My adventure in the mud on Tuesday was like a ride at Disneyland compared to what I went through on Wednesday.
Due to weeks (months?) of rotten weather I've been postponing my (dreaded) drive to town. The fact that I was completely out of supplies forced me to finally go yesterday (Wednesday). I had no choice. My only alternative was to stay here and perish with the cats......
......who would live longer than me because they'd eat my carcass after I croaked from starvation.
After enduring more rain than Noah ever imagined, there was (finally!) a miraculous break in the clouds early Wednesday morning. Seizing the unbelievably rare moment, I hurriedly dressed and stumbled out to the car - fervently praying that I could somehow get to town before the next deluge.
Just as I turned the ignition key (in the car), God must have woken up and noticed my good fortune. The heavens unleashed a torrent of rain.
Desperate, defiant, and completely against my better judgement, I ignored the deluge and headed for the narrow, winding mountain road which began the endlessly agonizing trek to town.
The rain was so heavy that my windshield wipers were useless, the windows kept steaming up, and my contact lenses were foggy.
By the time I got to town my legs had turned into two strands of linguini and crowbars were required to pry my hands from the steering wheel.
Let's skip the joys of shopping in Walmart and take you on the journey home.
The rain was still relentless as I left town and began the trek home. My astonishment knew no bounds when a thick mountain fog appeared out of nowhere.
Tennessee is the only place where I've ever seen heavy fog and torrential rain at the same time.
It's also the only place where I've sweated blood and shit in my pants while driving in it.
I'll never know how I (FINALLY) made it home, but my Hallelujahs were rudely interrupted when - halfway up the hill - I got stuck in the mud. Again. Just like I did the day before. Only worse.
It was still pouring rain. The car wouldn't budge. The very thought of trying to haul $200 worth of supplies up the hill to the house was beyond the realm of possibilities.
I do my best to look tough, but in reality I'm a delicate pansy with health issues that would rival those of Camille.
Crippled back, bad knee, tricky hip - - not to mention heart palpitations that are more irregular than a pair of underwear purchased at the Dollar Store.
Sorry - my pathetic attempts to be witty are presently in Desperation Mode.
I staggered up to the house (through mud and ten-foot weeds) and changed my clothes. Then I dragged eight large pieces of cardboard from the garage to the car.
Placed them under the front and back of the tires for a semblance of traction.
Inch by inch - - and I mean inch by agonizing inch - - I managed to coax the obstinate car up the hill .
I started around noon and didn't successfully complete the task until 3:30 p.m. No lie.
The car kept rolling back into the mud. The tires slipped and screeched. I had to crawl out of the car every three minutes to readjust the muddy, sopping wet cardboard. I had to stop and rest frequently. My heart was pounding like a lovesick bunny. I felt like I was having a heart attack.
It was nearly dark when the car was safely ensconced near the garage and I started dragging groceries into the house. The perishables were getting soggy.
Your post is getting too damn long, Jon, and your readers are getting extremely restless.
Lighten up, Kemosabe. This is free, breathtaking entertainment that they couldn't find on any other blog.
Should I mention that an hour after I got the perishables into the refrigerator and freezer, there was a violent storm and another power outage?
The power wasn't restored until around 4:00 in the morning (Thursday).
I'm so goddamed exhausted that I don't think my power will ever be restored again.
My usual humor is sorely lacking in this post. I'm definitely not in a funny mood.....
Thank God you had that much cardboard! I've only been stuck in snow. What a nightmare. And what's with all the power outages?
ReplyDeleteI've never been stuck in snow, but the mud is really becoming a big problem here. Every time it rains (which is almost constantly) I get stuck in the mud. The power outages are annoying, but fortunately they are (usually) fixed quickly.
DeleteSoon as you get an offer....SELL, SELL it all!!!!!!!
ReplyDeletePsssst....wanna buy some mountain property in Tennessee?
DeleteThe Dollar store Underwear is DEAD ON! ( Ok, My wife bought me socks... that did not match! each pair has a different sized mate!) I love hearing other people's pain and suffering. it encourages me that I am not alone. And how can you face life's "little" adventures without a lot of humor.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you could identify with my Dollar Store analogy. I bought a blanket at the Dollar Store about a year ago. It was such a strange, irregular shape that it hardly fit on the bed.
