ATTACK OF THE HARMONIA AXYRIDIS

It was a helluva long, painful spring and summer here in my Tennessee wilderness mountain abode.

They are technically extremely large and impressive hills, but it sounds much more dramatic and romantically intriguing to call them mountains.

After five years of existing in the midst of Mother Nature's appealing, yet appalling embrace, I've learned to tolerate (endure?) all of the incredibly annoying crap that goes with it. 

I've had squirrels in my roof, 'possums under the house, skunks in the garage. I've had a snake in my bedroom and two 'possums inside the house.  

Nests of mice have taken up residence in my desk drawers and clothes drawers. I found a live mouse sleeping in the washing machine. 

I won't mention the wasps, carpenter bees, hornets, horseflies, gnats, fruit flies, drain flies, and stink bugs that plagued and tortured me mercilessly from April through September.

I was delighted when the annual influx of Asian beetles didn't make their usual appearance in mid-October.

Asian beetles
Lady beetles
Harlequins
Harmonia Axyridis

Those are the names by which the little bastards are known. They resemble ladybugs but are more orange-brown than red in color. And they're extremely aggressive.  

When November arrived - unusually cold and inclement - I  was absolutely positive that the dreaded Lady Asians had cancelled their Tennessee invasion this year.

The Big Kahuna God of Nature must have awakened and noticed my joy.

Yesterday (Wednesday) was fairly mild. A few annoying summer bugs lethargically appeared but I didn't think much of it - - - until I suddenly started finding robust Asian beetles in the house. Lots of them.   

It couldn't be, I kept telling myself - not in November!

When I cautiously opened the front door and stepped out on the porch, the plagues of Egypt descended upon me.

Thousands - and I mean thousands - of Asian beetles were swarming everywhere! They covered the porch, the side of the house, the windows - and dense armies of them were zooming through the air.

Like an idiot, I had gone outside in my underwear (hell, no one is around here to see me but Bigfoot).
The beetles immediately descended upon me - hundreds of them - and that's when I discovered they BITE! 

I had to flee back into the house. I was covered with beetles and my legs were bitten dozens and dozens of times in mere seconds.

Not knowing what to do, I grabbed a bottle of rubbing alcohol and doused my legs. Then I began combing beetles out of my hair.  

To make a long story short (which at this point is a complete impossibility) today (Thursday) is rainy and chilly. A hard frost is expected tonight.  The influx of Asian beetles has diminished - although I found several in my bed last night.

Pictures, anyone?  

 

Despite the fact that my windows are all tightly shut, the Asian beetles still manage to get in. This was my bedroom window last night.

Of course, Bosco had to get in on the action. I quickly cleaned up the beetles before he could eat any.

Beetles on the window yesterday...

And the front door - -
(this is after I used bug spray)  

 It's nearly impossible to see in this photo, but loads of beetles are swarming through the air.

Is there an end to this tale of woe?

Only if the frost kills the Asian invaders tonight.   

SUNDAY

You just know this is going to be a crappy blog post when it's titled Sunday.

If you want to read something good, check out my previous post Texas Night Revisited.

On second thought - don't! 
My flowery essays and piano videos always get the least (and most tepid) responses.
Strangely enough - when I posted a half-naked photo of Peter Berlin
I got lots of positive responses.
Even the middle-aged Church Ladies liked it.

Just wait until I finish writing my x-rated memoir. You're gonna love it
(more about this in my next post).

Actually, it won't be "x-rated". But it will zizzle.

April is nearly over and I didn't accomplish a thing. The month was a jumble of rainy days, chilly nights, wicked winds, poor health, and anxiety attacks.

Yesterday I finally prepared my Easter ham. It's delicious and will last a long time (if the cats don't confiscate it).

I know you're eager to see my ham.

I had asparagus and yams to go with it today.

I know you'll be even more thrilled to see my "yard" - which has turned green over night. The wasps and bees are extremely aggressive this year, making it difficult to go outside.

The incessant rains have encouraged the "weeds" to grow into raging monsters. Some of the brush is already over four feet high. My disgust knows no bounds.

All these photos were taken from my back porch.

