The last few days of April. Finally finally some sunshine and mild temperatures (but it was very chilly last night). The house is always cold - like the catacombs of death.
Been teetering on the deep edge lately, hanging on by a thin thread. My frustration, anger, disgust, and profound depression have nothing to do with blogging or bloggers,
I'm hopelessly immersed in my own personal problems, which seem to multiply and intensify every day. Overwhelming problems having to do with existing in this ruthless wilderness, and even more overwhelming issues with my health.
Every night I pray that I'll never wake up and have to face another day. Yet, if anything ever happened to me way out here in Nowhereland, nobody would ever find me. And I'm beginning to think no one would care.
I've been such an uncommunicative hermit for so long that my friends and relatives (and I mean ALL relatives) have distanced themselves from me.
I finally sent my relatives an email greeting on Easter. Only one person bothered to answer (thank you "M" - you know who you are).
Am I pitying myself? Hell, no. Just stating facts. Am I looking for sympathy? Hell, no again. Never got any in my entire life. Don't need it now.
If I can get a grip on my multitudinous health issues, I'll survive.
One of the latest maladies:
due to several old spinal injuries that never healed properly, I'm having more and more difficulty standing and walking.
At night, in bed, my legs often go completely numb and I can't move at all. Then, very suddenly, I'll get excruciating spasms in my knees and hips that are so intensely painful that I actually scream in pain - and somehow manage to pull myself off the bed and onto the floor.
I won't dare tell about the other physical problems I have.
Doctors??
Some people gleefully visit doctors as a career ( I'm not talking about those with serious medical conditions). It's not easy when they're (drs.) hundreds of miles away. I don't want surgery. Don't want to be hooked on pills or medication.
It isn't my intention for this post to be so dark and dismal, I'm merely giving a glimpse of my situation.
I won't mention the influx of mice, the squirrels in the roof, the 'possums under the house, the alarmingly aggressive wasps - the problems with the water heater and drain - the mud outside up to my ass, the weeds and brush taller than me (no lie)...or the perilous, harrowing, endless drive to town when I need a frickin' gallon of milk......or the trash piling up because it won't fit in my car to haul to town....
I'm on a reckless rant. Stop me before I hurt somebody. Or myself.
On the bright side -
(bright side?? hahahahaha)
I'm making good progress in the house - cleaning, repairing, doing things that I should have done long ago. The rooms are looking decent.
The garage is the biggest nightmare. Just thinking of it scares me.
I decided that I'm definitely getting a new computer. My old laptop is fine - but showing subtle signs of age (much like myself).
I also want to get a new electric keyboard (musical instrument). My old one disappeared (lost?stolen?) when I moved to Tennessee.
This post is too long. Said too much. Bored everyone with my problems.
It was a purge. An emotional outlet.
Photos taken today:
Kitzee (also known as Scratch), being watched by a ceramic cat that I got somewhere in Texas. The colorful wooden box is from Europe.
Kudos for blogging on an "off" day. I find that airing my dirty laundry to total strangers ( with a humorous nod, of course) helps me deal with life's cruel jokes. My mother was one of those "career doctor Visitors" you spoke about. IT has driven me to NEVER see doctors... even with the pain of age that has been hitting me lately. Hopefully, I can avoid them until the day I die... and hopefully, that will not be for a long time. Not because I want a long life! No! Because I want to prove to Mom AND the medical fields that we don't need them. AND you can have a long life without pills, O2 machines, and unnecessary surgery.
ReplyDeleteNowadays doctors are intent on plying their patients with pills and medications - and giving endless costly tests. I think the pills do FAR more harm than good. My parents avoided doctor visits and I feel the same way.
DeleteI know so many people who run to their weekly doctor appointments with a religious intensity. It's insane.
I think my computer somehow sent the other part of my comment with my hands not even touching the keyboard. Maybe the comment just disappeared. So I guess I had said enough. I didn't get a chance to proofread or edit my own comment.
