Wednesday, February 25, 2015

MY BRIEF AFFAIR WITH OSCAR


My recent blog posts have been ladened with dreary accounts of Tennessee snowstorms and dangerous ice. As a change of pace, I'm turning my attention to Hollywood. Glitz.. The Oscars. And the time I crashed the Oscars when I was eighteen.
Readers of my previous blog Lone Star Concerto have heard the story before. This is for those who didn't.


The 87th Academy Award extravaganza was held last Sunday and my interest was minimal. When I was young and lived in Hollywood I was obsessed with the Oscars and knew every minute detail of the entire procedure. I loved Hollywood and was completely caught up in the stardust.

Those days now seem like a different era on a different planet. Here in a modest shack on a frozen Tennessee mountain, I'm about as far away from Tinseltown glitz as I could possibly get. I miss my turbulent, exciting youth. I miss Southern California. But I've moved on. 


Every year, the entire concept of the Oscars seems more and more trite and irrelevant. Despite all the media hype, the true golden era of Hollywood is long gone - and glamour, as it once was, is nearly dead and buried.

Old Hollywood, of course, was tainted and only had a grand illusion - but the illusion was created with style and panache. Most of the glamour was genuine. Most of the stars had at least some degree of talent and class.


Nowadays, trash and crass have replaced class. The Academy Award ceremony has diminished into nothing more than a political format and an opportunity for drug-glazed gaudily-attired Hollywood Bigwigs to thumb their noses at us and symbolically pat each other on the ass. 




Today the term star is used much too loosely. Everybody is a star. Motion pictures come and go so quickly that they leave little impact. It seems like movies are released in theaters on Monday and become available on DVD by Friday. Soon they're completely forgotten.
Who the heck can remember last year's Oscar winners?

 Jon - you're living in the past. You're getting old and cynical. Glamour isn't dead. Hollywood is still alive.

Wrong, Kemo Sabe. Hollywood is on a respirator, waiting for somebody to pull the plug. The golden past will never be resuscitated.



So, what's my take on last Sunday's Oscars?
Warning:
I'm in a rotten mood, so this is going to be vicious.

First of all, who the hell designed the sets? Looked like an explosion of leftover Christmas decorations from the K Mart "reduced item" bin. 


Doogie Howser as host????

I always wondered who could be worse than Ellen Degenerate. Oops, I mean DeGeneres. Well, they found him. Neil Patrick Harris is a mediocre actor (at best), can't sing, and isn't funny. As the host of a major award show he didn't hold my interest for thirty seconds. Not even when he appeared in his Fruit of the Looms. What the heck did he stuff in his crotch? A pair of socks??
His body looks fake - - like he had lypo suction, or some of his ribs removed.

Well, I'll give him one thing - - I envy his flat stomach.



more of Doogie
than we really wanted to know

The mentality of the Academy Bigwigs is this:
Let's use an openly gay person as the host. It'll be politically correct and Hollywood will blow a fairydust fart in the face of the unsuspecting public.

What's the matter, Jon? Are you some kind of homophobe?


Hey,bucko, call me that again and I'll slap you silly with my hanky. Then I'll deck you with my signed copy of Tales of the City.


If I ever revealed the kind of debauchery in which I indulged when I lived in Hollywood it would make Oscar Wilde faint - - and it would make Doogie Howser and his husband look like rank amatures.

Of course, the Hollywood libs never fail to use a public moment as an opportunity to force-feed us their personal agendas.


Patricia Arquette bitching about the fact that women are underpaid. 
"I paid more money to my dog walker than I got for Boyhood," she complained.

Here's a flash, sweetheart: most of us plebeians can't afford a dog walker.

Sean Penn, putting his foot in his mouth......but we're used to that....

And John Travolta - nuzzling up to Idina Menzel in a feeble attempt to pretend he's not gay. 

Three hours into the agonizing Oscar Ordeal, Lady Gaga appears out of nowhere, waving her tattooed arms, and bursts into a medley tribute to The Sound of Music. She's no Julie Andrews, but she saved the night nevertheless. She does have talent and.....well, class.



gaga




So, what's all this about your affair with Oscar, Jon?

 My first encounter with Oscar night is my favorite, because I managed to really get up-close and personal. That was way back when the Academy Awards used to be held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of the L.A.Music Center.


The Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, L.A. Music Center
  

I was eighteen-years-old and a helluva lot more brash and adventurous than I am now. To shorten a very lengthy story, I managed to sneak into the Music Center (I was very familiar with it) on Oscar night and watch part of the show. 

How did you sneak in, Jon?

I was familiar with every aspect of the Music Center. And I was fast. I used a side door that was a musician's entrance. Security was lax and I had no trouble at all. I sat way in the back and only stayed for about fifteen minutes. I'm sure I could have stayed longer but I was fearful of being caught and tossed out on my ass.

Later that night I befriended the chauffeur of actress Helen Hayes and watched the rest of the Award show on a small TV in her limousine. Afterwards I met numerous stars, including Sammy Davis jr., George Hamilton and his then-wife Alana. Sammy Davis was extremely nice. Hamilton was somewhat of a snob.

This was an extremely abbreviated account of a long and memorable night.

Several years later, when I was more established in Hollywood and knew some quasi big-shots, I attended a private post-Academy Award party at a posh mansion (very near where Burt Reynolds lived). Courtesy of too many drinks and drugs, I wound up having sex with someone under a grand piano in the library! Not one of my proudest moments, but reckless fun nevertheless. Kinda like an Academy Award bonus.....

I have numerous other personal stories about Oscar night, but I'll spare you. At least for now.



