PERFECT DAY, MORE SEX, AND CAT NIPPLES

My back yard this afternoon

"Why, it's such a perfect day that it must have been specially ordered from God's Personal Catalog!"

Imagine that being said by me in a Southern accent borrowed from any one of Tennessee William's plays. I'm in a divine hillbillyesque mood today.
I just made that word up.


The weather for the past few days has been absolutely perfect. Perhaps even beyond perfect. The weekend was invigoratingly cool. I had to trade my usual T shirt for a long sleeve flannel shirt. Last night I needed an extra blanket. It was 40 degrees but felt cooler.

I am in the throes of Pre-Autumn Ecstatic Anticipatory Bliss Syndrom. That's a politically correct term for "I can't wait until autumn".
Don't ponder that for too long. You might hurt yourself.

My previous blog post got over 100 views yesterday, which is  beyond belief. I usually get three and a half views, if I'm lucky.
Since my previous post was crappier than a herd of elephants with dysentery, I can't figure it out.

If there is a lesson learned, it's probably that I should continue posting worthless photos and writing about mundane mindless stuff. People can strongly identify with mundane mindless stuff.  
And sex. Whether they admit it or not, people like to read about sex.


I admittedly posted a horrible-looking photo of David Sterry (in my previous post) so that I would look good in comparison. But I still think if we were both in competition for earning the most cash as a male prostitute I would win. No contest.

I've always wondered why the unnecessary prefix "MALE" is used when referring to male prostitutes. I think it's a politically correct invention.

David Sterry (former male prostitute) is on the left

That's the best photo of Sterry that I could find, and it's still unimpressive........

Did you notice that my photo has been filtered and retouched, in order to make me look as cute and angelic as possible? And it was taken 150 yrs. ago. At least.


Just to set the record straight - I was never a male prostitute. Or a female one, for that matter. 

Was I promiscuous?
Let's just say that I've been around the block more times than a '57 Chevy.

Despite being loose and easy, I never had an inflated ego. In fact when I was young and hot I actually thought I was ugly. I'm 6'1", blond, blue eyed - - and I was jealous of guys who were 5'3", had bad teeth, wore lifts in their shoes, and stuffed socks in their crotches. Go figure.

My profound insecurities have diminished slightly in my old age.  That's why I'm eager to write my memoir and reveal my Hollywood sexual conquests. Sterry's disgustingly egotistical, unrelentingly brash memoir has inspired me (*smile*).


Change of subject.
And not a moment too soon.

I hear gunfire outside in the forest as I'm writing this (been hearing it for the past few days). Some of it is unnervingly close by. It's undoubtedly hunters. Or somebody who doesn't like my blog.

 Scruffy

trying to look innocent and sweet 

Scruffy (my feisty cat) got loose again this morning and ran into the forest. I had to wade through shoulder-high weeds to retrieve her and bring her inside. 


Why not let her stay outdoors and have some fun, Jon?

Because there are ticks and fleas and cooties and jitterbugs outside. I don't want Scruffy to infest the house (and the other cats) with them.

TRIVIA:
Did you know that the 1939 movie The Wizard of Oz initially had a song in it called The Jitterbug? It is absolutely awful and was mercifully deleted (you can find it on YouTube).

 Bosco!

Bosco slept on my legs last night and stopped the circulation. After I crawled out of bed this morning I was shuffling and limping like a bad imitation of Quasimodo.

That cat was so frail and tiny when he was a kitten that I thought he'd never survive. Now he's so damn big and heavy that he could be used as an anchor on the Lusitania. It was the only analogy I could come up with.

CAT TRIVIA:
Did you know that male cats have nipples? It's astonishingly true. I never knew this fact until the other night.

Bosco was on my desk while I was working at the computer. He rolled over to have his tummy scratched and I suddenly saw two long rows of nipples. Holy shit! It freaked me out.

I had Bosco neutered nearly a year ago. Did that nasty and unnatural procedure unwittingly inspired nipples to grow??

I did the only thing I could. I quickly Googled male cat nipples. Sure enough, I learned that male cats have them. I breathed a big sigh of relief. 

Okay, Jon. Your female readers are blushing, and your three blog "Followers" have abandoned you. Find something else to write about.

Well, my ten-year-old cat Scratch is doing fine. She still secretly resents the intrusion of Scruffy and Bosco, but she plays with them now and then.

Scratch

taking a siesta 

Fact:

Bosco just sat on my computer keyboard and somehow managed to turn on the Airplane Mode with his ample ass. I didn't know exactly what happened but it took me ten minutes to get reconnected to the Internet.

I'm thinking of hiring a Feline Hit Man to take care of the cats. 

.....make it look like accident.....maybe an electrocution....?

Anyone remember the scene where the cat was electrocuted in the film The Postman Always Rings Twice.......??