Sunday, December 31, 2017

RESOLUTIONLESS

 Me in Texas, holding some leftover balloons from a New Year's Eve party.


New Year resolutions are well intended but highly unrealistic. I doubt if many people keep them. I usually break them within a few hours. Or minutes ("I'll never curse again").

This year my objectives are few:
Stay alive
and maintain what's left of my sanity. 
I suppose I could throw in:
more organization
and less procrastination.

And, while I'm at it:

Put the Robert E. Lee statue back on my front lawn.

Wear my "I Love Milo" t shirt to the next Antifa rally.
(you'll have fun Googling that)

Okay, okay - - I'm referring to Milo Yiannopoulos.
 
I'd better stop now before I suddenly have a resolution list. 

To be brutally honest, this is the first time that I'm dreading the prospect of a new year and seriously wondering if I'll be able to summon the motivation to successfully navigate through it.

It's no secret that I've been deeply depressed for a long time - over some very real issues that are disturbingly pressing. If I ever revealed the problems that I'm presently burdened with, even my detractors would have sympathy.

And I'll readily admit that my problems have quadrupled (at least) since I moved to this friggin place in the wilderness. Rural life ain't for sissies.

But no need to panic. It's not the first time I've been plagued with problems. Life is a bitch that kicks us in the ass when we least expect it - and then kicks us again when we're down. 

The only thing that really frightens me is in recent years I've become very bitter and emotionally bankrupt. I seem to have misplaced my heart and soul.

Enough said. 

On the bright side: 
I've actually been selling things in my online store (many thanks to some bloggers). I think I've sold about thirty items so far  - which is astonishing, since my initial expectations were low.

On the gloomy side:
Scruffy and Bosco have the "sniffles" again. I'm surprised that the cats don't have pneumonia from living in this damp, frigid house.

Scruffy sneezed so enthusiastically the other night that she knocked a brass antique  scale off a shelf and broke it. I couldn't believe it! Her powerful sneezes caused her to lurch forward and the scale went into orbit!

The scale belonged to my parents and I remember it when I was a kid in California. Well - on the bright side, it's one less thing I'll have to dust.

I'll supplement this heartwarming story with some exciting photos:


Busted! Half of the top broke off.


 An old California photo of my Mom having breakfast. The antique scale is on the hutch directly behind her, right above the coffee cup she's holding (this is a faded Polaroid and the colors are rather distorted).



I have no plans for New Year's Eve, except to keep warm. The temperature is supposed to drop to near zero tonight. Fortunately I have plenty of food and supplies for the upcoming frigid week.

I'll undoubtedly write another post late tonight (it's presently about 2:30 a.m. on the last day of the year).

I hope your New Year's Eve will be warm and wonderful!

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

IT'S FINALLY OVER




Okay, let's admit it - 
aren't you glad this Christmas crap is finally over? Don't you feel foolish for putting up all those tedious decorations and spending all your money on gifts, simply because Tradition dictates it?

Relax. I'm just trying to make you feel even worse than you already do. I meant no harm.

If I ever knew Tennessee has Siberian winters, I would have never moved here. I try to use the heat very sparingly - but I'm terrified to see my next heating bill. December has been a cold bitch. 

There was sleet and then light snow on Christmas Eve, and it got down to 16 degrees here on the mountain .

On Christmas Day I jokingly said (to myself and the cats) "I'll bet we're almost as cold as Donner Pass".
Just for the hell of it, I Googled the temperature for Donner Pass. It was 29 degrees there.......and 22 degrees here.
We were colder!

Deriving inspiration from the Donner Party, I've been secretly sizing up the cats - deciding which one I'll eat first if bad comes to worse. I've decided to start with Bosco. He's huge and meaty.



 Bosco
This is a rather old photo - he has grown since then. 

The photo of my hat in the snow was taken in Texas. Despite popular belief to the contrary, parts of Texas can get damn cold in the winter. I lived on the high plains of West Texas (with an altitude of over 3,400 feet). The winters could be frigid - with blizzards, ice, and brutally cold winds. Fortunately the snow usually melted quickly.

I used to send my weather-related photos to a TV station in Lubbock and they occasionally used them on the news. Here are a few Texas winter photos:

 By the side of my house

 "Frost" on the pumpkin

 In my back yard. I really loved this stone bench and birdbath (and paid a lot of money for them) but they were too heavy to take with me when I moved.

On the day that my mother died (in December, 2009) there was a blizzard and ice storm. I came home from the hospital and sat on this bench in the snow for over two hours, until long after dark.

Extremely painful memory, but I thought I'd mention it. 


Saturday, December 23, 2017

OUT OF THE FOG, INTO THE WIND

It's a few hours before dawn on Saturday morning. A very strong and unseasonably warm wind is blowing - rustling restlessly through the trees, making the wind chimes on my front porch sing.