DeleteI checked all the incoming comments (it was easy to do since I get so few). Unfortunately there was nothing else from you. I'm thinking that the pesky Blog Gremlins had something to do with it.
DeleteI always have mistakes in my comments, even when I proofread them.
I grew up in the "boonies" and it can be QUITE brutal at times! I think I would go crazy without having one or two cats/fur babies to give my house life. Kitzee is so cute. BTW, how did Bosco get his name? Just curious.
ReplyDeleteI innocently thought my troubles would be over when I moved to the boonies. Instead, they only just begun.
DeleteI initially named my black cat Rosco. Then I decided that Bosco was more cute and appropriate. I didn't purposefully name him after the chocolate drink.
I have the tracking number that you sent. It should arrive sometime this week (mail delivery is extremely SLOW in this area). I'll definitely let you know.
It's just as well the other comment was edited by my glitchy computer, I sounded like a whiner in it. I'm not going to revisit all of that, but I wanted to tell you how pretty I think that first picture was. The light bright green of the woods in spring, and the light mistiness near the top of the picture. I could almost smell the scent of the woods in spring. I enjoyed the other pictures, too.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I'm a chronic whiner and often regret the things I say. Random thoughts that spill out onto public blogs can be a dangerous thing.
DeleteDespite all the problems I have living in a rural area, I always manage to take some lovely photos. And I don't even have to leave my porch to do it.
Purge or not, it's GOOD to 'see' you. Everybody's gotta purge now and then. You don't want that stuff festering inside, do you? I was going to ask that you re-consider seeing a doctor ... you know, just to rule out the bad stuff. Then yesterday ... not one, but TWO medical-related absurdities had me corkscrewing myself into the ceiling. So ya, I understand.
ReplyDeleteGarbage? Do residents up there have burn barrels? That was a new concept for me when we first moved here, but Tom's already on our 2nd one in 3 years. We use it just for three limbs, leaves, cardboard, etc. ... but I don't see why you couldn't burn your garbage. I mean, who's going to complain?
PS - I had a comment (on another blog) mysteriously disappear, too. Definitely, blog gremlins.
It is very beneficial to purge - even though I often say too much (and yet don;t feel that I've said enough). I'm presently going through very difficult times. In my isolation, I feel that I need to keep my "voice" alive - - even if it means looking foolish on a blog.
DeleteYes, some people burn their trash out here. You need to have a burn permit. I'll have to find out more about it. It would be better than always having to haul everything into town.
It is good to rant, to let those feelings and thoughts perish like the wind. And it takes courage to hang on even when it seems hopeless. I would have run away and not looked back years ago.
ReplyDeleteDo you ever think about moving elsewhere? Perhaps to a place that is still picture perfect but a little more accessible and a little less unforgiving?
Not being able to stand or walk seems more than just disturbing. I would be petrified. Perhaps there are holistic remedies for old spinal injuries?
Writing has always been a great catharsis for me. I used to keep all my thoughts in handwritten journals, but ALL my journals and diaries were "lost" when I moved to TN.
Delete"more accessible and less unforgiving" - - I like that.
Unfortunately, I've moved so many times in my life that I think another move would kill me. It's all so much trauma and trouble. And expense. I'll try to stick it out here - at least for awhile...
I would need spinal surgery, but there's no way in hell I'm going to do it. As long as I can still navigate.
I have faith in holistic remedies, but I doubt if there are any that would help mt spine.
Cheryl suggested Lion's Mane Mushrooms for a possible nerve damage repair. Technically, they are for your brain. ( reverse memory loss, fix neurons, stuff like that...) But The spine is attached to the brain, right? A little every day helps keep the surgeon away.( Maybe) No side effects, just tasty mushroom that tastes like lobster. OR... get the powdered stuff and put it in your coffee. I use it for a refreshing placebo.
DeleteOr you could do "yoga." That helps me with my back and stiff neck from cycling. But everyone does yoga.... Don't want to join a cult or anything, right?