DeleteI don't want to sound mean, but you are still funny. Your last name isn't Murphy is it? Because you DO appear to be a victim of Murphy's Law. Still, I'm glad you're finally home and have groceries, hopefully unspoiled. By the time you read this, I hope you've had some time to rest and enjoy kitty time.
ReplyDeleteWell, it's reassuring to know that I have a smidgen of humor left. My Big Dream of having peace and contentment in a rural area has backfired Big Time. At least I finally have supplies - - and time to recuperate from my latest adventures.
DeleteBoy I really hate to say this Jon, but when it rains...well you get my drift. After reading an earlier post about your previous attempt to get out for supplies and being caught in the mud, I thought that was a bad day. But here you have shown that there was another one even worse! How is it possible that your luck is all bad, my blogger friend. Seriously, I was not sure things could get worse, but then they did with the power outage and sure hope the perishables managed to survive. Sure wish better luck could be sent from here.
ReplyDeleteI always dreamed of living in a rural area where I could have peace and contentment. All I can say is be careful what you wish for.... If I ever wrote about all my problems here, no one would believe it.
DeleteThe mud is a fairly new obstacle. I lived here over five years and never had problems with getting stuck in mud until recently.
Despite the long wait in the car AND the power outage, all the perishables survived.
oh my goodness. what a trek that turned out to be. i've been stuck in the mud and i wouldn't wish that on anybody. it is one big pain in the a$$ to be sure. and then adding insult to injury finally getting everything inside only to lose power. you poor thing. you should spend the day resting your tortured body. treat yourself to something you have on hand that you like. i'm sending this Happy Valentine with hugs and love. take care Jon. i hope you find some peace of mind today.
ReplyDeleteI never had trouble with mud here until fairly recently. I think it started last year. The enormous amount of rain has been making everything a mess. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to go outside. I definitely won't use the car again until a dry day - - if we ever get one.
DeleteThanks for the Valentine hugs and love. I need them...
I am almost at your stage of giving up, Jon. Workmen, mess, etc inside the whole house. I have to have a new boiler which isn't an easy job. I can't go into any room without feeling guilty. Even so, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes and have your problems. If it's any consolation, we're all thinking about you and praying for peace and quiet.
ReplyDeleteValerie, it sounds like you're having nearly as many problems as me....but at least you aren't stuck in the mud. Some workmen have a way of making you feel guilty when they're around. It's happened to me, too. I hope things will finally calm down and you can have some peace!
DeleteI am not sure if this comment is my first or second. I started to write and then the cleaners came and I had to leave the room. It's a case of did I or didn't I!!
ReplyDeleteOf all the rotten luck you sure have your share. I keep trying to think of ways that would help you at times like those you're living through but I guess if I can't help myself I'd be no good at helping others. Cheer up, my friend.
Well, I sure hope the cleaners and workmen are finally gone, so you can get back to normal. Take care.....and big hugs for Charlie.
DeleteOh man, I can sure identify with the feeling crowbars were needed to extricate my hands from the steering wheel. Driving home from UAB I don't know which was worse -- the angry rain (and fog) or my new (POS) eyeglasses. THEN, just when I think your circumstances can't get any more horrifying, this share. Seriously, it sounds like travel via burro would be safer. Or, bite the bullet and find a good used 4x4 Jeep?
ReplyDeleteDriving in the rain was bad enough, but the fog REALLY unnerved me - especially on these horrifying mountain roads.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear about your crappy eyeglasses. Several years ago an eye doctor talked me into bifocals and it was a nightmare. I couldn't see a thing - especially when I was driving. Never again!
I definitely need a jeep or a pickup truck. This ain't no place for a Toyota...
I've driven in blizzards where I could hardly pry my hands off the steering wheel or stand upright on my noodle legs. It's horrible. You have such mud issues--OMG! If you ever do sell and move you will have no cardboard boxes left in the garage to pack with! I hope you stockpiled on supplies!!
ReplyDeleteI was wondering how I could get rid of all that cardboard - - being stuck in the mud has really helped. I've never driven in a blizzard (thank God) and I avoid ice at all costs. But all this MUD on my property is extremely exasperating. I'm afraid to use the car when it rains and plan to go out only on dry days......which is a joke, because dry days are so RARE in TN.
ReplyDelete