HAPPINESS???

Yesterday another mysterious visitor came to my room. A tall, slim, bespeckled lady with short butch hair.

A social worker? Psychiatrist? Agent of the FBI?

She had a notebook on a clipboard. Wanted to ask me questions.

Okay. I'm easy. I like questions. Most of them.

The questions seemed benign. What kind of food do I like, what kind of hobbies....do I like animals.....

...do I vote? Uhoh. Hell, no. I never vote. I keep my political opinions safely to myself. I'm a secret patriot. Ssssshhh....

I was waiting for the sexual questions - - hoping I wouldn't shock the jeeters out of her - - but she strayed to more appealing realms.

What were the happiest times in my life?

Actually that's a tough one. As a devout pessimist and a life full of absolute stress and chaos, it's rather difficult to find the rainbows.

I fluffed my way through that one. After she (finally) left, I started thinking about my happy times.

All of my happy times were generated by modes of escape....escape from ugly reality.

When I was young, I escaped from my violent father by reading. I'd hide in my room, escaping through literature. I read books, one after another. My world was deep in the realms of imagination.

And then there was music. The piano, of course. And opera, ballet, symphonies, the deliciously limitless world of classical music. To this day, the greatest balm that soothes my soul is music. I always calm my nerves listening to opera.

Later, I derived some pleasure/satisfaction being a professional pianist and freelance writer. But I'm my own worst critic. I'm never satisfied with myself.

And I was always immensely happy when I was in love. Love can lift the soul to heaven (or occasionally bring you down to hell).....but my love affairs were epic.

Do you know when I was truly absolutely happy?

In October, 2014, when I sold my house in Texas and moved to Tennessee. A monumental milestone.

I packed up everything, put my belongings in storage. I put my three cats in my tiny Toyota...and we were off!

I had two cages in the back seat. Kitzee (nine years old) was in one cage, Bosco and Scruffy (both six months old) in the other cage.

As I drove out of Texas it was exhilarating, a feeling of absolute freedom. No home, no job, no worries, no ties.....I was FREE!!

This must be the Hungarian gypsy singing in my soul. Cigany lelke.

I knew my destination would be Tennessee, but I didn't want to arrive. I just wanted to keep driving forever....like the Flying Dutchman....

In retrospect, I never regretted moving to Tennessee. I love it here. The only thing that ruined it was when I got seriously ill (see previous post).

This next revelation will be somewhat of a shocker...maybe. Maybe not.

I was happy in my young, wild, reckless years - - when I haunted the midnight streets of Hollywood and L.A.  Youth was my weapon. 

I was never tough or wild - - but I assumed a completely new identity. I played tough and faked my way into the hardcore world of darkness and danger....endless one night stands, booze, drugs, encounters with lowlife criminals, pimps and hustlers and (later) hobnobbing with the famous....and infamous.

I was never into drugs, but tried them. Often with negative results. Alcohol was my weakness. To be blunt - - how could I have existed in such a hedonistic lifestyle if I wasn't completely soused?

Destructive? Absolutely. But at that time, it was a great escape from reality. I savored the danger. And despite self-destruction, I still retained my romantic soul. I told myself "Someday in the distant future I'll write about my unholy adventures....."

Was that really happiness? In my quest for freedom, it was. A pathetic facsimile of happiness.

Surprisingly, I have no regrets. I had a unique lifestyle that few people could ever dream of.....or understand.

Why am I writing this?

Perhaps to purge my soul.

Jon 💙 a complete enigma

THIRTY Q AND As

 I haven't done any Q & As in a very long time, so I snagged these old ones from Sunday Stealing

Set One
1. Would you rather be the guest or the host?

I prefer not to be either, but if forced at gunpoint I'd rather be a guest.
 
2. What do you like to wear when you feel fancy?

My Frederick's of Hollywood pink and lavender negligee.
 
3. How often do you try something completely new?

I haven't tried anything new since I got my first skateboard when I was twelve.
 
4. Do you enjoy weddings?

I've always had an intense dislike for weddings. They're a complete waste of money and time. Besides, I don't think there's been a virginal bride since Queen Victoria.
 
5. Have you ever had something customized?

Not that I can remember.
 
6. Do you cook spontaneously or meal plan?

I usually plan meals, but prepare them spontaneously.
 
7. Books you like to read over and over

I should probably be morally compliant and say the Bible. But truthfully, I don't like to read anything over and over.

8. What are you really good at?

Giving sarcastic answers to annoying questions.
 
9. Do you sleep with windows open or a fan on?

If I ever currently slept with the window open I'd turn into a popsicle, but I always sleep with wide-open windows in the summer.
       