 

I let the cats out on the back porch this morning to enjoy the sunshine.

Bosco with a rake

 Kitzee, on an ancient rug left by the previous owners.

 

WALK IN THE WOODS

 My back yard yesterday afternoon

Most of the photos that I've taken here have been from the safety of my back porch - so the scenery always looks the same. Once in awhile I go to the nearby meadow where the cows reside.

Yesterday was such a beautiful day that I felt uncharacteristically adventurous. On a whim, I grabbed my El Cheapo camera and ventured out to the woods on my property. It was a wonderful walk and I felt rejuvenated being in touch with nature.

I got scratched with thorns, bitten by bugs, and - yes - I slipped on damp leaves and fell down a slope......... but when I landed on my ass I looked around and said "Damn, it's beautiful here!"

I'm on my ass, in a pile of autumn leaves, in the peaceful, wooded wilderness of Tennessee. What could be better?

I took at least 60 photos and it's nearly impossible to choose favorites. Here are a random few.

Pine cones near the house. Strangely enough, I hadn't noticed them until I was outside walking yesterday.

My cat Scratch, who has been housebound for ten years, suddenly loves being outside. She goes out every day- - but I keep a close eye on her (after the coyote incident the other night)

If you look closely at the photo on the right, you can see my house peeking through the trees.

After living on the barren plains of West Texas for so long, it's difficult to believe that these beautiful woods are on my property!

FEAR

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself....."

.....and spiders, and wasps, and bees, and......


In my previous blog post I listed some of the narrow escapes and harrowing experiences I've had during my tumultuous existence. The restraints of time and space prevented me from mentioning all of them, but I think I gave a reasonable sample.

I also mentioned that, at this point in my life, I'm nearly immuned to fear. It takes a heckuva lot to scare me. Besides the ravages of old age and impending death, there are only two things left that fill me with undiluted fear:

Spiders and scorpions.

When I lived in Texas, scorpions were everywhere. I found them in my shoes, on my clothes. There was a huge one on a towel that I was going to use after washing my hair. One night, just as I was about to turn out the light and go to sleep, a scorpion was lurking on the headboard of my bed. I would wear my boots all night long, for fear of stepping on one.

My terror of spiders has been a lifelong obsession. I hadn't seen very many spiders here in the mountains (of course not - - it was winter). The other night, however, I happened to go outside via the back door. As I was coming back in, I suddenly noticed two big spiders on the door that I previously hadn't seen.

After I was safely inside again (or reasonably safe), I Googled poisonous spiders of Tennessee and spent the duration of the evening scaring myself witless while reading Internet arachnid horror stories. Brown Recluse infestations, vicious spider bites, deadly infections, horrifying amputations......

Holy crap - - I was suddenly having flashbacks of  childhood stories about Miss Muffet on her tuffet, innocently eating curds and whey. 
What the hell are curds and whey, anyway? For that matter, what is a "tuffet"??

Is is too late to get to the point of this blog post?


Probably, Jon, but you can give it a shot.

I have recently - temporarily - retired my fear of scorpions and spiders, in favor of bees and wasps.
With the arrival of spring, my place is becoming infested. Bees and wasps of every conceivable denomination are nesting (or attempting to nest) on my front and back porches. They are so aggressive and intimidating that I can no longer go outside.

carpenter bee in flight

Thanks to the help of two people who left comments on my blog, I was able to identify the dreaded carpenter bees - - who are drilling enough holes in the porch wood to make it look like Swiss cheese.
This is all new to me. In Texas my house was made of brick and I didn't have wooden decks.

Holes in wood made by nesting carpenter bees

(this is not my photo - I got it from the Internet) 

Since I presently have absolutely no defense against the onslaught, I plan to drive into town tomorrow and stock up on insecticides, wood putty, paint, varnish. Oh yea - -and fly swats.

It's obvious that none of the wood on my porches or decks have ever been painted or treated with anything, and the bees love the natural wood.

Yesterday I clobbered a monstrous carpenter bee with a mop and he went down like the Hindenburg.

Oh, the humanity........!!

