MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE IGLOO........

When we last visited Jon, the newly initiated Tennessee mountain man, he was wallowing in abject misery - - being held hostage in his shack - - oops, we mean mountain retreat - -by a series of endless blizzards, being in agonizing pain due to a stupid -- oops, we mean unfortunate - - - - nasty fall on the ice, and being completely without water due to a busted bursted or broken pipe.

In a valiant attempt to temporarily expunge the harsh, grim reality of his dire situation, he wrote a scathing review - - oops, we mean lengthy assessment - - of the recent Academy Awards, followed by a self indulgent - - oops, we mean extremely interesting - - account of his early days in Hollywood.

If you haven't read it, you should. It will enhance your life with almost unbearable enchantment (previous post)

As we return to Jon and his miserable plight, he is still snowed in and experiencing new, previously unknown, levels of wretchedness:

Pine tree in my back yard

(photo taken this morning)

Well, if I survived that introduction, I can survive anything. No, I haven't lost my mind (or what's left of it). I'm just using cheap ploys in order to pique your interest. 

The good news is that I'm still alive (more or less). The bad news is that I'm still in an enormous amount of pain from my fall on the ice, I'm still snowed in with no way to get out, and I'm still without water due to a broken pipe (after an entire week).

I was surviving on a few cans of Pepsi and a case of beer. I eventually ran out of Pepsi (I still have most of the beer) and had to eat snow for moisture. I didn't have any liquids at all for three days.

The phone lines were down, all the roads were impassable, and the power was out everywhere. Fortunately, the power here in the mountains was restored much more quickly than the power in town (imagine that!).

With no water, I've been forced to use a makeshift outhouse in the woods. Last night I was compelled to go out there at 3:00 am and a roving band of coyotes came by and howled. Scared the shit out of me. No pun intended, of course.

About two days ago (or three - I can't remember) my cousin and some others were able to get out of their driveways. They brought plenty of water and other supplies and literally saved my sorry ass. Due to the snow and ice, the supplies literally had to be dragged by hand up to my house. I now have enough things in order to survive until the predicted thaw next week. And, believe me, I'm eternally greatful. My cousin is a saint.

Trying to get a plumber here to fix the pipes is an impossibility. One promised he'd come (a week ago) but never showed up. Another one never answers his phone. And the others ignore my messages. I'll eventually have to fix it myself, but I'm presently in too much pain to be crawling around under a house.

Despite the pain, however, I did manage to grab a shovel and knock a lot of the ice and snow off the roof today. And I fed the birds and the muskrat. The muskrat resides under my back porch. I didn't encourage this, but now that he's here I can't turn him out.

I'm keeping occupied by blogging (as if you didn't guess) and editing two books - which hopefully will be on Amazon soon. 

After I post this I'm going to make dinner and watch the silent 1921 version of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (it's on YouTube, with the great Carl Davis musical score).

It's late afternoon as I'm writing this. The sun has finally appeared. 

Do we dare assume that this is a ray of hope?
Tune in next time, for another exciting episode of
Jon - Tennessee Mountain Man.

My front porch this morning.

I'm in no mood to swing.

IN THE COMPANY OF PENGUINS

I had planned on posting some of my personal Hollywood stories this week in honor of the Academy Awards (like the time I single-handedly crashed the Oscars when I was eighteen).

Instead, I'm delivering boring updates about blizzards, disasters on ice, and raw survival in the Tennessee wilderness. Nobody wants to hear about pain and misery. Nobody wants to get too close to my foul mood. It could be contagious.

So, are you feeling any better today, Jon?

Let me put it this way:
It took me half an hour to crawl out of bed and another twenty minutes to inspire my legs to take steps. I looked like I was playing Clara in an amature production of Heidi.

I thought I was doing better, but I still ache all over and get agonizing jolts of pain in my back, spine, and legs every time I move - -which is quite often.

Is the weather improving?

Definitely. Instead of heavy snow, hurricane-force winds, and temps of minus 15, we're now blessed with light snow, occasional arctic gusts, and temps above zero.
I'd call it progress.

I still have broken pipes (well, not me, exactly) but no plumber in his right mind could venture out here without a sled, a team of huskies, and an Inuit guide. 

I have food, but I ran out of water yesterday. The only liquids I have left are two cans of Pepsi, a little ginger ale, and a case of beer.
And the tears I've been shedding at the prospect of perishing here.

I've been filling pans with snow and heating them for water. I've been mixing half milk and half snow to make coffee. It's not half bad.

Yesterday morning I was out gathering snow and almost slipped again. I did a reasonable facsimile of a Hamill Camel and managed to slide in the back door.

A glimpse of my front yard:

somewhere under the ice

is a way out

My driveway is solid ice, so there's no way I would attempt to venture into town. Well, actually, it's not a driveway. It's a long unpaved trail of gravel and mud that even scares the shit of me on sunny mild days.

Well Jon, you moved to Tennessee so you could experience new adventures in the wilderness.

Yea, right. But I had visions of Bambi, Old Yeller, and the von Trapp family singing Edelweiss. I wasn't expecting the Donner Party.

On the bright side - I looked with a magnifying glass and found one - the electric power here in the mountains was restored in one day. The power at my cousin's house (who lives much closer to town) wasn't restored until a few hours ago. Her cell phone is resuscitated and we spoke earlier today. But her driveway is blocked with fallen trees and ice.

One way or another, I'm going to be forced to drive into town soon. I'm running low on supplies and can't wait until the August thaw.
I also have to petition a plumber with a personal plea (or bribe) to come to my house and fix the pipes. I figure tears might work - - if I have any left by then.......


The title of this post is misleading, but it's all I could come up with. My creativity is frozen.......