Wednesday, November 22, 2017


Get a place in the wilderness, Jon. It'll be fun! You'll have a simple and carefree life.

If it wasn't so physically hard to do, I'd be kicking my own ass for suggesting that to myself.  
After three long years existing in the wilderness my life is filled with more problems and complications than a '58 Edsel Corsair, and my nerves are more shredded than the lettuce on a Taco Bell veggie salad.

I couldn't sleep all night from the scratching and scraping of the wild animals trying to nest in my roof and walls. Don't be fooled by all those cutsie wildlife documentaries on PBS and the Disney Bambi crap that we were spoon-fed as kids.
If I had a submachine gun I would have used it gleefully and without regrets.

Did you ever try to sleep on a bad mattress with a bad back and two big cats? Bosco must weigh 50 lbs. and he was dead weight on my legs like a sack of scrap metal.

When I crawled out of bed at the grim and cold crack of dawn, it took me ten minutes to get on my feet and I looked like an accordion on stilts.

Yup, I chose today (Tuesday) to drive into town - despite a warning from my cousin that there was "road work" being done.

Actually, I was fortunate to even find the road - since the weeds and "brush" on my property are now 20 feet high thanks to recent rain.
I won't mention the mud.

Driving to town wouldn't have been too bad, if a pickup truck didn't appear in front of me (seemingly out of nowhere). It was going less than 15 m.p.h.
Picture that on a narrow, winding, no passing mountain road.

Thanks to that SloMo snail, it took three times longer to get to town than usual.
I was biting my fingernails to a bloody pulp.

But luck was with me -
No road repair work was being done!

.....until I got to town.

I thought my cousin meant the mountain road was being repaired.
Instead, I discovered that she meant the roads in town were being repaired.

Every major road in the entire damn place was under "reconstruction", making it less than impossible to get anywhere.

I had to stop at the courthouse, which was located in the very midst of the road construction ( a harrowing maneuver, to say the least). My reason for going there is far too long and tedious to rely here - let's just say it had to do with the registration of some property.

 Here's the courthouse and that's exactly where I parked (I didn't take this photo - I got it from the Internet).

The lady in the clerk's office was so busy, rude, and confused that I finally left in abject frustration (to say the least) without getting anything resolved or done.

Onward to Walmart, where the holiday shoppers were out en mass.
Did I ever mention that I think all holidays should be permanently banned - and those who try to participate in them should be subjected to waterboarding torture?

I desperately needed a BIG bag of Purina Cat Chow Complete, which is the favored cuisine of my three cats. Naturally they were all out of it. So I had to settle for the small (very small) bag - and a big bag of Friskies.

I had to buy a phone card for my cell phone. The  swishy male clerk in the phone department was wearing two gigantic earrings, at least six finger rings - and he was extremely friendly.

Hey, I'm not trying to suggest anything. It's merely an innocent observation. And it's very strange for rural Tennessee. 
I haven't seen a dude look like that since I was in West Hollywood.

I bought two pumpkin pies that were on the "mark down" rack (one of my favorite Walmart haunts). More about the pies later.

The long drive home was beyond the realms of a hellish nightmare:
a huge truck hauling a load of cut lumber was going about 5 m.p.h. There were fourteen cars behind him. I was the fifteenth car.

It was like a funeral procession, only slower. I eventually started gnawing my toenails and saying profanities that would have made Satan blush.

Okay - 
what about the phone card in the freezer??

When I finally got home, I wrapped one of the pumpkin pies in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer.

Eventually I noticed that the phone card I bought was missing. I frantically searched everywhere and finally figured that I must have dropped it somewhere (like in the Walmart parking lot).

Imagine my surprise when I happened to check the pumpkin pie in the freezer. My phone card was in the bag with the pie - frozen solid!

I won't apologize for this post being long, because I condensed it. It would have been a lot longer if I told everything that happened.

Just a typical day in the life of Jon.



  1. I guess others will be making better jokes than I could about "cold calling" :-/ Guess it's as well that you didn't accidentally microwave the card when you heated the pie. I hope the cats didn't take it out on you about the food (I bet they didn't, they sound far too nice).

    1. I never considered the possibility of microwaving the phone card, but you're right - it could very well have happened. My cats are easy-going and very seldom complain. Fortunately, they keep their thoughts to themselves.....

  2. LOL! Glad you found the card so soon. Could have taken me a long time because I might have forgotten about the pie--ROFL! Happy Thanksgiving, Jon! :)

    1. I FINALLY remembered that I had put the phone card in one of the shopping bags - but I checked all of them and the card wasn't there. It took awhile before I said "Holy crap! I might have put it in with the pies!!" Anyway, I'm glad I found it.
      Have a great Thanksgiving, Rita!

  3. I am laughing sooo...hard! I also live in a rustic area (North Georgia Mountains) so I can relate to rural living. I was surprised to read about the rude lady at the courthouse. I don't think that behavior is allowed in my tiny town.
    I do miss your political observations since they are in agreement with mine. It has been a year so people just need to get over themselves.
    Happy Thanksgiving Jon and enjoy those pies!

    1. I'm always delighted when I manage to make people laugh (sometimes I even make myself laugh - which isn't easy).

      I'm also delighted (very much) when I find someone who agrees with my political views. I think 95 per cent of the people who read my blog are liberals. Some of them politely tolerate my views - but (unfortunately) a LOT of them are vicious and went into full Attack Mode. People who I THOUGHT were my friends left in a furious huff.

