IMPENDING OBLITERATION

As if I didn't have enough problems, a Doomsday pronouncement hit me today like a dozen tons of bricks.

A major Arctic blast is predicted to hit this area of Tennessee on Thursday night. The temperature on Thursday night is predicted to be minus 6 degrees (Fahrenheit) - -  six degrees below zero.
The daytime "high" is supposed to be 2 degrees (Fahrenheit) on Friday. TWO degrees.

That probably doesn't sound too bad for those of you penguins living in the North Pole - - but here in Tennessee it's extraordinary. This is supposed to be a mild, southern state.

Current forecast:

Daytime high 2 degrees on Friday, 12 degrees on Christmas Eve.

Wind chills predicted to be minus 15.

I've been through an enormous amount of bad and dangerous times in my life. I generally don't scare easily.
This impending cold front is admittedly terrifying me. I'm truly afraid that I won't survive. This flimsy shack that I'm living in isn't made for Arctic weather. It's unbearably cold on a mild day. I can't even imagine what it will be like when the temp drops below zero.

The furnace isn't working. I'm presently relying on a few space heaters.
I can't escape. My car battery is dead. I was (foolishly?) waiting until after Christmas to order a new one.

If there is a power outage (which happens frequently in cold weather) I have no chance of surviving.

I'm frantically trying to prepare the house for the impending cold, but there isn't really much that I can do. Fix drafty cracks. Close off all the rooms.

This morning I was trying to get a large space heater that was stored away on a high shelf. It was nearly impossible to reach. As I was on my tiptoes in a desperate attempt to coerce it, the heavy box fell with a direct hit on my head. I really thought I had a concussion.

On the bright (?) side, some of the supplies that I ordered were delivered today. The rest will come tomorrow.

But who cares about supplies when you're terrified about freezing to death?

I'll keep writing updates as long as I'm able to.

Jon

FREEZING

You haven't fully experienced the unmitigated excitement of winter until your furnace dies and the temperature plummets to ZERO (0) overnight. And you're stuck smack dab in the freakin' wilderness, where no one will ever find your ice-encrusted corpse when you freeze to death.

I spent an unnervingly restless night, watching the frigid hours drag by, and fervently praying that there wouldn't be a power outage (which always occur during the coldest time of the year). 

I'm keeping reasonably warm with several space heaters and an electric blanket. I kept the sink faucets running (not dripping) all night, to avoid (hopefully) frozen water pipes.
A frozen water pipe burst under the house during the first winter that I lived here, and memories of the experience still torture me.

The temperature was three (3) degrees (Fahrenheit) at dawn, and only got up to around 12 degrees for most of the day. 

Ice. Ice is the culprit. The doors were frozen shut, and it took the warmth of a hair dryer to pry the back door open. The day was bright with sunshine, but that did nothing to thwart the ice or alleviate the cold.

Of course, nothing can dissuade me from wandering outside and taking photos - even though I had to stay near the house, and nearly turned into a popsicle within three minutes.
The intense glare from the sun, ice, and snow was blinding - rendering my photographic efforts less than satisfactory.

So, what other adventures did I have today?
The roast that I made in the slow cooker turned out perfect.
BUT.....despite the delicious tenderness of the roast and vegetables, one of my teeth broke while I was eating. It completely broke apart into fragments. Go figure.....

In an attempt to alleviate my nerves and forget the hundreds (no exaggeration) of problems that are plaguing me, I watched Murder on the Orient Express, starring David Suchet. It's one of my favorite Poirot episodes (and one of Agatha Christie's best books). I've seen it numerous times.
A chilling tale that unfolds on a snowbound train - depicting the inherent evil of humanity....

In case anyone is interested, all of the Suchet/Poirot PBS episodes are available for free on YouTube. Check out the YouTube channel BritTV.

Meanwhile.....
back here in the miserable wilds of Tennessee, it's supposed to be even colder tonight than last night and I'm dreading it.

Lately, I've been dreading every aspect of my miserable existence....but I suppose that's beside the point.

I have nothing more to offer, except some of the photos that I took today.

 

My car

 

ICEBERG AHEAD

It's going to be a frigid week. That's the Big Prediction. Icebergs, indeed.