10. What is the easiest recipe you know?

Chicken nuggets in the microwave.

 11. Are you comfortable starting conversations with strangers?

I'm not even comfortable talking to people I know.
 
12. Do you prefer quiet, or ambient noise when you relax?

Ambient noise would drive me to the brink of insanity.
 
13. Who is your most adventurous or exciting friend?

When I was a wild and reckless youth in California, I had lots of adventurous and exciting friends. One of my "very close companions" (think what you like) was an ex-con who had been in prison for armed robbery and attempted murder (no, I'm not jesting).
 
14. What do you eat when you can’t decide what to eat?

When I can't decide what to eat, I usually wind up eating anything that I wouldn't initially decide to eat.
 
15. Do you have any funny pet stories? 

 Yes, but I'll keep them to myself because I don't want anyone to get injured from laughing too hard.

 

Set Two

1. Do you buy things when you want them or wait for sales?

If I waited around for sales I wouldn't have anything.

 
 2. Do you think time moves slowly or quickly?

When I was a child, time seemed to go on blissfully forever. The older I get, the more quickly time flies - to the point where I can hardly keep up with it.

 
 3. How often do you spend time alone?

As much time as possible.

 
 4. What’s something that has changed in the last month?

The pages on my calendar.

 
 5. What’s the best part of your job, profession?

Music? Writing? The two most potent ways to express myself.

 
 6. How many pens do you have?

I never counted my pens, but I have at least three dozen phobias and idiosyncrasies.

 
 7. What are your healthiest habits?

Taking lots of vitamins after eating copious amounts of junk food.

 
 8.. Do you have a favorite postage stamp?

Yea, the Lizzie Borden commemorative stamp.

 
 9. Who did you talk to the most this week?

I talked the most to myself this week - and the conversation was insightful and stimulating.

 
 10. What’s on your bedside table?

A semi-automatic handgun and a box of condoms.
Don't panic, I just said that to see if you're awake. My bedside table has antacids, earplugs, and a cell phone.

 
 11. How often do you try something new?

Being cautious, superstitious, and a creature of habit - I seldom try new things.

 
 12. What are some of your grocery list staples?

Tea, evaporated milk, cheese, eggs, orange juice, smoked sausage, Black Forest ham, any kind of fish, yogurt, Malt-O-Meal, any kind of fruit, salsa, peanut butter, frozen pizza, cheese crackers, any kind of sweets........

 
 13. Do you have a favorite poet? 

Thomas James, Philip Levine, Wilfred Owen, Lord Alfred Tennyson, Emily Dickinson, Louise Gluck, Carl Sandburg, Robert Frost, too many more to mention.

 
 14. What interesting fact do you know?

What? Only one? I know so many interesting facts that I often astonish myself.

 
 15. Do you fold laundry right away or do it later?

Long ago I used to carefully fold it. Nowadays, I really don't give a damn.

 

Cheers, Jon
 

Q&A Q&A Q&A Q&A Q&A

 I haven't done a q&a from Sunday Stealing in a long time (mainly because most of the questions are lame) - but I figured it's high time to tackle them again.

 

 1. Who do you take for granted?
No one other than myself.

2. Short, knee, or ankle skirts? (if a man, have you ever worn kilts?)
I always wear a kilt during my bagpipe lessons.

3. Do you wear a hat?
Not when I'm sleeping. I wore cowboy hats when I lived in Texas. Lately I wear any hat to hide my flyaway hair - which looks like a molested haystack.

4. Who's your favorite cartoon character?
I haven't had a favorite cartoon character since I was about six. Way back then I loved Popeye, Dennis the Menace, and Little Lulu.

Nowadays, all the cartoon characters are in Congress.

5. Does break dancing impress you?
The last time dancing impressed me was when I saw Natalia Makarova doing the 32 fouettes in Swan Lake.
Break dancing ain't exactly dancing......

 6. Are you a miracle?
In my own mind.

7. Have you ever eaten tofu?
Tofu is not fit to be eaten.

8. Does the moon have an effect on your mood?
Being notoriously nocturnal my entire life, and having Hungarian werewolves as distant relatives, I am profoundly under lunar influence. I am disenchanted when the moon is new - and I howl like the devil when the moon is full.

9. Many people will say that the Harry Potter books are pure fluff with no literary value. Do you agree?
I've never read a Harry Potter book, but I've seen a Harry Potter movie - which was pure fluff and had no cinematic value.

10. What are you doing next Wednesday?
Attending an orgy with some local Tennessee hillbillies.

11. Why do so many people think Elvis is still alive?
Many people are completely oblivious to the real world and have no clue that Elvis is dead.

