free.
Jon 💜 with love, free forever
many thanks for reading this, viewing the videos, and trying to understand
Videos best viewed full-screen and full volume
Jon,
ReplyDeleteI watched both of your videos! The Spanish Symphony is beautiful, haunting music. Music that I've never heard before. Thank you for introducing me to this music. The fallen angels, I did get a glimpse of that during one of me and Pat's visits to West Hollywood. I saw this beautiful young man on the streets, sitting on a curb, dirty clothes, unwashed and contemplating perhaps his lost dreams while he looked at the soiled pavement where his feet rested. I thought "How did he end like this? So young, so handsome and so lost?" I have to admit this has always baffled me as it has Pat (he has plenty of homeless in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada too). The answer of course is losing control to drugs. Something that I would never permit myself to do. However, I wonder sometimes where I would have ended up in life had I not met Bill and he was my stalwart support both emotionally and financially during my Foolish Youth. But now I know we lead many lives and this life is but one of them. It's all about learning and love. Even now, that I have lost Bill and am still grieving that he is not in my life, I am ever so thankful that Pat is. I just got off of FaceTime with him. I know you love your mountain home in the wooded wilderness and yearn to go back there. You feel trapped now in your situation. This is something I fear every day for myself now that I'm losing my ability to walk. But like you I still have my mind and my independence. If I didn't have Pat, who will possibly be my caregiver someday here at Casa Tipton-Kelly, I think I would call it quits. But then one never knows. My late friend Bob McC. said the same thing and where did he end up? Yes, in a assisted care facility then in a One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest prison where he died. Pat was with me when I last visited Bob there. Bob, who suffered from Parkinson's disease, could only grunt. He couldn't form words. But now he is in Heaven, along with Bill and where one day I will join them. That knowledge keeps me going living the daily challenges here in this physical life on earth. Again, such beautiful and haunting music to your images on your videos. They spoke to me Jon. Have a peaceful day Jon.
Ron
Thank you for your beautiful comment, Ron. You've expressed a lot.
DeleteDark Spanish Symphony was originally in the movie Wild at Heart, starring Nicholas Cage and Laura Dern. It was also used in an old PBS documentary about the Donner Party.
I'm glad you and Pat got a glimpse of Hollywood. It changed immensely since I knew it. Downtown LA. was more dangerous. Midnight Blue was only 13 - the most beautiful boy I ever saw. He has always haunted me. Who was he? Where was he from? Where were his parents? I always felt that he had a tragic and early end.
What a shame Jon for young men like Midnight Blue. It has always puzzled me why and how they ended up on the wrong path. Something I've never understood. But I do believe each one of our lives on this earth, and we have many, are learning experiences. My one constant has always been to maintain my personal dignity even though I was tempted many times to "experience" a good time. I will always remember the one time I was spending a week with Nick Brown, a guy I met in Provincetown who was from Lompoc California. I was in Seventh Heaven that week I spent with him. One evening we were going out to dinner and he asked me "Do you want to take a line?" I didn't know what he meant. He pointed to a piece of flat glass that was lying on top of the bureau of his rented room that had a line of white powder on it. I knew what it was and it wasn't confectioner's sugar. I said "Why would I want to do that?" He said "It makes you feel good." I said back to him "But I already feel good. I can't imagine feeling any better than I do now with you." I said "You don't have to take it if you don't want to." And I didn't. That I was already feeling good and the fact that I never want to lose control of my life is why I didn't "take a line." Choices we make. Life is a learning experience.
DeleteThese are both beautiful videos.
ReplyDeleteI took in the street kids at night--gave them a place to crash and fed them goulash that was mostly pasta and tomato soup--back in 1969 when I had a shared apartment in Anoka, Minnesota and a job. The door was locked at midnight and my one rule was no drugs or booze allowed--because we occasionally got raided by the police. There was one boy about 13-14 years old I only knew as Spider who I had to watch like a hawk for sneaking in drugs. Had to throw him out a couple of times. Somebody stole the rent money I was collecting--lost the apartment and my job--ended up living on the streets that summer with a lot of the same kids I had been feeding and let sleep on the floor--lol! They were good kids. Lost kids. That fall I heard that Spider had died taking both heroin and cocaine at the same time. He was a fallen angel.
We both had incredible journeys, Rita, and I'm glad we survived. You were a good caring soul who went through a helluva lot. I'm so glad you finally peace...and a good home with Alley 😸
DeleteYou know what? Pasta and tomato soup still sounds good ( but now soup is expensive).
What a shame that drugs destroyed so many fallen angels.....
"finally found peace" sorry for typo
DeleteNot as peaceful as it seems. Blog tomorrow. :(
DeleteI certainly understand what you are expressing in these videos, Jon. I want you to express yourself, let whatever feeling you feel the need to share come onto the page. The videos left me with a feeling of both calm and melancholy.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sandra, your comment means a lot. Sometimes I feel too "dramatic" expressing myself, but I always need to do it. A benificial purge of the soul....
DeleteYes, I wanted the videos to express calm and melancholy.
Your story of the mean streets of Hollywood reminds of the time in the summer of 1978 when I had to help one of my uncles move when I was 14.
ReplyDeleteWe drove there from Orange County at night. Driving through the Hollywood streets was an eye opener to say the least ! An alarm going off at some store and a man tearing down the boulevard with a stolen tv set. He dropped and then dragged the tv by its electric cord, bashing it to smithereens before he let go, then left it on the sidewalk, as he ran down the boulevard into the darkness.