Right now, in mid-afternoon, it's 18 degrees Fahrenheit. That probably doesn't seem very cold to those of you in Nome, but for temperate Tennessee it's downright freezing. Especially if you live in a drafty, poorly-insulated house.

Despite being in a rotten mood and feeling like I died three weeks ago, I forced myself to drive to town yesterday. It was a rare mild day - before the cold front blew in.

I finally got milk (which I forgot to buy the last time I was in town). And I got enough supplies to keep me cozy and well-fed for the next few weeks.

I noticed that the stores were out of numerous things that I needed - which seems to happen quite often in this minuscule town.
Walmart has been out of my cat's favorite food (Purina Complete) for the past month. I had to substitute a mishmash of other brands, including Friskies - which they hate.

I also finally bought...

drumroll here for effect

a new cell phone!
I didn't bother to activate it yet. I'm simply not in an activation mood.

I was shocked at the high prices on the cell phones with all the bells and whistles.

I'm not a bell and whistle type person.
"Smart" phones scare (and annoy) me.

I have friends who brag about the incredible capabilities of their smart phones.

Jon, you've GOT to get a smart phone!

I have a Super Smart Alexander Graham Bell Double Entendre Deluxe Luminary Dingleberry Piston 3095 -
with golden fintails and flashing flares.

It monitors my sleep-cycle, wakes me at dawn, turns on the water in my shower and sets it to 75 degrees, reads me the news headlines while I'm eating breakfast, starts the car engine before I'm out the door, and it monitors the weather all day and immediately alerts me of a temperature change or a fluxtuation in the forecast.

It walks my dogs, retrieves and sorts my mail, stores every photo I've taken since 1956, is capable of reading  over 100,000 books to me, plays five million games, sings bedtime lullabies to my kids, does my taxes, and - when set on "warm-up mode" - initiates foreplay before I have sex with my wife.

So what kind of phone did you buy, Jon?

Heck. I have a three dollar Tracfone. 

I can make calls from half a mile away.
And I can send texts, on clear days, during months that begin with the letter "B".

I'll consider getting a smart phone when it cleans the cat's litter boxes and drives to town to get my groceries. 


Okay - it's not funny....but you can't say I didn't try. 

THOUGHTS ON A FROZEN SUNDAY

We didn't get any snow, only timid flurries - but it's cold enough this morning to give a penguin frostbite.

All of the wash that I hung out to dry two days ago is now frozen solid. I just tried to bring it in, but the clothes pins are frozen to the clothes (my clothes dryer is still kaput, and there's no way in hell I can get a new one).

Due to the astronomical cost of heating, I use the furnace frugally. Just had it on for an hour. Turned it off, and already I can see my breath coming out in white puffs. No lie.

I'm trying to look at the bright side, but it's supposed to get much colder later today....and tonight....

Is tomorrow another holiday? I can't keep up with them. Here in the good ol' USA almost every Monday is a holiday of some kind or another.
Is it Martin Luther King Day?
Or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Day?
Or Antifa Day?
Or Androgynous Day?
Or Al-Qaeda Day? 

Hell if I know. 
I have the uncanny ability to be delightfully sarcastic even when I'm freezing.

This would probably be as good a time as any to expound on my previous blog post - and (indirectly) reply to some of your comments.

About grocery lists and forgetting things:

It would undoubtedly be a great idea for me to bring a list when I go grocery shopping - but I usually wind up losing it....or never bother to take it out of my pocket and look at it.

The long, perilous drive to town always shreds my nerves to the point where I'm usually a quivering heap of jelly by the time I get there.
And I always have to do so many things that my thoughts become jumbled and disjointed.

My usual routine consists of taking the trash to the trash place. I always do this first, because it's piled up in the back seat of my car (I no longer have a pickup truck like I did in Texas).

The trash place isn't a landfill. It's simply a fenced area where you have to wait in line until two hillbilly men come out and retrieve your trash.


Then I go to the filling station and put gas in the car. 
Next I go to the bank (drive-thru), which sometimes takes nearly forever.
Then I go to various places around town to pay my bills: utility, water, etc. etc.
Then I go to Walmart and any other place where I might need something (like hardware store).
Last but not least, I go to the supermarket for the bulk of my groceries.

By this time my mind is so fragmented and frazzled that I can hardly remember my gender - let alone what I'm going to buy.