12. Are your hands cold?
Only when I'm goosing an Eskimo.
(I'm absolutely brilliant at coming up with spontaneous answers....)
               
13. Have you ever given blood?
Brother, I don't have enough blood to spare.

14. What SCI-fi books do you read?
The complete insanity of the world around us provides enough science fiction to appease me. I don't need to find it in Sci-fi books.
But I do enjoy H.G.Wells now and then.

15. Have you ever belonged to a sorority or a fraternity?
Nope - but I've been a member of the Communist Party, the KKK, and NAMBLA.

(no need to panic - - I just threw that in to confound the creeping  trolls who secretly read my blog)

 

Cheers, Jon

HAVE YOU EVER?

These questions were taken from a recent post on Sunday Stealing

  Have you ever
1. Broken a bone?
I broke a bone in my left wrist while playing football in high school when I was fifteen. I hated football but we were forced to play in P.E. class. 
I was a pathetically skinny, myopic nerd - who didn't know a touchdown from a hoedown. Some gigantic, enormously fat bubba tackled me - - slamming me to the ground directly on  my left arm.
My wrist swelled up like a basketball and I couldn't use my arm for the rest of the year.
To this day, I cannot bend my left wrist, but fortunately it never effected my ability to play the piano.

2. Broken a window?
Once, in my early twenties, when I was extremely drunk, I threw a rock through a plate glass window. Let's not go into the details....
 
3. Been on TV?
Long ago in Los Angeles I performed with a chamber ensemble at the annual Christmas Eve Concert, which was held at the Music Center. It was broadcast on the local PBS station.
 
4. Had a friend who shared the same birthday as you?
A blogger friend, Susan, shares my birthday, which is December 13.
 
5. Locked your keys in the car?
When I lived in Texas I had a pickup truck with a defective door that would automatically lock every time it closed.
One day I was at Walmart, loading things into the back of the truck. I had the engine running and the door on the driver's side was open. A huge gust of wind slammed the door shut. The keys were in the ignition.
I was forced to leave the truck there in the parking lot, with the motor running, while I walked home to get another set of keys.
 
6. Accidentally sent a text or email to the wrong person?
A few years ago I was corresponding with an art dealer who was interested in buying some of my antique paintings. I accidentally sent an email intended for him to another rival art dealer. I had carelessly gotten their email addresses mixed up. It was extremely embarrassing.
 
7. Sat in the back of a police car?
Nope, but I sat in the front of a police car. The cop drove me home one night when my car broke down (happened long ago in California).
 
8. Fallen asleep at work?
Not that I can remember. But I've daydreamed a lot at work... 
 
9. Made a snow angel?  
No. But I've occasionally made yellow snow.
Think about that for awhile. It will eventually get funny.
 
10. Ridden in an ambulance?
In California, I think in 1981, my Mom and I were involved in a horrific auto accident. We were hit by an intoxicated illegal alien who ran a red light.
Our car was demolished. I was thrown semi-conscious from the vehicle and landed in the street. My mother's injuries resulted in her having health problems the rest of her life.
Yes, we both had a trip to the hospital in an ambulance.

11. Worst household chore
Where do I begin? The dirt, mud, dust, and bugs here in rural Tennessee turn simple household chores into tedious undertakings (no pun intended, of course).
 
12 .Worst colour
Worst color for what? I wouldn't wear anything pink to the local Walmart.
I don't like clashing colors. I'm not fond of olive green. 
 
13. Worst pizza topping
Long ago when I was a child in New Jersey, there weren't any pizza toppings. Pizza was always plain cheese - and it was DELICIOUS. Nowadays, toppings are used as diversions on inferior pizzas.
One of the worst pizza toppings is pineapple.
 
14. Worst weather
I never realized how many absolutely shitty places there are to live, until I moved from Southern California.
The Missouri Ozarks have endless storms.
West Texas has endless wind, dust storms, and drought.
Tennessee has endless rain. And mud (remember my previous "mud" blog posts?)
I hate tornadoes...and sub-freezing winter temperatures. 
 
15. Worst self-care job (e.g. dressing, washing, shaving, teeth, toe nails)
Did you ever notice that the older you get, the harder it is to cut your toenails?

By far, hands down, I HATE having to shave. My beard has always been tough and nothing properly cuts it. I've never had a smooth shave in my life.
As much as I dislike beards, I'm almost ready to grow one, because I'm so tired of shaving.
Thank God I don't have to shave my legs......
 
16. Worst game
What kind of game are we talking about? The dating game? The game of life?
I've always disliked  American football.
 