Later, when I opened the front door, an angry bee immediately came in and I chased it around the living room for twenty minutes. It also chased me around the room. Since I had no weapons at my disposal, I finally managed to kill him with an empty pizza box (I kid you not). It wasn't easy.

While in my Internet quest to find ways of eliminating bees and wasps, I came across some of those "environmentally friendly" websites that suggest ways of gentle elimination without pesticides.
Talk to the bees. Develop a friendly rapport. Plant posies away from your house to gently distract them. Build them a wooden guest house.

Hey, here's a flash:

I'm not an environmentally-friendly type person. I don't want to save the Madagascar Doo Doo Bird. I don't give a rat's ass about saving the planet. I'm not "green". And I'm not "natural".

You're not "natural", Jon? Hey, we already knew that.

I'm gonna get the most potent pesticides I can find and blast all those buzzing son-of-a-bitches right into the far side of the Hereafter. 

Full speed ahead!!!
 


Wow, Jon - - you've just sealed your fate. At this very moment, hundreds of Earth-Friendly people are putting curses on you and scratching you off their "Friends" lists.

THE SIGHTS, SOUNDS, AND SMELLS OF SPRING

 A glimpse of the meadow

 

Well, maybe not exactly the smells of spring - - since I have an allergy and can't smell a darn thing. Besides, I should have properly said "the scents" of spring. It would have sounded better, but when it comes to proprieties I have no scents at all. I mean sense.

It's winter
It's spring.
It's winter.
It's.....

....well, I think I can safely say that spring is finally here to stay. The sleet and freezing temperatures that dampened my spirits a few days ago have vanished without a trace.

Today was sunny and in the 70's. The forest is finally filled with the sights and sounds (and probably smells) of spring.
It's a glorious time of year.

In west Texas spring meant intense heat, devastating dust storms, rattlesnakes, insolent flies, frightening fire ants, scary scorpions, terrifying tarantulas, weeds that were taller than my house, and thorns, thistles, stickers, and burrs. 
And those are the good aspects.

 

Blossoming tree in my back yard and strange object

streaking the sky (zeppelin?)

Here in the mountain wilderness of Tennessee spring has a much more normal countenance. Sure, there are occasional copperhead snakes, but they're polite. And insects are copious but they mind their own business.

Well, all except for those gigantic flying things that resemble German zeppelins and buzz louder than chain saws. I think they're some kind of mutant hillbilly bumblebee. I was outside enjoying the sunshine this afternoon when two of them started chasing me around.

Try running with a bad back on 95 degree mountain slopes.

95 degree??

Aw, hell, give me some slack. I'm trying to entertain you. 

I was so out of breath that I couldn't scream - - and I didn't want to open my mouth anyway because if I ever happened to swallow one of those dirigibles I'm about three hundred miles from the nearest hospital. Slight exaggeration.

After I finally warded off the German zeppelin attack, blissful normalcy resumed.


Besteht die Gefahr, in den Wald!

Naw, no danger, really. 
I'm merely testing my faculties to see if I can remember any rudimentary Deutsch.

 My Front Porch

So, where was I? 

Oh, yea. In the forest on a gorgeous spring day. Trees are blossoming. Grass is growing. Wildflowers are sprouting.
I only wish I would see more wildlife.
So far I've mostly seen deer, squirrels, rabbits, muskrats. And of course the coyotes and wild dogs at night.

There are an abundance of birds - every kind imaginable from hawks to wrens. Woodpeckers assault the trees all day. Today I heard the unmistakable call of a mourning dove.

I love mourning doves - they're my favorite bird. Plaintive, soothing, reassuring. There were mourning doves every place that I lived: California, the Ozarks, Texas, and now Tennessee. They seem to follow me.

This is an incredibly crappy and boring blog post but I'm in a lethargic mood. It's April. I'm smitten with the enchantment of spring.

 Birds have made a nest on the porch light

by my front door. It's messy, but I don't want

to disturb them. Let them nest in peace.

Note:

I changed my Internet browser today from Google Chrome to Firefox. There are some things about Chrome that annoyed the hell out of me. So far I really like Firefox - - except for the initial hassle of having to change & update the plugins.