In the supermarket, I mentally try to plan all the meals that I'll have for the next three or four weeks (not an easy task)
Then I attempt to calculate the cost of all the things in my shopping cart and pray that I have enough money.

It's surprisingly easy for me to forget things that I wanted to buy.

Finally, I have the excitement of the long drive home, the anticipation of trying to get up the hill to my house without getting stuck in the mud,
AND
dragging all the groceries up another muddy hill to get to the back door (where the kitchen is).

By this time I'm nearly catatonic, suicidal, and ready for Intensive Care.

Change of subject

About getting a new cell phone:

I've had a Tracfone for about six years and I'll probably get another one.
It suits my minimal needs perfectly - since I generally hate cell phones and only use them to text.
Tracfone is great, except for two negatives:

1. With Tracfone it's virtually impossible to transfer your videos to a computer. I have loads of videos on my Tracfone that I can't share or use.
Perhaps this is only a problem with older phones - I'm hoping the new ones are better.

2. Tracfone customer service is nearly non-existent. If you try to get on-line help, you'll be connected with a fourteen-year-old in Zimbabwe.
And they have NO email address. Only a snail mail business address somewhere in Florida.

Also, if you don't add more airtime before it expires there's a good chance you'll lose your phone service permanently.
I was able to reactivate my phone one time a few years ago after my airtime expired.

But THIS time it was a complete impossibility - and I lost $40 buying airtime cards that didn't work
(it's a VERY LONG story that I'm not in the mood to go into). 

Anyway, despite all the crap, I'm almost certain I'll get another Tracfone. 

This post is long and boring, but typing it helped keep my fingers warm.

It's presently 18 degrees (Fahrenheit) and will drop much lower late tonight.
I'll be up all night making sure the water pipes don't freeze.

FROZEN MONDAY

The only thing worse than a frequent blogger is a frequent blogger who's a chronic complainer.
I'm not talking about myself, of course.

I complained about my lousy Friday the 13th.

Then I wrote an excessively long post about getting stuck in the mud on Saturday night.
(sure it was long - but it was delightfully long).

Tonight I'm writing about my rotten Monday. Frozen Monday. Frigid Monday. It was so friggin' cold that it would have shocked Shackleton.

Naturally I had to drive into town. By the time I was ready to leave, the frigid temperature dropped and the icy rain turned into snow flurries, accompanied by a miserable icy wind.

Halfway to town I got a migraine headache. I always get aura migraines, which seriously affect my vision - with bright flashes, zigzag lines, and frightening blind spots.

Imagine me alone driving on a winding mountain road with ice and snow pelting the windshield, and a blinding migraine.

The migraine was still plaguing me when I got to the bank (in town), but by the time I arrived at Walmart it was slightly better.

I had to pee really bad. When I got to the restroom, the door was blocked and the janitors were cleaning it. 

At this point I said "To hell with everything! I'll hold the piss until I get home!"

And that's exactly what I did. I must have an extraordinary bladder.

About the only good thing is that I found some reasonably priced mailboxes in Walmart, and I'll probably buy one the next time I go there (see my previous post for an explanation).

The weather is supposed to "warm up" later in the week, but I won't hold my breath. I'm thoroughly disgusted with these mid-April freezes.
Next to autumn, spring is my favorite season - but there wasn't ONE surviving blossom this year. They all perished because of the endless frosts.

Well, that's enough complaining for now. 

On the bright side (he says with bitter sarcasm):

I'm presently doing some online (tediously annoying) work to earn some extra money.

I'm also in the process of opening a second Zazzle store - which will be more interesting, organized, and unique than my first one is. 

And I'm still working on my Hollywood memoirs which - hopefully - will be completed before I drop dead from my exhausting life here in the wilderness.
Believe me, writing about my chaotic, reckless, bizarre, unconventional, disgustingly salacious past isn't easy.

But it will (hopefully) be a good read.

ONLY A DUSTING

Yesterday I frightened and confused you with my poetry. Today I'll enthrall you with a dusting of snow.

Only a dusting. Ernest Shackleton or the Donner Party would have laughed at it. But I enjoyed it - most especially because there was no annoying accumulation. It happened just before dawn.

As soon as is it got light - - fool that I am - - I ventured outside and snapped a few extremely unimpressive photos. Since it was only about ten (10) degrees, my fingers nearly froze in a couple of minutes.....but I was able to leave my signature (first photo).

