HEART OF THE LOST

 

By some technological miracle, I have an Internet connection so I'm writing a new post. Nothing interesting nor important. Just confirming the fact of my existence. Probably typos, because my right arm hurts so much that I can hardly type.

Before I go into updates, I want to turn back the clock - to the 1st of June, 2023. Now, over three years ago. That was the horrible day when my long medical journey began. I knew at least a year previously that I was seriously ill. A tumor on my pelvis, directly on the main artery, which caused massive hemorrhages. At the time I didn't have medical insurance and was too frightened to get help.

The things I went through were so terrifying that I wouldn't want to describe it on this (public) blog.

Incredibly, during that time I still managed to blog - but my posts were strange, disjointed, depressing. Nobody knew how I was suffering. I hinted....but hints mean nothing.

During this time, I made the video "Heart of the Lost" (the title is from the music, written by Ean Grimm). I posted the video...and no one knew what it meant.

I never revealed my desperate plan. I went into the forest by my house. A final walk. I found a perfect spot nestled in the busom of the trees. I sat there for hours, clutching the ample bottle of pills. 

I yearned for the final sleep, which would come gently....... soon the wild, free spirit of a white wolf would roam forever freely in the peaceful place I loved.

It was as simple as that.

I didn't go through my plan. It was night when I got home.

The 1st of June

I had lost so much blood that I started having mild heart attacks. I could no longer walk. I stumbled to the front porch, called 911, and passed out on the porch.

A long journey....the doctors at Centennial in Nashville told me there was no hope. I was sent back to Cookeville, where I had seven weeks of chemo and radiation.

A guardian angel had mercy.

That's the past. What about now?

Medically, I'm having more problems. I don't want to exhaust myself (or you) with tedious details. After six long weeks, I finally have an appointment with my oncologist in Cookeville (July 14th). Good news.....but I'm apprehensive.

I wish it could have been sooner.

I wish this post wasn't so gloomy. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. My sense of humor has vanished.

Jon ❤️ valiently...hanging.....on

I'll try to post more often, if I still have an Internet connection. Thanks for being there. I know you are.

LOST

 Easy to decipher. My heart is lost, my soul is lost, my fragile shreds of optimism were lost long ago.

I desperately try to remember the self that I was long ago. I try to conceal an indefatigable depression that gnaws away at everything my sustaining foundation had.

I've been ensconced too long in this lifeless physical therapy facility, which is now a prison. Too many idle days, too many meds, an abyss of inactivity.

My biggest fear is that of losing my mental capacities......and never seeing my forest home again. I'm desperately trying to maintain my mental and physical capabilities.

The phantom doctor appointment supposedly on August 12th, Tuesday? I'm still getting infuriating mixed messages. But I will persist. I plod on. Somehow.

I confirm my feeble existence in strange ways.

Tonight I've chosen two of my old videos. Few people like my videos. Very few understand them.

I'll share explanations. Secrets from my soul.

"Fallen Angels" and "Heart of the Lost"

Fallen Angels represents a deeply scar-ridden excavation of my long-ago past. Young, oblivious to danger, purposefully self-destructive.  I've confessed this many times before......

......but there are more things, much darker than that which I chose to reveal. In the midnight underworld of unspeakable L.A. and Hollywood, I kept company with the lost phantoms of Hades - -  I was a silent witness to scenes you wouldn't dare to imagine.

Pimps and dealers, and the battered hookers whom they owned, girls so highly addicted that they couldn't remember their own names......or the unspeakable acts they performed with strangers for another "fix".....

.....and the male hustlers, much more prevalent than the females - - desperately haunting every midnight street and alley. I vividly remember the boy I called Midnight Blue. Hustling every night in downtown L.A. Hardly fourteen. So physically beautiful that I wrote a poem about him....published in my book.

"His eyes are electric - - they will execute you."

There were criminals that I knew with darker secrets. Cold blooded murder.

The silence often screams.

Where are these fallen angels now? Lost souls long ago. My video was made in remembrance of them.

The music I used is "Dark Spanish Symphony" by Angelo Badalamenti (1937 - 2022).

"Heart of the Lost"

That's the title of my video and the Celtic music by Ean Grimm.

No one understood this video when I posted it on YouTube in the spring of 2021. It was an extremely personal statement. 

I was very sick with cancer and congestive heart failure. This was before I sought medical help. I decided that I would purposely end the agony. 

My plan was to go into my beloved forest, and savor the blessed solace that nature provided. I would bid farewell where my spirit wanted to be.

My soul was finally released in the form of a white wolf......

.......forever free.

Jon 💜 with love, free forever

many thanks for reading this, viewing the videos, and trying to understand

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