17. Worst school subject
Algebra, without a doubt. I never figured it out.
  
18. Worst animal
How about a neighbor's dog that never shuts up? 
Or the squirrels and 'possums here in Tennessee that are literally ripping my house apart? 
Actually, I can't think of any animal that I would call "the worst".
 
19. Worst season
I love the transitional seasons: autumn and spring. I'm not exactly in love with summer.
 
20. Worst TV show 
Then or now?
How about those old shows - My Mother the Car, Mr. Ed, and The Flying Nun?

Nowadays, there are too many crappy TV shows to name.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG WITH SOME Q & As

I plan to continue my previous post (Dreams of Escape) with more adventures of escape.....

.....but I just discovered these questions on Myra's  blog and decided to lift them. I enjoy answering questions - - as long as they aren't too rudely personal.

1. Have you ever tried to learn (or re-learn) a foreign language as an adult? Which one? What worked for you?

First, I studied German when I was eleven years old in 7th grade. My excellent teacher was from Germany.

I learned a smattering of Hungarian from my paternal grandmother when I was very young. 
I learned every Hungarian curse word in existence from my father.

In high school I studied Latin (and should have been shot for choosing it).
As an adult I continued with German and took a stab at Italian and Spanish (books, records, and college courses).

In conclusion, I have enough trouble dealing with English. 

2. Do you donate blood? Do you know your blood type?

Hell, I don't have enough blood to spare. And even if I did, it would take the persuasion and dexterity of Dracula to extract it from my veins.  
My blood type? Probably an 85 per cent mixture of alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and anonymous by-products.

We were tested for blood types when I was in high school and all I remember is that mine was a rare type.
I'm not surprised. 

3. Have you ever been in a play or musical?

Yea - the lead in Hello, Dolly.

But seriously, even though I'm a musician, I've never had the burning desire (or talent) to appear acting/singing on stage. 

BUT 
In the 8th grade I played one of the Jets in the school musical West Side Story. One of the lesser Jets. 

A side note:  When I was nineteen or twenty, I did learn several songs from Oklahoma and sang them quite well. Believe it or not.

4. Do you use a certain text or ring tone for certain people? Who gets their own? Or do you just use the default on your phone?

Who do you think I am - Kim Kardashian?
I hardly know how to pick up my landline phone to say "hello?"
Actually, I use the default on my cell phone.  

5. When did you get your first digital camera? Do you still shoot on actual film, or all digital now?  

I didn't know "actual film" still existed. I got my first digital camera when I lived in Texas. Can't remember exactly when, but it was at least twelve years ago. It was a Kodak Easy Share (on sale at Walmart) and it's the camera I still use.

6. What do you think someone would say the most daring thing you've done is?

It depends on who that "someone" is.
I've done so many daring things that it scares me to even think about it.

Once, when I lived in San Angelo, TX, I had emergency surgery on one of my eyes (the surgeon had to come in from another city). He also happened to put drops in my other eye to dilate it.

After the surgery, he told me not to do anything for two weeks. 
INCREDIBLY, an hour after surgery I drove myself home from the hospital!!!!
I couldn't see a thing in either eye. It took at least half an hour just to find my car in the hospital parking lot.

I drove home completely on instinct - only being able to see a faint blur in my dilated eye. By the grace of God, I made it!!!
I still break into a cold sweat thinking about that one. 

On the lighter side:
I once had sex with a priest on the altar of a Catholic church (in California).
Is that daring?
Or just plain crazy?

7. Do you talk with your hands?

No. I have enough trouble talking with my mouth. 
My father talked with his hands. And, unfortunately, with his fists.

8. Do you have a lucky number? What is it, and what is the story behind it?

I don't have a lucky number - and if I did, why should I tell you?
I was born on the 13th.
Strangely enough, I think all (or most) of my cousins on my father's side of the family were born on the 13th (different months).

9. What kind of milk did you drink growing up? And now?

Strange question. What kind of milk is there? Plain ol' cow milk. And sometimes Nestle Quick (I think it's now called Nesquick or something).
Nowadays I occasionally drink goat's milk.

In California, during my East Indian Meditation Mantra days, I sometimes indulged in raw milk. Yuuck!!!

10. What is your favorite kind of pie?

Boysenberry, hands down!
Well, hell, when I was a kid we lived a mile from Knott's Berry Farm. Boysenberries were their specialty.

I also love pumpkin pie, peach, sometimes blueberry or French apple.

11. Are you a note taker?

I have taken notes my entire life. Notes about everything, on every subject. I take notes to remember - - and not to forget (*smile*). I take new notes to supplement old notes. I have piles and piles of notebooks filled with notes.