The temperature has been below freezing all week and usually drops to zero late at night. I feel lethargic and completely unmotivated. Despite the fact that I have many very important things to do, I have been doing nothing.

I crawl into bed and read. I care for the cats (which in itself can sometimes be a never-ending nerve wracking chore). 
Last night, in the throes of insomnia, I watched the 1990 Australian Ballet production of  Coppelia, with Lisa Pavane and Greg Horsman (who, at the time, were married). It was superb and lifted my spirits to dangerously high levels.
Note: this production is available on YouTube (search Australian Ballet, Coppelia).

I'm hoping that sometime soon I will thaw out and resume my mundane, unenviable, miserable, complicated, unconventional life.
I said that with a smidgen of humor, but nobody's laughing.

Photos! Photos, please!

At the crack of dawn, before it was light. I used the (camera) flash.

The trail that leads to my car

(the garage is still too crowded with junk to accommodate any vehicles)

 In the afternoon the temperature soared to 15 degrees (Fahrenheit, for those of you in Pakistan) and the sun appeared.

                                                                                                                                                           

I'll be the first to admit that this is a crappy blog post. 

Have no fear - much more exciting things will be appearing in the future.

 

DEEP FREEZE WITH MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT

Five days until spring....
This is the coldest March I can remember. An Arctic blast descended from the north and I'm freezing my dinglezoobies off.

"Dinglezoobies" is a little-known medical term that refers to regions of the body of which we are reluctant to openly discuss.


The temp dropped to 12 degrees last night (that's Fahrenheit, for those of you in Jeddah). I'm in Tennessee, which is supposed to be a southern (mild) state. Today's landscape was encrusted in ice worthy of a Shackleton expedition.

I stayed up all night to make sure the water pipes didn't freeze. 
While babysitting with the pipes, I passed the frigid hours by transferring more of my old piano tapes to mp3 files. 

An extremely rare cassette tape of one of my recitals got caught in the recorder and was ripped apart (one of many reasons why I've always despised cassettes). I'm fairly adept at fixing them, but it requires disassembling the cassette and splicing the tape together with surgical precision.

I was sitting on my bed, messing around with the ravaged cassette tape. The headboard of my bed has a bookcase and there's a heavy metal lamp on it.
Somehow -
the lamp fell and hit me right on the head. Unfortunately it didn't knock any sense into me - but it hurt like hell.

So, where is the musical accompaniment?
Here it is. I just made two more quick "videos" from my old (ancient) piano recordings.

This first one is very short. It's the Prelude in C minor by Johann Sebastian Bach - one of my very oldest recordings, which I made when I was seventeen yrs. old. Holy crap, that was about a thousand years ago.

I used to perform a lot of Bach when I was a music student, but I personally never liked to play his music on a modern piano. The harsh and overpowering mechanisms of the pianoforte (and the pedal) are in complete contrast to Baroque music. Bach should ideally be played on a clavichord or harpsichord. 
I played a 17th century Dutch harpsichord when I was in college (at that time I was the only student allowed to play it).

 My second musical selection is  Polichinelle op.3 no.4 by Serge Rachmaninov.

Polichinelle is derived from the commedia dell 'arte character Pulcinella, which (in layman's terms) is Punch from Punch and Judy.
 Confused? Heck, so am I.


Anyway, this is an early composition by Rachmaninov - he wrote it in 1892 when he was nineteen.

It's also an early recording by me. I recorded this in Los Angeles when I was either twenty or twenty-one.

SNOW AND FLUFF

Snow. It flurried all day Friday. Not much accumulation, only an inch or two, but it's colder than a snowman's hug. Presently, early Saturday morning, it's 8 degrees. That's Fahrenheit, for those of you in Hades. 
No, I didn't mean Haiti. I meant Hades.

My December utility bill made me shiver with fright. It tripled since November. And I hardly use any utilities. I keep the heat down as low as possible and often don't even turn it on. It's definitely on tonight, and I stayed up all night to make sure the water pipes didn't freeze.

It's been an extremely quiet night. Nothing stirred. The 'possums ventured out at dusk and I fed them. Yes, there are two. A 'possum pair.

I always make sure the cats are snug. Bosco always sleeps under the covers with me, as close as he can get. It's often uncomfortable (for me) but I'd never kick him out.

