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I can't sleep. It's not due to insomnia. It's because of too much caffeine. A tea fest.
I've been drinking Darjeeling tea. It's a long-time favorite of mine. I have many favorite teas - I experiment with them like some people experiment with drugs.
Darjeeling provides me with a wonderfully mellow high.
It's after midnight now. I'm in bed, writing this on my cell phone. A very cool and damp night. It's been raining for days, remnants of Hurricane Helene. Flood Warnings, but not to worry. I live high on a hill.
I'm in one of my infamous deep depressions. Don't take it too seriously, I'll survive. Without elaboration, I'll just say that I have many more problems than I ever reveal in this blog.
Life is one long agonizing ordeal filled with complications, detours, mazes, traps, disappointments, and annoyances.
Have I covered everything?
I'm talking to myself. You're not supposed to hear this. A whisper of midnight confessions.......
Dreading Tuesday, October 1st. I have to be in Cookeville at 8:00 a.m. for three (yes 3) hours of tests. A dismal way to begin my favorite month.
I'm ready to give everything up and refuse to comply. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Once enmeshed in the ravenous Medical Trap, there's no way out.
Enough of this. I'll have to surrender and summon what's left of my courage and....force myself to stagger over another hurdle.
But this is only one of many challenges. Many.
I'm suddenly realizing that this isn't a confession. It's a complaint. Disappointed?
Change of subject.
I'm thinking about my previous blog post. Those dumb autumn photos. I'm regretting one paragraph that I wrote. You might remember - -
In the Ozarks I was involved in a serious relationship that ended in chaos and disaster. "We almost killed each other. I think I won."
Innocent people might be puzzled by these words. Those who probed deeper might have discerned something startling between the lines.
Physical violence in a relationship! Would I have been brutal enough to battle with a woman? No way. Let me confess - - - during that final battle I almost broke a man's jaw (he could be sweet as cherry pie when sober, but a monster when drunk). I battled the monster and indeed won. End of relationship. I'm tougher than I look. And surprisingly.......versatile.
Think what you like. I might regret this confession.
It must be remembered that long ago I lived a wild, reckless, dangerous, hedonistic lifestyle in Hollywood. I admittedly shock myself when thinking about it.
No need to panic or cringe with disgust.
Nowadays I'm sweet, innocent, and pure as the wind driven snow. Or almost. I can't completely regret my sordid past because it was far too exciting. My adventures were deliciously astounding.
My sins are only between me and the Power Above.
In retrospect - despite all my flaws - I was blessed with a guardian angel who always reminded me about the light when I was immersed in darkness. And I'm greatful for that.
I was always an enigma, walking a thin line between darkness and light.
Somehow, I had pretty good balance.
Jon
