ROYAL WEDDING BELLS

They're so much in love!!!

I swear to gawd, if I hear one more of you say that - I'm going to find out where you live, go to your house, and personally puke on your Harry and Meghan t shirt.

I've been around long enough to know that the term "true love" is a sham - and most often a saccharine synonym for lust, financial security, or desperation. 

The wedding of the century?
That has about as much meaning as "the trial of the century". There's a new one every week. Almost.

Jon, we thought you were a staunch sentimentalist. Where's your sense of romanticism?

On a back shelf - behind my sense of raw reality.

Okay, I'll admit it. I got up at 5:00 a.m.
last Saturday to watch the Royal wedding on YouTube live stream. It was a lovely charade...and the camera angles were superb.....but...

I was mostly waiting for the part where the preacher says "If anybody knows why this marriage shouldn't take place, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The possibilities were absolutely endless, but nobody had the guts to speak.

Let's face the brutal facts: 
Meghan's eyes weren't sparkling with true love. They were glowing with the animalistic ambition of Evita and Leona Helmsley. And the supreme satisfaction of winning the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.

I was never a fan of Prince Harry - and I don't think he's quite as devastatingly handsome as rumor hazzit. But if the guy asked me to marry him.....(hahahaha).....
you damn well better believe I'd be wearing a white gown, holding a bouquet of begonias, and waiting at the church door before the words cooled from his lips.

Speaking of wedding gowns - did you get a load of the tacky gear Megan was wearing? It looked like she was wrapped in the sails of the Flying Dutchman. The train on that thing was longer than Bishop Michael Curry's sermon.
Her ass was in Windsor, but the tail of the train was in London.

 

And what was the purpose of wearing virginal white?? That woman hasn't been a virgin since Harry was in diapers.
Sorry - I couldn't resist.

The only person I know with a more sordid Hollywood history than Meghan is me (who else?).


But, Jon, you have to admit it - isn't Meghan ravishingly beautiful?

Hey, Kemosahbee, if I had extensive plastic surgery, I'd be beautiful, too.

Meghan - before and after surgery

(no, I'm not kidding)

There were an enormous amount of camera closeups at the wedding and the blushing bride's cosmetic "work" was obvious. 

The only thing under cover were the tit implants....but you can check them out in her numerous nude photos.

She'll have to replace the tits when she hits 50 - - which isn't too far away.

 So, Jon - was there anything about the wedding that you liked? 

Yea. I really liked it when Bishop Michael Curry FINALLY ended his fifteen minute theatrical, rambling, and intensely embarrassing speech about love. It took the term "cringe-worthy" to new levels.

Nice try, Mikey - but in my humble and biased opinion, a British royal wedding isn't the place to quote Martin Luther King....or infiltrate quips about slavery, hunger, and fire (yes, FIRE!!!).

Kate and Camilla were only two of many who were exchanging astonished glances and smirks.

 All in all it was a lovely wedding - - if you survived all those excruciatingly endless musical interludes (hey, I'm a musician and I love music, but there are limits...).

And I kept wondering - after that agonizingly long ceremony- if anyone in the audience desperately had to pee.


Note: I wrote this very quickly and didn't see the typos until now. I THINK they are all corrected.