Come to think of it, I've never kicked anyone out of my bed in my entire life - and I've slept with some unappealing creatures in my time. I just threw that in to enhance your entertainment.

 I didn't venture far to take pictures. This is right outside one of my windows.

Change of subject (just some uninteresting fluff):
I'm going to switch my email provider soon. I've been with AOL for at least 15 years and I'm weary of it. I have persistent problems with my password, no matter how many times I change it - and I'm bombarded with spam. It's gotten to the point where I hardly ever read or write emails anymore.

I took some videos with my cell phone but can't transfer them to my computer. It's a looong story that I won't go into. In essence, I have to purchase a contraption in order to do the transfer.
I'm not in the mood to buy a contraption. 

Question: is life getting more complicated and frustrating - or is it just me? It seems that in the glorious era before computerization, I still had my sanity. Or, most of it....

Anyone who reads my blog regularly (all two of you) probably noticed that I changed my profile picture at least five times in the past two weeks.

Actually, I despise all of my profile pictures - especially since I haven't looked good in a photo since the Eisenhower administration (slight exaggeration).

That photo on my sidebar - Bad Hombre - is recent, but it's scary. 
Of course, I still look a helluva lot better than some people my age - but that's beside the point.

Strangely enough, when I used this pic for my profile I got a lot of compliments on it.

That kinda unnerved me. I love cats, but I don't really want to be one.

 I thought of using a gay Confederate flag for my profile pic just to unhinge everyone. But I don't want to start a rumble.

Then I considered using a picture that directly reflects my personality, but I don't want to be too alarming.

I also don't want to come across as too "butch"...

...or too fem...

..or too young...
although you can never be too young.

I thought about using a 'possum pic...

....but finally decided on a New Year cat. At least for the fleeting moment.

 An alley cat in upscale attire. Kinda cute. Like me.

DEEP FREEZE

 

icicles

 

I was rudely awakened by the nearby sound of gunshots. Hunters are everywhere today and most are far too close for comfort.

I've been in a dangerously rabid mood all weekend. My initial thought was that I should probably be quarantined. Then I realized that I am basically quarantined, in this rustic purgatory of a mountain retreat.


Spell Check keeps insisting that I spelled "quarantine" wrong. Screw them.

I'm glad my cats all have their rabies shots, because I might bite.

Winter is firmly ensconced here in the Tennessee backwoods, and the Arctic temperatures keep reminding me that I should have moved somewhere more temperate. Like Guam.

It's presently 5 degrees (Fahrenheit) as I write this, and snow is predicted to enhance our misery by Wednesday. I had to stay up all night (again) to make sure the pipes didn't freeze. It's going to be a bitch of a week and I don't plan on venturing out anywhere for any reason. If worse comes to worse I'll make feline stew. Scruffy and Scratch will be the first victims. Since Bosco has the most agreeable temperament, I'll save him for next week.

I have an EXTREMELY important letter to be mailed. It's a near-matter of life and death.
My only two options are to:
1. Drive a million miles into town on dangerously icy mountain roads
or
2. Risk putting it in my mailbox and pray that the incompetent and sporadic mail carrier will pick it up some time before summer.

I opted to risk leaving it in the mailbox. 

Early last evening I bundled up against the 15 degree (Fahrenheit) chill and braved the long.....and I mean LOOONG... walk to my mailbox. The damn thing was frozen shut and I had to pry it open. I propped up the frozen little red flag and said a prayer to the Letter Gods that the errant mail carrier will see it on Monday (that's today).

The uphill walk back home in the frigid temperatures nearly killed me. By the time I got to the front porch I was breathless and dizzy with chest pains. 

I sat down at my computer in an attempt to recover, and checked the news headlines.
There - - was an alarmingly huge photo of Martin Luther King glaring at me, with the horrifying pronouncement that Monday is his birthday. Banks, schools, and post offices will be closed. NO MAIL DELIVERY.

My important letter will have to sit in that frozen box for at least another day. Or two or three or four - depending on the weather. And the whim of the mail carrier.

My question:
How many frickin' holidays are there????
It seems like every Monday is a holiday. Soon we'll have so many "holidays" that they will become one endless year-long holiday. I can see it now:

Oprah Day, Obama Day, Geronimo Day, Pocahontas Day, Tokyo Rose Day, