Tuesday, September 1, 2015


Had a few beers and I'm in a talkative mood.

Why talk to yourself?

I'm alone here with three cats. I can either talk to them or me. I've chosen me because I'm a better listener.

Are you drunk?

Nope. I very seldom get drunk since I moved to Tennessee. In fact, I hardly ever drink.

That's because you're so content living in the blessed peacefulness of the beautiful mountain wilderness, isn't it?

Naw. It's because these damn Baptists make liquor difficult to get. I only found one store that sells beer. It's in town. And I'm scared shitless to make the 500 mile treacherous mountain drive into civilization.

500 miles? You're exaggerating, right?

Okay. Maybe it's 400.

So, anything new in your mountain existence?

After months of procrastination, I'm still trying to unpack, and still trying to fit a 4000 sq. ft. pile of stuff into a 1200 sq. ft. house.

Not an easy task to maneuver, is it?

Let's put it this way: Alexander the Great had an easier time making maneuvers at the battle of Gaugamela. 

Are you happy that summer is nearly over?

I haven't been happy since the mid-1960's, and even then it was only very brief.

How was your first Tennessee summer? 

Similar to the plagues of ancient Egypt. I battled gnats & locusts & bees & wasps & fruit flies & spiders & darkness during storms and power outages. Lately I've got frogs. Only thing that hasn't happened yet is water turning to blood, but it will. Give it time.

Did the heat bother you?

It's surprisingly cool here in the wilderness. Only about five really hot days. I don't even need air conditioning. I have three ceiling fans and a small turbo fan. Hardly ever use them.

Different than Texas and California, huh?

California was hot about 10 months a year. Texas was hot about 11. This mild Tennessee summer sent me into realms of pleasant shock that I never knew existed. Summer is very short here. Sneeze a few times and you'll miss it.

Are you looking forward to winter?

About as much as senility and death. Winters last about 10 or 11 months here.

You're exaggerating, right?

Well, maybe 8 or 9 months. I never fully recovered - or thawed out - from last winter. I initially thought Tennessee was a mild, southern-type place. I hadn't expected 60 foot snow drifts, penguins, and ice floes the size of Texas.  Global warming, my ass! 

It's now called Climate Change.

Thanks for the scientific update. Remember when scientists said the world was flat?

No, Jon. I'm not as old as you.

Ouch. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Let's change the subject. If we continue discussing scientific fallacies I'll lose my three blog followers.

So, how is the blogging business going, Jon?

Let's put it this way:
If my blog was sinking with the Titanic, my blog would hit the ocean floor first. 

That bad, huh?

My "followers" are minimal. My readership is dwindling. I've tried everything possible to maintain interest, short of paying my readers a salary. My once-irresistible charm is rapidly fading. I feel like a paltry imitation of Blanche DuBois.

Perhaps you should lighten up and condense. Incorporate more humor and shorten your posts.

I thought that if I served ten-course meals with my heart on a platter simmering in blood it would generate interest.

Only for vampires.

Any specific suggestions? - - besides laughs and brevity?

Cut the tedious crap about your traumatic childhood and dysfunctional gym coaches. People read blogs for entertainment. Nobody wants to wade through Tolstoy.

I think the real problem is that I'm far too unique and complex for the average person to understand. And probably too cute to tolerate.

You're intolerable, all right, but it isn't because you're cute.

This conversation is starting to get on my nerves. Talking to myself is more exasperating than I initially anticipated.

TWO of you isn't quite as appealing as one might expect, is it?

You're probably right. I sometimes have trouble tolerating one of me.






  1. Gaugamela, Battle of? Had to google that one.

    See, I actually DO read your blogs!

    1. I had to Google "Gaugamela" just to find out how to spell it.

      You're obviously paying close attention to my posts, Ray, and I like that.

    2. Not as close as I'd like to, Jon. They are always so solidly full of information and I have to keep promising myself to come back to do them justice. Then things get in the way of good intentions and.........
      But I will keep trying.

  2. I thought Tennessee was really hot too. Maybe I'm thinking of Tennessee Williams.
    Your blog is great. The only reason I wasn't here so much lately is that I was not in Blogland at all but yours is one of the blogs I really value. Don't stop!!

    1. Tennessee does get very warm in the summer, but it's very rarely over 90 and the nights are delightfully cool. It's a pleasant (and surprising) change from the brutal heat in Texas and Southern California.

      I'm honored to know that you like my humble blog, Jenny, and I always value your input.

      Tennessee Williams was hot sometimes.

  3. Keep talking, we will keep listening

    1. I'm just glad that you're not wearing earplugs.

  4. I'm listening.....and can understand the trials of living in the mountains.....

    1. I love the uniqueness of mountain life, but it takes awhile to get used to.

  5. The Tennessee nights sound delightful but I would hate that drive to town.

    1. I was afraid to drive to Walmart in Texas and it was only a mile away. Now I have to go 20 miles on twisting, narrow roads.

  6. I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but (I think) it bears repeating: Lone Wolf Concerto is a much-needed breath of fresh air ... a respite, if you will, from so many Pleasant Valley Sundays.

    1. I'm not exactly certain if it's a breath of fresh air - - but at least you don't have to wear a gas mask.

  7. I too had to look up that battle. Had thought it was when Alexander fought the Arachnids but find it was the Achaemenids, which were Persians in spider costumes. Keep writing, Jon, I learn here.

    1. I love that one, Geo. You've provided my laugh for the day - - not an easy task.

  8. You think that you were talking to yourself, but I confess that I was eavesdropping. And a mighty interesting, entertaining conversation it was. Wanted you to have another beer and continue the conversation.

    You're not an imitation of Blanche.Illusion was her way of covering up the harshness of the real world. I think that you see things as they really are and deal with it.

    1. The very best conversations I've ever had were always with myself. Go figure. I enjoy my company.. Should I be worried?

      I suppose I am a realist - - which sets me apart from Blanche. Your inclination to eavesdrop might inspire me to talk to myself more often.

  9. lawdy suh, you sure is funny! :)

    and cute too! and you have nice pussies!

    1. I love my pussies, even though they're an occasional pain in the ass.

      I was cute twenty years ago.

      I think I'm funny and I laugh at myself.

  10. I hope you know by now how much I enjoy reading your posts, no matter what you write about. It's kinda like visiting a terrific menu-less restaurant. Whatever you bring to the table is always good.

    Happy weekend!

    1. I truly appreciate that, Susan. You have good taste. (*smile*)

  11. Jon,
    Tennessee and North Carolina, both perfectly lovely states but awash in intolerance. As I said before, I would have retired to western North Carolina or eastern Tennessee but I valued my life. I want to live a few years longer and since I'm totally out of the closet, those Bible Belt folks wouldn't tolerate me for long. However, I am glad you have found your peace and solace.
    And Jon, you have just as many followers of your blog as before. And your postings are always interesting because you're an excellent writer and HONEST. Keep on, keeping on.
    You faithful follower,

    1. The big cities aren't bad, but these little backwards hillbilly hick towns are rather unnerving. There's always the possibility of being lynched (I'm not kidding.....)

      It's nice to know that you took the time to read my blog while on vacation.


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