I was never an optimist. Even during the very best times of my life I always had the dire expectation that something would eventually go wrong.
Low self esteem cursed me with a persistent doom and gloom attitude. I never felt that I deserved success.
As a hardcore realist, I never viewed the world as a place filled with rainbows, unicorns, and androgynous comrades holding hands and singing kumbaya. The globalist concept of Utopia is bullshit.
In a verbose and roundabout way, this brings me to the subject of depression. My (many) bouts of depression have never been debilitating and have never seriously affected my daily life. They come and go - but come more frequently now that I'm getting older (not that I'm exactly old, mind you).
Contrary to popular belief, my depression has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm now a semi-hermit living in the wilderness.
I lived my entire life with other people and finally decided to exist in blessed solitude.
As much as we need contact with humanity in order to maintain a healthy mental existence - - I have always believed that 90 per cent of our problems come from other people.
Don't be too quick to discount my theory.
I'm one of those rare individuals who never needed another person to make me feel whole. I'm my own best friend (and, of course, worst enemy). I am never, ever bored.
My depression comes from two main sources:
1. My physical ailments - which seem to be increasing rapidly, and
2. my present substandard rural living conditions - which are in direct contrast to what I've always been used to.
Several spinal injuries have rendered my back nearly useless - causing me constant pain, discomfort, and great difficulty walking. Instead of being the extremely physically active person that I always was, I'm now (I am embarrassed and reluctant to admit) a pathetic shadow of Quasimodo.
As much as I love my rural life amidst the beauty and solitude of nature, the complications and inconveniences are enormous.......and I mean ENORMOUS.
If I ever revealed all of the problems I have, you'd marvel at the fact that I've lasted here for four years (so far...).
Life in the wilderness ain't for sissies.
Or aging aesthetes.
But I've said enough for now.
Useless midnight confessions on a cold winter night.
I went outside and saw the pale moon rising in a mist beyond the naked forest trees. Coyotes were yelping in the distance and the sudden loud hoot of a nearby owl nearly scared the jeeters out of me.
Next week is predicted to be extremely cold - - near zero on several nights.
I am dreading it.
I have to drive into town on Monday.
I am really dreading it.
Trapped. In the midst of winter.
I guess it's the inconveniences of age and health that make you feel this way. I tried to compare my life with yours but it was difficult. I live alone, me and the cat, and although there are neighbours I rarely see them. Perhaps if I stopped writing stories and blogging it would be different. Fingers crossed that you survive the awful cold weather.
ReplyDeleteThere are many good aspects of living alone, but there are also negative ones - especially as we get older. Writing and blogging is always a good emotional outlet.
DeleteThis coming week is supposed to be the coldest one yet - and I'm not looking forward to it.
Thank you for shedding light on what it is you're experiencing, Jon. The "two main sources" that you cite help me to (try and) understand what my Tom is going through with his chronic pain and this weather. It's just so hard, when there's actually nothing anyone can do. Keep talking, and I'll be right here to listen.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot more sources than the two that I listed - but I didn't want to start depressing everyone else.
DeleteYour Tom is obviously going through a lot. And since he's used to a warm (hot) climate, it really is a shock when confronted with a colder one.
I personally like cold weather - but it can wreck havoc with your entire physical (and mental) system.
It's reassuring to know you're listening. I'll keep talking...
I know something about how it's really hard when you have such physical problems to deal with day in and day out and the constant pain that goes with it. It really gets to me sometimes and I'm a born optimist. Plus then you have issues with your house and the cold. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you. I really do. *gentle hugs*
ReplyDeletePhysical problems really do contribute greatly to depression, Rita. It's obvious that you do a lot of great constructive things to keep busy, and that's the best way of fighting all the negatives that life throws at us.
DeleteWe're supposed to get some snow late tonight, but I doubt if it will amount to much. Keep warm - - and hugs to Annie.
Dear Jon, I've noticed I get more anxiety attacks, bad ones, as I age --usually through the morning. It helps to adjust waking hours, but not always. A glass of wine or a couple beers help and I keep several crossword puzzle books where I can reach them. Distraction plus concentration seems to help. I suspect anxiety and depression are two sides of the same disturbance, but not certain --they both induce inertia. Your list of "two main sources" is very helpful. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteGeo - there are many other things that contribute to my depression besides the two I listed - but I didn't want to go into details and depress everyone else.
DeleteI have suffered from anxiety attacks ever since I was a teen - and they ALL stemmed from the severe abuse I went through with my father. It also caused horrendous nightmares that plagued me until I was nearly in my 40's.
When I was eighteen, one of my anxiety attacks was so bad that I was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night.
You're right - anxiety and depression are two sides of the same disturbance. And you're also right that distraction, concentration, and wine can help.
Jon, most people don't understand just how awful depression is: It really can be as bad as cancer or worse. Then there's the huge stigma that goes along with it.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for coping with this horrible illness as best you can. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for (is it then or than?). My mind is not at its best at the moment.
Hang in there, sweet Jon. Spring will be here much sooner than you believe (Hugs).
Dylan, you're right about the stigma that goes with depression. I very often downplay the extent of my negative emotions because it is sometimes taken the wrong way. Depression is a lifelong malady, which I believe stems from issues in our childhood and increases with the rest of the crap that is piled on us in later life.
DeleteI forced myself to be strong (with great effort) - otherwise I would have been completely lost.
I'll be thinking of spring - and gladly accepting your hugs.
Is there anything doctors can do to give you some relief from the back pain? Constant pain could even make Pollyanna snarl.
ReplyDelete