By some technological miracle, I have an Internet connection so I'm writing a new post. Nothing interesting nor important. Just confirming the fact of my existence. Probably typos, because my right arm hurts so much that I can hardly type.
Before I go into updates, I want to turn back the clock - to the 1st of June, 2023. Now, over three years ago. That was the horrible day when my long medical journey began. I knew at least a year previously that I was seriously ill. A tumor on my pelvis, directly on the main artery, which caused massive hemorrhages. At the time I didn't have medical insurance and was too frightened to get help.
The things I went through were so terrifying that I wouldn't want to describe it on this (public) blog.
Incredibly, during that time I still managed to blog - but my posts were strange, disjointed, depressing. Nobody knew how I was suffering. I hinted....but hints mean nothing.
During this time, I made the video "Heart of the Lost" (the title is from the music, written by Ean Grimm). I posted the video...and no one knew what it meant.
I never revealed my desperate plan. I went into the forest by my house. A final walk. I found a perfect spot nestled in the busom of the trees. I sat there for hours, clutching the ample bottle of pills.
I yearned for the final sleep, which would come gently....... soon the wild, free spirit of a white wolf would roam forever freely in the peaceful place I loved.
It was as simple as that.
I didn't go through my plan. It was night when I got home.
The 1st of June
I had lost so much blood that I started having mild heart attacks. I could no longer walk. I stumbled to the front porch, called 911, and passed out on the porch.
A long journey....the doctors at Centennial in Nashville told me there was no hope. I was sent back to Cookeville, where I had seven weeks of chemo and radiation.
A guardian angel had mercy.
That's the past. What about now?
Medically, I'm having more problems. I don't want to exhaust myself (or you) with tedious details. After six long weeks, I finally have an appointment with my oncologist in Cookeville (July 14th). Good news.....but I'm apprehensive.
I wish it could have been sooner.
I wish this post wasn't so gloomy. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. My sense of humor has vanished.
Jon ❤️ valiently...hanging.....on
I'll try to post more often, if I still have an Internet connection. Thanks for being there. I know you are.
Thanks so much for posting, Jon. Such valor. I hope for some pain relief, too.
ReplyDeleteI seem to be plodding on and managing to keep my head above water.....and keep what's left of my sanity.
DeleteThanks, Liz.
I'm sorry, Jon. I am not sorry you didn't carry through on your plan.
ReplyDeleteIt would have been easier than what I went through. But it made me mentally stronger. That video haunts me.
DeleteThanks, Sandra
Lovely to hear from you Jon. I have been thinking of you and hoping your health issues have gotten better and your days were filled with working on your strength.
ReplyDeleteA poignant video, and I for one, are happy you decided to seek help.
Hugs,
Jo
I was truly desperate, Jo. The day when I finally called 911 I knew absolutely I was dying.
DeleteI am presently struggling with new health issues, which seemingly never end. I'm used to the challenges. My frustration makes me stronger.
Thanks for thinking of me.
July 14 will be here before we know it! Praying for good results and (internet gods willing) you'll be able to post another update soon.
ReplyDeleteThat imagery and music! I long to be there.
I waited over six weeks for this appt. and hope it's worth the wait. I also hope my Internet connection will last. It really irks me when I can't blog.
DeleteThat haunting video has a special meaning for me. The peaceful, comfortable embrace of nature.
Thanks, Myra.
Thanks for the update, Jon, and while I am glad you called for help, also saddened to read if your continuing health issues.
ReplyDeleteI'm mostly disgusted and frustrated. It seems like this agonizing journey never ends. All I can do is continue the fight.
DeleteThanks, Dorothy.
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DeleteI had that Hopeless Moment once too Jon, so I can relate somewhat, but I downed the Bottle of Pills... didn't Die... ended up spending a very Interesting Week involuntarily in Psyche Lockdown, which was quite the Experience. Who knew they had Mixed Company and even the Criminally Insane in there mixed with those who were suffering from Depression or Caregiver Burnout!? I'm glad you got the Help you needed at the time it was most needed and you're here for a reason and have purpose, or, you wouldn't be anymore. That's how I look at it now for myself as well... Keep Calm and Carry On... I know the suffering is agonizing, whether it's physical or mental suffering, or both, it's just fucking Hard! Big Hugs to you my Friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughtful comment. Sorry that your Hopeless Moment backfired, but I do agree we were saved for a purpose.
DeleteHeck, the world would be more bleak without us.
*smile* Hugs.
Hi Jon, of course I am still here! Haven't been blogging much lately because I have had a lot of crap going on right now - an 18 year old driving daddy's Acura totaled my car on my way to work, dental issues, almost lost our fur baby Leo, etc. That being said, you are still and always on my mind, my dear friend.
ReplyDeletePeople never know what we are going through privately. I am glad that you shared this with us because, believe it or not, many of us can relate. Years ago, I remember asking my beloved Dad, "How can you deal with all of the problems life throughs at you?" His reply, "Well, because I just try to remember that no matter how bad the things are that I am going through, there is always someone else somewhere that is going through something worse." As usual, my Dad was right.
Please keep us updated as best you can.
TAKE CARE,
Kim
Kim, you hit the target on so many things. We blog, but no one knows the private agonies that we suffer. I'm SO sorry to hear your problems - - especially having your car totaled.
DeleteYour father was right. There are others who have problems worse than us.
Take care, and Big Hugs.💚
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DeleteOh, and btw, your video was so moving, it brought sentimental tears to my eyes. :)
ReplyDeleteThat video always haunts me, and often induces sentimental tears. I love the white wolf.
DeleteWe're here for you Jon. I had no idea how serious your situation was back in 2023. One thing you definitely are, a survivor.
ReplyDeleteRon
My situation was extremely bad in 2023. I'm surprised I survived.
DeleteI just finished listening and watching your video. It was beautiful. And as others have said, So many people are going through things way worse than we go through. This Friday I have my long awaited appointment with my urologist is is anxious to begin treatment for my recently elevated PSA scores (indicating a return of my prostate cancer.) I'm informing him that I will not seek any more treatments, hormone or radiation or even another biopsy procedure (which he suggested). I'm done enriching the medical industry and I'm ready to go when I get a six months or less date. At 84 years old I've had a fantastic life. I'm ready. Until that happens, I'll live each day as best I can. I think my back problems are more serious which affects my walking. We'll see.
ReplyDeleteI know you've had a lot of health problems, Ron. You have such a good attitude - I understand your feelings. Sometimes I wonder if we should believe what the doctors say. People often dont think for themselves.
DeleteTake care. Big Hugs!
I'm here, losing more brain cells every day. At least I don't have all the pain you have. You are often on my mind.
DeleteIt's so good to hear from you, Donna. I often worry about you. Take care.
DeleteHugs. 💚