A rare (and pretty bad)  photo of me
when I first went to Hollywood.
I was twenty years old and should have
been shot for wearing that shirt (and Billy Jack hat).

I had "crashed" the Oscars a few years earlier
when I was eighteen.










27 comments:

  1. I'm still pissed that I got robbed of the Best Actor Oscar...

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    1. That's nothing. I was horrified when they offered me the award for Best Supporting Actress (I turned it down)

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  2. Jon,

    Just talking about this decline the other day and you certainly articulated what we felt well. Hmm, the way I put that sounds like you and I were talking about this. No, my wife and I, but you said it better. And thank you for your kind words on my Post of a few days ago. Are you surviving your fall and storm difficulties all right?

    Larry

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    1. I truly enjoyed your poetry and I appreciate your visit to my blog. Hollywood certainly isn't what it used to be.

      I'm still snowed in on the mountain and aching from the fall. My cousin brought water and supplies yesterday.

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    2. Jon,
      I don't know if you know this but Larry is one of my very good friends from grade school. We go a long way back. I talk to him often on FaceTime. He and his family take in older cats (mostly) that no one else wants. Larry is one of the Good Guys. I'm glad he found your blog.
      Ron

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  3. I think it's kinda cute that the band around the hat matches your shirt and I remember reading the part about the piano.

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    1. I can't believe that I used to look so bad.....

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  4. I remember. Who could forget that grand piano story? I envy you. Sounds like delicious fun. Your Billy Jack hat is wonderful. And you're right Lady Gaga was the shining star of this years Oscar Awards.

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    1. I never used to like Gaga, but lately her talent is shinning through.

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  5. Tell me Jon....were Doogie's arms too long or were his coats too short....? Did anyone else notice that his jackets ended about 1" below his waist....?

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    1. The coats definitely looked too short and his arms definitely look too long. It's either due to a freak of nature or a bad tailor.

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  6. Great stories improve in the retelling! And I entirely agree with you about the Oscars. Lady Gaga is a damn genius IMHO

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    1. Jenny, it's a delight to know that someone entirely agrees with me. It doesn't happen often.

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  7. A few minutes of coloring outside the lines and a lifetime of wonderful memories.

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    1. Keeping within the lines is not in my repertoire.

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  8. Not sure if I'm not getting a bigger kick out of the grand piano story - or, your take on Doogie Howser. What a loser.
    Anymore, I watch the Oscars out of some sense of tradition ... but honestly, the next morning I felt robbed of the 3 hours I spent watching. (Well, 2-1/2 ... I fell asleep and missed Gaga.)
    That's pretty neat about your meeting Sammy Davis, Jr. What a talent!

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    1. I wish I had the guts to write about ALL my experiences. It would be a best seller. Somehow, I've never been able to warm up to Neil Patrick Harris. His arrogance annoys me.
      (I'm sure my arrogance is annoying, too.....)

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  9. You know, Jon, grand pianos are so high off the floor, they just invite carnal behavior. I believe uprights were invented to stop such goings-on, or at least slow them down. Great post and I hope you're getting things set right between weather systems.

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    1. Uprights aren't too bad for occasional dallying, but it's easy to fall off......
      I'm still completely snowed in, Geo. and getting depressed. Hollywood is a great escape. My cousin brought water and supplies yesterday, thank God!

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  10. The "illusion" of Old Hollywood covered up horrible instance of alcohol and drug abuse, misogyny, racism, and homophobia. No different than today, but what IS different is that today "the private is public", which basically means that everybody gets to see us shitting on the toilet. Bad behavior is out in the open instead of being behind closed doors. In addition, "adults" are in crisis, and they think they have to be crazy and "fun" in order to be relevant, instead of just being adult and respectable. I look at what Jimmy Fallon has done to the tonight show--turning it from an interview show into a game. If I were a celebrity I would refuse to go on unless someone wanted to TALK with me. We get the society we create, and the "kids" seem to like this one, so they can have it. I will continue to behave with some level of privacy and discretion, as I prefer. That works for me.

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    1. You're absolutely correct when you said that "we get the society we create". Also, it's true that sleaze and corruption always existed in Hollywood. I simply yearn for the days when the tarnish was covered up with a semblance of class.

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  11. Jon,
    I too remember when the Oscars were a glamorous, must see affair. Not so these days. The past couple years I didn't even bother to watch. The only reason I watched this year was because I was incapacitated. What a bore. A boring show about and for bores. I did like Lady Gaga's singing but that's about it. No wonder the viewership is now. BORING.
    Ron

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  12. I agree completely. No glamour, no excitement. Boring, indeed.

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  13. It's been a lot of years since I even bothered to watch the Oscars. (or any other award show) If you promise to write about them every year, I promise to never watch any of them again, because your account is much more entertaining than the show. And you're right about the glamour being gone from Hollywood. Even if the glamour I remember was just an illusion, what a wonderful illusion it was! Today's so-called "stars" wallow in the mud, and then rub it in the public's face. Or make a big deal about their political beliefs. Bah! I just want 'em to ACT well.

    (Is Gaga wearing rubber gloves in that picture???)

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  14. Now that you mentioned it, they DO look like rubber gloves.

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  15. I think the last time I watched a full show Steve Martin was host, so God knows how long ago that was! I was slightly emotional when Eddie Redmayne won his Oscar, it couldn't have been an easy character to portray. The Theory Of Everything is an amazing film. And Ga Ga outstanding....Julie loved her.

    ps........d'you think I'd fit under a baby grand...? I've got a copy of the keys to the school's music room!





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    1. I thought I was the only one who had an extra set of keys.......

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