Several packs (groups? gangs?) of coyotes were howling nearby awhile ago: a macabre chorus in the night. I ran out on the front porch to see them, but it was really too dark (moonless and/or cloudy) and they disbanded rather quickly.

The wind is really raging now as I write. Things are banging around outside and all my cats woke up. The warm temperature is eerie but it won't last (unfortunately). Frigid weather is expected by Christmas Eve.

Yesterday (Friday) the rain poured all day and it was foggy. I've never seen rain and fog at the same time until I moved to Tennessee. I actually like it - very atmospheric.

I snapped a few photos yesterday. Nothing particularly interesting.

 Oranges and apples, and two old nutcrackers that I found packed away.

This snowman used to play music when you pressed his hand, but it no longer works.





The front yard yesterday morning when the fog was starting to roll in (above).
 
.....and the back yard in the dreary afternoon. 
 
 A few autumn leaves are still clinging to trees.
 
 I took a picture of these candles without using the flash and captured my hands holding the camera in the mirror.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

ON THIS DAY

There's an old adage that says "The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys".
It might very well be true.


The only problem is that big boy's toys tend to be fraught with complications. There are many times that I yearn for the simple days when I had the Jeep.


 When I was six years old I was diagnosed with leukemia by two doctors. One of them predicted that I would never live to be twelve.
To make a long story short (which has never been one of my assets), I outlived both doctors....by an enormous amount of time. 

To be brutally honest (which is one of my few assets), life would have been much more sweet if my existence had been extinguished before I was twelve. 

Anyone who says that life gets better with age - or that you're only as old as you feel - is.....

sensitive people, please hold your ears

........full of shit.

But another birthday has arrived like a runaway train and I couldn't find a way to derail it. 
As for my age - the less said about it the better. In the past, I used to lie about my age so outrageously that there were times when even I couldn't recall the genuine number.

Finally I gave up lying about my age and simply ignored it. I suppose that's the most painless ploy.

As my life tumbles towards the inevitable reward of oblivion, the years seem to pass more and more quickly - and my astonishment is replaced by frustration....and fury.

One day I'm a sweet, innocent, adorable babe in the woods - -


- - - and the next day I'm a grotesque, disgruntled, decrepit hermit in the woods - trying desperately to hang on to past bouquets, despite the growing influx of weeds.




Don't put too much analysis into this post. It's merely a jumble of fleeting thoughts.

Oh, by the way -
Happy Birthday to Susan, who shares my birthday...
....and to Geo. - who was born sometime in December...



 

Monday, December 11, 2017

SILENT NIGHT

Incredibly silent. Deceptively peaceful. A soft wind blowing through the haphazard clutter of shivering treetops. It's nearly 2:00 a.m. on a cold, sightless night. I just stepped out on the back porch. Everything is pitch black. The moon is rising - a faint translucent glimmer nestled in the forest. By dawn it will be high above the trees.

Last night was bitterly cold. The temperature dropped to 12 degrees Fahrenheit and I stayed up until way after dawn to make sure the water pipes didn't freeze (they froze and burst the first winter that I lived here, so I've been nervous about it ever since).

Tonight - thankfully - it isn't nearly as frigid, but it's still cold enough to chill my bones in this damp and drafty house. I have a pot of homemade potato soup on the stove and plan to eat some shortly.

Until then, I'll share some photos that were taken very recently. 

 Yesterday morning I stepped outside  at dawn and took these photos.


 The moon way up above the trees.

 Forest in the back yard

Scruffy on the back porch about three days ago. After being sick for awhile, she has finally gained weight and her fur looks much better. She's a sweetheart.

 I very seldom take photos of myself. I took this last Friday (the 8th) after I got home from my excursion to town. My El Cheapo camera only has a ten-second timer. I have to set the timer, then run like hell and try to assume a pleasing position before the camera snaps. It ain't easy.

I wiped the frost off my bedroom window yesterday morning and took this pic of the nearby mountain illuminated by the rising sun.

 I was on the floor in the sunshine the other day, studying some music scores, when Scratch (Kitzee) came to join me. She soon fell asleep.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

ALARMING HOLIDAY CUISINE

The Joy of Blogging, Rule #86
"If all else fails, try visuals".

I dug into the sticky dregs of my visual archives and extracted a delectable array of holiday food to whet your appetite - and inspire your creativity.


Hot dog and raw bacon Nativity
with Chinese noodles

Roasted Weenie Christmas Tree

 Holiday Vegetable Loaf
with raw tomatoes, radishes, and broccoli

Leftover turkey in a brown Jello ring.

