Why apathetic?
Because that's how I've felt for at least the past year - probably longer. I have no motivation, no passion, no burning desire to do anything.
I'm thoroughly tired of blogging, which - in essence - is a thankless and unproductive preoccupation. I mostly blog to convince myself that I'm still alive. And to absorb validation from the greatly appreciated but increasingly minimal input that I receive from readers.
It's way after 4:00 a.m. and I should really be safely ensconced in bed, but instead I'm sitting here in the kitchen on a very cold night - drinking beer (of all things), which occasionally induces a peculiar psychological reaction similar to that inspired by ethanol. Or scopolamine. Or perhaps amobarbital.
But I digress.
A few years ago, one of the most enthusiastic critics of my blog told me that I write far too much about myself
and
I have a narcissistic way of "manipulating" my posts to always make myself look good.
Here's a reality check:
I'm multi-talented, easy on the eyes, extremely witty, and almost unbearably intriguing.
I don't have any need to deliberately make myself look good.
I just said that to infuriate my detractors.
The grim truth ( thanks to the Budweiser truth serum) is that lately I've been so bland and blase that I bore myself.
Every time I attempt to write a blog post I ask myself
How many creative ways can I write about my cats or the damn forest or all the problems I have living here in the friggin' wilderness?
How can I possibly force myself to sound vibrant and optimistic when I feel half-dead and semi-suicidal most of the time?
I said SEMI-suicidal so as not to alarm you.
It's now after 5:00 a.m. and I should probably think about going to bed where I can immerse myself in the deceptive realms of Dreamland.
I mostly stayed up tonight to keep an eye on the water pipes and make sure they don't freeze. The temperature is frigid. Colder than a polar bear's kiss.
I'll eventually regret posting this.
And you'll immediately regret reading it.
Those are some of the negative aspects associated with the wonderful world of blogging.
I regard this post as a positive. It benefits you because you are able to share your deep emotions and it benefits your readers as many of us are dealing with our problems so we can share in your struggles. Thus, a conversation begins which is beneficial to all of us.
ReplyDeleteMundane? No! I don't believe any of us are solving world problems or winning a Golden Globe. We are all dealing with existential problems. This is what our everyday conversation is made up of. And we are all glad that we can open up and relieve some of our frustrations. Keep on blogging because if you didn't, you would cause a lot of worry, not only about you, but your cats.
Paul, all of us are immersed in are own private hell, in one way or another. I suppose I'm more vocal about mine on this blog because I live alone and can only complain to my cats (who sometimes wear earplugs).
DeleteAnyway, thanks for the vote of confidence. I need it.
i have to admit you have a way with words. it is 'colder than a polar bear's kiss' here too. i hope you don't mind me borrowing the phrase.
ReplyDeleteI invented that phrase years ago, but I used to say "colder than a penguin's kiss). This time I thought I'd be different. Feel free to borrow it.
DeleteHey, you’ve been reading my mail! Apathetic is a state I know well.
ReplyDeleteApathy is a year-round malady, but it always increases dramatically in the winter. I would like to sleep until spring. Or summer.
DeleteI suspect your (present) state of mind isn't unlike many folks. Particularly in January. Personally, I'd be heartbroken were to you retire this blog. I hope this isn't an intrusive question, but I'm curious how your book (memoirs) is progressing?
ReplyDeleteThe cold, dreary winter weather always increases my frustrations.
DeleteAs for my memoirs - I've decided to divide it into two books: my childhood, and my hedonistic adulthood.
The biggest obstacle is that I'm having great difficulty trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together - since my life has been extremely complicated, contradictory, and chaotic. I get mentally exhausted just thinking about it - not to mention writing about it.
Also, I have to be very careful about what I reveal, for fear of being sued....
I might write a blog post concerning my memoirs. Look for it in the not-too-distant future.
My head was so plugged up that I was up till 4am, myself--listening to the wind and watching a British detective show. Got you beat for cold, though. Still windy and the high today is expected to be 19 degrees. I need to bring out trash and make a trip to the garage to get more bird seed...am working up to it. Still plagued by this head cold & cough...having a very slow start to my 12 week course in the new book I'm working my way through. I'll keep plugging away. I wonder sometimes why anyone would read about my little life stuck in my apartment feeling like crap most of the time, but I keep blogging. I'm grateful for my few faithful followers...and Annie...and that I'll be warm when I'm back inside and the birds will have seed for another week...once I make the frigid trip outside. Can you tell I'm procrastinating? LOL! Your life is interesting to me, Jon. :)
ReplyDeleteRita, I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with that head cold. And, unfortunately, coughs last seemingly forever. Have you tried a vaporizer? The steam from Vick in hot water always helps, especially congested lungs.
DeleteWell, your weather is certainly colder than mine. The daytime high was 25 degrees yesterday and it's 18 tonight. Fortunately it's supposed to "warm up" by the weekend. I can certainly understand why you don't want to make the frigid trek outdoors - but it's so kind of you to feed the birds.
There are lots of birds here, but they mostly stay in the forest and seldom come around the house. I always throw scraps of bread outside for them.
Anyway, take care and stay cozy.
There's a difference between privacy and isolation and I think you may have too much of the latter. You may need more contact with others than you are getting via your aggravating trips to town and your readers' comments. It seems that your cousin is the only person that you have a face to face relationship with. Calvin told Hobbes today that, "I like these cold, gray winter days." Second panel: "Days like these let you savor a bad mood." We're past winter solstice. Days are getting longer. Hopefully your cold snap will end soon. I would miss you if you stopped blogging.
ReplyDeleteI still keep in close contact with numerous relatives and friends via phone and email, but my personal contacts are now admittedly limited. It's also frustrating not to have any nearby neighbors. I definitely don't mind being alone in the wilderness, but complete isolation is never beneficial.
DeleteBlogging is always a great emotional outlet for me. I get frustrated at times but doubt if I'd ever give it up.
Why do we blog? Is it to communicate with others or is it to free our own minds? I have never worked that out, yet without the blog I would probably have given up the joy of living. Yes, I said JOY because I was unable to hit on a suitable adjective.
ReplyDeleteI am fortunate in that I have neighbours but am still home alone except for the cat. I can't even go out to the shops now - so maybe that's why I continue to blog.
Cheer up, blogging friend.
Blogging is definitely a creative way to purge our minds, and it's also a great way to communicate with other people. I really wouldn't enjoy blogging as much, if I couldn't share my thoughts with others.
DeleteIt's good that you have neighbors nearby. I truly enjoy living alone but being isolated can be rather intimidating at times - especially as I'm getting older. I only go out to town about twice a month to get groceries.
Lewis Grizzard used to write a column for the Atlanta newspaper, and he liked to call the first two months of the year Jan-u-weary and Feb-ru-ugly, so you aren't the only one who gets the blahs this time of the year. And then there's the "exhaustipated" factor. That means "too tired to give a crap." You should get more sleep!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad to hear you're not gonna give up blogging. You'd be missed by a lot of people. I'm one of them. Hang in there, cowboy.
Ha - they are perfect names for Jan-u-weary and Feb-ru-ugly. I'll have to remember that. Blogging is definitely one of my addictions - but at least it's a harmless and wholesome one.
DeleteI always appreciate your kind words of encouragement, Susan. Thanks!
Keep going, yours is one of the blogs I read even when I haven't got time to read blogs.
ReplyDeleteThat's a big compliment, Jenny, and I truly appreciate it.
Delete