Then we pulled into the side street where my uncle lived. A black couple walked across the street in front of the car with a pair of Doberman pinschers, all four wearing studded collars and shuffling their feet in the same manner, it had to be seen to be believed !
At the end of the street was an old 15 story white stucco hotel its upper floor windows blackened and scorched by fire. My uncle said it had been a grand hotel built in the 1920’s, fell on hard times and was abandoned. The homeless and the drug addicted squatted there in the 1970’s and then one night in the winter of 1977 they decided to have an indoor barbecue. The hotel caught fire and several of them were killed.
We then pulled into the 2 story motel where he lived and he parked his 1964 Buick. When we entered the motel courtyard, by the pool was a group of people smoking pot and freebasing dope under an umbrellaed table surrounded by a thick haze and pall of smoke. They called out to my uncle and asked if I was his latest fuck !
I couldn’t believe it and was mortified, I then wondered what the hell I got myself into. Worse was to come ! When we got to his unit on the second floor, he unlocked the door and he went to the bathroom to turn on a light. In the meantime I stood in the doorway with my hand on a vinyl couch, I could feel something crawling across my hand. When my uncle flicked on that light, in the middle of his living room/bedroom was a spiral of thousands of roaches of all sizes surrounding what must have been king roach ! They then immediately scattered in all directions and were all gone before I knew it. You could hear them crawling all over the linoleum floor and on the furniture. I asked my uncle how can you live this ?! He said it was no big deal and they were his friends ! :\
We finally got his belongings out to the car and went to see his landlady to turn in his keys to the unit. She stood there with her pet dog in her arms. The red haired landlady had runny eyes as did red furred her dog, they looked like twins ! She was crying because she was going to miss my uncle and felt he was the only normal person living there, as she was afraid of her other tenants.
When we left we drove down the main boulevard, what an adventure that was !
We were hitting every stop light and the fun began. First a drug addict came up and asked if we were selling drugs he could buy, did he get mad when my uncle said no. Another stop light, and there was a hustler in his late teens, he looked up at me, smiled and gave me the thumbs up. I was astonished and didn’t know what to think. Did he assume I was a hustler too with a john or did he see my concerned face and just wanted to let me know he was ok. Like your Midnight Blue, I still think about him and what became of him. Next light and a hooker came up, tapped on the door and offered to fuck with us both for 25 bucks ! The next stop light and a man cussing like a demon out loud came up to the car, looking like he wanted to kill someone.
That’s when I rolled up the window and told my uncle to get into the middle lane for my own safety.
Onto the 5 freeway and back home we went, away from the Hollywood we are told is so glamorous, and up close is far from it. :(
-Rj
Welcome to Hollywood!
DeleteYour fascinating description is right on target how Hollywood was in the 70s and 80s. I don't know how it is now, but I'd never go back.
Ironically, I knew some wealthy and famous people there - - and they were just as trashy and screwed up as the homeless.
When you mentioned the once-posh 15 story abandoned hotel, I thought of the Garden Courts Apartments on Hlywd. Blvd. - but only 5 stories. It was fantastic in the 1920s but fell into disrepair. It was a sleazy hotel in the 70s - I lived there for two weeks. I was on a commission to save the building, along with Debby Reynolds who wanted to turn it into a museum. Eventually the building was infested with squaters and was known as Hell Hotel. The last I saw it was in 1984, right before it was torn down.
Many thanks for your input!
"squatters" my spelling stinks
Deletemaybe we should all call your facility
ReplyDeleteto remind them of your appointment
after the first five calls
what the heck?
after the first ten...
WHAT THE _ _ _ _!
Lisa💜Posh💜Whiteface
(salemslot9 journal)
That's a very good idea!! And if there is no appointment, I think everybody should call and complain about that. It's about time that the staff in this facility wakes up !!
DeleteI hope you're doing ok, Lisa.
Beautiful music, soul stirring.....
ReplyDeleteJo
Thank you, Jo. The music is an apt expression of how I feel.
DeleteAfter an (unintentional) absence from Blogland, I saw your latest post about discontinuing Lone Wolf Concerto ... I'm gutted. Please tell us that's not so!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm completely overwhelmed, Myra. I can't function anymore. And some bloggers who tried to help, made things far worse. I'm writing too much and revealing too much. I cant handle it. Maybe later, if I survive.....Jon
DeleteI’m really sorry you're feeling this way. It’s okay to step back—you don’t owe anyone anything right now. If writing feels like too much, it’s okay to set it down. You’re carrying so much; no wonder it feels overwhelming. I’m holding you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI truly appreciate your caring and compassion. It means a lot. Perhaps I'll return - after my internal storm.
DeleteYou are one of a kind. I'm glad I found your blog those years ago when you were in Texas. May you rest in peace at last.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad there's only one of me. Could you imagine two? *smile*
DeleteThank you, Donna. Take care.
ReplyDeleteWe are all Electric Blue. Where are our parents? How did we get here? But we are here. Life is given to us. It is on purpose for each of us. Prayers for you, Jon, and for him. Maybe he is sitting in a small house by the sea looking out at the waves and wishing he could forget. I wish he could forget too. I wish he would reach out to the Lord truly, safely, and be set free. God bless you, Jon.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -Words of Jesus in John 16:33
It was so very long ago that it seems like a faraway dream.
DeleteI'll find peace within......and possibly return to this blog....
I hope you will return.
Delete