      All I can say is everybody is lucky that I don't say what I REALLY think about politics. I try to be polite (which isn't easy...)

      Thanks for your input and Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. I'm sorry you had a rough day, Jon. But dang, you're entertaining! I know all about trying to sleep on a bad mattress, but an accordion on stilts? Woo-hoo.

    BTW, I ordered my BF's teapot from Catnip Cabaret this afternoon. I hope it arrives as quickly and well-wrapped as the memory box.

    1. No matter how many bad things happen to me, I always try to describe them with my brand of humor. Humor is about all that I have left....

      Yup, when I crawled out of bed I felt exactly like an old accordion - but I'm tall, so I figured I must be on stilts.

      I really like those teapots, they're cute. I'm thinking about putting the mugs, plates (and perhaps teapots) into one collection so they'll be easier to find. Hopefully I'll do it before the end of this month (I'm VERY slow - I didn't finish my Autumn Collection until Halloween, and by then it was too late).

  5. Now be honest Jon, don't you sometime wish you were back in the great state of Texas?

    1. I swear, Paula, there are times when I miss some things about Texas - like the good highways, the flat terrain, the good food, and the fact that I could buy wine in Walmart!!...and the low humidity!!
      Have a great Thanksgiving!

  6. i know what it's like to have a kitty cat sleep on the bed and refuse to budge. it can be frustrating for sure. they are definitely dead weight. or as you aptly put it like scrap metal. glad the phone card showed up, chilly as it was, it was still useable.

    1. Two cats in a small bed can make sleeping extremely uncomfortable, but I would never kick them out - especially now that the weather is cold. Thank goodness my cat Scratch doesn't sleep with me, too. She prefers her own bed.

      Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

  7. Jon,
    A fabulous blog post! I love these "slice of life" (in the mountains no less) posts. We all have these daily life frustrations. I love reading about them. God knows I have enough of them myself, most of which I don't write about because I don't want to relive those nightmares. I know those twisty mountain roads from the few times Bill and I visited them, checking out the hillbilly roots of my father. At one time I actually thought I would like to live in those mountains but I'm glad I don't. Those roads and caught behind traffic would drive me crazy. that happened to us for a few times, once in the driving rain when I thought we would roll off the road into the wooded valley below. About misplacing things, I was in a panic yesterday because I was missing one of my "Game of Thrones" discs. I was prepared to go out and buy one (I get my disc through Netflix). Bill found it, he accidentally threw it out with the newspaper advertisements. Thank goodness! I told him that I would sort the mail. He did this once before by accidentally tossing out a hospital bill! Two old guy in this house, these things are bound to happen. By the way, have you seen any of the "Game of Thrones" episodes? If you haven't, you should. It's very addictive. Also very good, from the acting, casting, cinema photography and story. You would like it.

  8. I'm delighted that you liked the post, Ron. Sometimes I think that I tell too much, but my natural tendency is to blab on forever. It's an entertaining way to vent my frustrations.

    There are always so many unpleasant things going on that my normally muddled mind gets even more confused....especially when I have to drive to town. It take days for me to recover. By the way - I have occasionally thrown important things into the trash, too. Bill isn't the only one.

    I haven't seen "Game of Thrones" but I will check it out. I hope your Thanksgiving has been a good one - - - and a quiet one (without screaming kids!).

  9. Meanwhile, I hope you having a good thanksgiving and enjoying several slices of said pies.

    1. I just had a piece of pie with coffee. It was delicious! (I didn't eat the phone card).

  10. Jon, I read your blog aloud to Norma while she pottered in the kitchen and she said, "Well, Jon sounds like a very nice man." I told her that was my opinion too after several years of internet consociation. She accuses me of always being right, and of course she is never wrong.

    1. I haven't been called "nice" since my senior year in high school (during the Taft Administration)- but I can assure you that my bark is far worse than my bite. And survivors of my bite tend to heal quickly.

      I have no doubt whatsoever that you are always right, Geo, because I learn a lot from reading your informative (not to mention witty and interesting) blog. I also strongly believe that Norma is always right - - and two rights never make a wrong.

  11. The rant is completely fine, my friend. That's why you have this blogging platform. :) Btw, love love love your cats, especially the black ones!

    - Fit Studs

  12. Thanks for visiting my blog- I appreciate your input. Living with three cats can be exasperating at times, but they're all adorable. Bosco (the big black one) is a real character.

  13. Thanks for all the smiles. Everybody has to put up with crappy days every once in a while. What separates the cream from the whiny riff-raff is the ability to make light of it. You have a real knack for telling your stories in a way that makes me smile... or laugh out loud.

    Yes, I know all about sleeping with kitties. And how we go out of our way not to disturb THEM... as though they're doing us a favor by letting us share "their" bed. Dash (the calico) likes to scoot under the covers with me on cool nights, but she never stays there for long. Then she POPS out... for a little while. Than... BACK under. It's like trying to sleep with a jack in the box. Dot, on the other hand, plasters herself to my side and doesn't budge all night. At least we have a good mattress, though. You should treat yourself to one.

    1. I'm always happy to provide smiles, Susan. Actually, I've never considered myself to be a funny person (STRANGE - yes, but not funny). I simply write exactly how I think....

      I have a twin-size bed, which makes sleeping with two cats difficult (I'm glad my third cat doesn't sleep with us). I should probably get a king-size bed - - but the cats would still crowd around me, annoyingly close.
      Bosco loves to sleep under the covers. Scruffy never likes to be covered, but I always cover her on really cold nights after she falls asleep.


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