12. Do you have an eclectic mug collection, or is your stuff matchy, matchy?

"Eclectic" doesn't begin to describe it. My mug collection should be in the Smithsonian. I have mugs for all seasons and all holidays. And all moods.  
Unfortunately I don't use half as many of them as I used to.

13. Do you have a junk drawer in your house/garage/at work/wherever?

Let's put it this way - - every drawer I've ever owned is a junk drawer. House. Garage. Work. Wherever.

14. What is the longest time you've worked at one job - and what was/is it?

Finally - a question that's nearly impossible to answer. As a musician and/or freelance writer it is/was often difficult to ascertain what it all adds up to.  
Also, I had many different jobs when I was young, including: proofreader, typist, dishwasher, cook, chauffeur,  movie extra, security officer....
and....dear gawd.....mortuary assistant
(the latter lasted about four days).

My mind is muddled just thinking about it. 

15. How old were you when you took your first commercial flight? To where did you fly?

I was nine years old and flew back east with my mother to spend August with relatives.
It was a TWA night flight from Los Angeles to Newark.

Somewhere along the way the plane got engine trouble and - after a helluva lot of turbulence - we had to make an emergency landing in Denver.
Fortunately I wasn't old enough to realize the grave danger.

If that ever happened now, I'd be hanging on the ceiling screaming like a banshee and trampling women and children to get to the Emergency Exit. 
  

TWENTY-SIX

Twenty-six questions - - one for each letter of the alphabet. I lifted this from Travel Penguin's blog.

A- Age:
Holy crap, I'm kicked in the balls with the very first question. Waterboarding wouldn't drag it out of me. Let's just say that I'm older than Justin Bieber and younger than David Cassidy.

B- Biggest fear:
Being trapped in an elevator with a group of feminists who voted for Hillary.

C- Current time:
It's approximately 4:30 p.m. Central Time, but I'm often in the Twilight Zone.

D- Drink you last had:
A large, hot mug of Irish Breakfast Tea.
Breakfast tea can be consumed in the afternoon. 

E- Every day starts with:
Excruciating pain in my back when I crawl out of bed - then hobbling around like Quasimodo while I feed the felines and clean litter boxes.

F- Favorite song:
Far too many to list.
How about Sounds of Silence.

G- Ghosts:
Ghosts?? What does that mean? Do I believe in them? Have I seen any? Do I know any?? Should they be segregated?
I believe in the spirit realm.

H- Hometown:
I wish I had a hometown. Unfortunately I moved too damn much during my life. I was raised in Southern California and consider it to be my true "home".

I- In love with:
The people whom I truly loved are now deceased.... but love remains eternal in the heart.

J- Jealous of: 
Nothing that I can think of. Possibly Warren Buffett's bank account.

K- Killed someone?
Not yet, but there are a number of people on my list. 

L - Last time you cried?
When I looked in a mirror in the harsh morning light.
Actually, I got teary-eyed when I recently listened to Lament for Thorin by Eurielle.

M- Middle name:
I have none.

N- Number of siblings:
I have no siblings and no regrets.

O- One wish:
World peace and happiness for everyone.
Yea, right.
My one wish would be to have 100 more wishes. On my list would be health, eternal youth, incredibly good looks, and financial security.

P- Person you last called:
I called the County Clerk a few days ago to ask a question.

Q- Question you're always asked:
"How big is your - -"
Oops! This is a family blog. (*smile*)
Actually, I can't think of any question that I'm always asked.

R- Reason to smile:
I could say something political, but I don't want to make any more enemies than I already have.
Truthfully, I don't smile as often as I used to.

S- Song last sang:
Who do you think I am - Lady Gaga?
I can't remember singing anything recently. 

T- Time you woke up:
I'm never exactly fully awake. I have extremely erratic hours and my sleeping schedule is non-existent. Today I was up just after dawn.

U- Underwear color:
What makes you think I'm wearing underwear?
Well, the weather is cold and I am wearing white Fruit of the Looms.

V- Vacation destination:
What's a vacation? 

W- Worst habit:
How much time do we have? I have so many bad habits that it would make Satan look like Shirley Temple. 

X- X-rays you've had:
I haven't had an x-ray in a very long time. The last one revealed I had scarred lungs. I was in my 20's.

Y- Your favorite food:
Wait a minute. We're on the letter "Y". What the hell does that have to do with food?
I'll eat anything but sushi. My favorite foods include Italian, Hungarian, Mexican, German. And junk food. 

Zodiac sign -
Sagittarius.
I have a birthday coming up in about nine days.
And I still won't reveal my age.