Cranberry Candle Salad

 Vegetable Surprise
Holiday Gelatin Mold

 You can't go wrong
with black mince pie and
charred Christmas pudding.

Canned Vegetable Medley

Olive-embellished cheese balls

.....and the piece de resistance...
Stuffed Porker!
But wait -
no holiday meal would be complete without home-baked desserts.


Holiday Cookies!



Fruit Cake!

Gingerbread Houses

And there's no better way to enrich a holiday family gathering than with a Christmas Surprise:


 If you disliked this post, you're really going to hate my other blog - which I've just "re-opened" after a long hiatus. 
Check out some vintage Christmas ads:
Cabinet of Curious Treasures 




Friday, December 1, 2017

AFTERMATH

This is a followup of my previous post: 
the conversion of my phone/computer connection from old copper cables to new fiber optic cables.

The switch was supposedly not mandatory, but I was gently advised that everybody with my internet service provider would eventually be compelled to do it.

Rather than go through a future ugly ordeal with gunfire and bloodshed, I figured I'd convert early and be done with it.

The outside preparatory work was completed last Tuesday. The indoor installation would be done on Wednesday.

This post is starting to bore me - which isn't a good sign.

The two workers arrived early Wednesday afternoon. My first impression was that they looked like a couple of bewildered bookends. I attributed that to the fact that they had to scale a mountain and plow through an acre of 25-foot-high weeds to get to my front door.

The process took about an hour and a half. I didn't learn much, since the workers were about as friendly and talkative as corpses at a wake.
(one of the guys had to crawl under the house to install some wires, and he did mention that it was about 40 degrees below zero under there). 

I also learned that there's no insulation in the walls - - which I already assumed, since it's generally 150 degrees below zero in the house. Except in the summer - when it's hotter than the surface of the sun.

I breathed a sigh of relief when the workers finally left (I'm sure they did too), and then I inspected their handiwork:


They installed this contraption outside by the utility box....

....and this was installed inside - in the laundry area, right above the washing machine.

The inside contraption has a winking green light, which makes me feel like I'm under surveillance. I made sure the door was tightly shut when I went into the bathroom.

Cut to the chase, Jon. How has fiber optics changed your computer and phone experience?

My desktop computer was working fine after the conversion. However, surfing the Internet seemed only a fraction faster than usual - not much difference than before.


BUT
I couldn't get an Internet connection on my laptop - - no matter how hard I tried. So I decided to call the ISP for technical support.....
.......but my landline phone didn't work, either. I got a dial tone but wasn't able to dial numbers.

I messed around with the phone connection until I was finally able to dial numbers....
.......but then the number that I dialed wouldn't ring. All I got was an echo.

So I messed around some more and eventually got the phone to work.

To make a long story short (which at this point is a complete impossibility) I was on the phone with the computer technician for about an hour. He was polite and extremely helpful.

An aside:
at one point the technician asked for the serial number on my router. I had to run into the other room - and discovered that my cat Scruffy was sleeping on the router (Scruffy and Bosco like the router because it generates warmth). 
Anyway, I had to PRY a sleepy Scruffy off the router.

FINALLY, after an agony of trials and errors, the technician discovered that I could access the Internet with my network security key (which is the password that I used when I first signed up with my Internet service provider).
So, it's a happy ending, I suppose. My desktop computer works, the laptop works, the landline phone works.
And my cats still sleep on the router.

I honestly don't see a huge difference between the copper cable connection and the fiber optic one - - but I'm glad the ordeal is finally over. I hope.

BTW - I hardly ever use the landline phone, but I'm required to have one with my Internet service "plan". More money for them.

 

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

CONVERSION




The phone rings (last week).
I answer.
It's a lady from my Internet service provider.

"I'm pleased to announce that we can now convert you to fiber optics, free of charge!"

"No thanks. I have my own religion." 

"Well, this decision is completely up to you, but we plan to have the entire county converted very soon."

"Hallelujah!"

"Shall I schedule an appointment?"

"I'm not sure."

I'm not only stalling, I'm pathetically puzzled. Truthfully, I wouldn't know what fiber optics was if it crawled up my leg and bit me on the ass.

I ask her to explain.

Her explanation is almost as muddled as my comprehension. And my comprehension is as thick as Golden Gate Bridge fog...or pea soup.

Her enthusiasm is much more persuasive than her explanation.
"There's no charge to you, your Internet experience will be vastly improved....
and - everybody's doing it!"

After a moment of serious contemplation - which seemed like two hours but in fact was only ten seconds - I suddenly have a  Come to Jesus Moment.

Before my intuition tells me "No!", my blubbering lips blurt out:

"Yes! I'll do it! I want to be converted!"

I think the lady felt blessed and rewarded. I made her day.

As for me -
a weight was lifted from my sagging soul and all my past sins were seemingly expelled in a moment.

Actually, my multitudinous past sins would take longer to expel than downloading War and Peace with a dial-up connection - - but that's beside the point.

So I spent some time Googling information about the fiber optic computer/phone experience. I really didn't learn much except the fact that my Internet surfing will be a little faster....and installing a fiber optic connection is a helluva lot of trouble.

The workers ascended on my property this afternoon to do the outside preparation work. Everything went smoothly - except that I had to move my car to accommodate one of their trucks.

Tomorrow afternoon (Wednesday) they will do the inside work (installation of the connection contraption).

I should have a great time keeping my unsuspecting cats calm during the invasion of strangers.

Scruffy is friendly and likes strangers (to the point of being annoying) - but Scratch and Bosco hate strangers and are going to freak out Big Time.

But all the trouble will be worth the conversion. I think.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

PHONE CARD IN THE FREEZER AND OTHER STUFF



Get a place in the wilderness, Jon. It'll be fun! You'll have a simple and carefree life.

If it wasn't so physically hard to do, I'd be kicking my own ass for suggesting that to myself.  
After three long years existing in the wilderness my life is filled with more problems and complications than a '58 Edsel Corsair, and my nerves are more shredded than the lettuce on a Taco Bell veggie salad.

I couldn't sleep all night from the scratching and scraping of the wild animals trying to nest in my roof and walls. Don't be fooled by all those cutsie wildlife documentaries on PBS and the Disney Bambi crap that we were spoon-fed as kids.
If I had a submachine gun I would have used it gleefully and without regrets.

Did you ever try to sleep on a bad mattress with a bad back and two big cats? Bosco must weigh 50 lbs. and he was dead weight on my legs like a sack of scrap metal.

When I crawled out of bed at the grim and cold crack of dawn, it took me ten minutes to get on my feet and I looked like an accordion on stilts.

Yup, I chose today (Tuesday) to drive into town - despite a warning from my cousin that there was "road work" being done.

Actually, I was fortunate to even find the road - since the weeds and "brush" on my property are now 20 feet high thanks to recent rain.
I won't mention the mud.

Driving to town wouldn't have been too bad, if a pickup truck didn't appear in front of me (seemingly out of nowhere). It was going less than 15 m.p.h.
Picture that on a narrow, winding, no passing mountain road.

Thanks to that SloMo snail, it took three times longer to get to town than usual.
I was biting my fingernails to a bloody pulp.

But luck was with me -
No road repair work was being done!

.....until I got to town.

I thought my cousin meant the mountain road was being repaired.
Instead, I discovered that she meant the roads in town were being repaired.

Every major road in the entire damn place was under "reconstruction", making it less than impossible to get anywhere.

I had to stop at the courthouse, which was located in the very midst of the road construction ( a harrowing maneuver, to say the least). My reason for going there is far too long and tedious to rely here - let's just say it had to do with the registration of some property.

 Here's the courthouse and that's exactly where I parked (I didn't take this photo - I got it from the Internet).

The lady in the clerk's office was so busy, rude, and confused that I finally left in abject frustration (to say the least) without getting anything resolved or done.

Onward to Walmart, where the holiday shoppers were out en mass.
Did I ever mention that I think all holidays should be permanently banned - and those who try to participate in them should be subjected to waterboarding torture?

I desperately needed a BIG bag of Purina Cat Chow Complete, which is the favored cuisine of my three cats. Naturally they were all out of it. So I had to settle for the small (very small) bag - and a big bag of Friskies.

I had to buy a phone card for my cell phone. The  swishy male clerk in the phone department was wearing two gigantic earrings, at least six finger rings - and he was extremely friendly.

Hey, I'm not trying to suggest anything. It's merely an innocent observation. And it's very strange for rural Tennessee. 
I haven't seen a dude look like that since I was in West Hollywood.

I bought two pumpkin pies that were on the "mark down" rack (one of my favorite Walmart haunts). More about the pies later.

The long drive home was beyond the realms of a hellish nightmare:
a huge truck hauling a load of cut lumber was going about 5 m.p.h. There were fourteen cars behind him. I was the fifteenth car.

It was like a funeral procession, only slower. I eventually started gnawing my toenails and saying profanities that would have made Satan blush.

Okay - 
what about the phone card in the freezer??

When I finally got home, I wrapped one of the pumpkin pies in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer.

Eventually I noticed that the phone card I bought was missing. I frantically searched everywhere and finally figured that I must have dropped it somewhere (like in the Walmart parking lot).

Imagine my surprise when I happened to check the pumpkin pie in the freezer. My phone card was in the bag with the pie - frozen solid!

I won't apologize for this post being long, because I condensed it. It would have been a lot longer if I told everything that happened.

Just a typical day in the life of Jon.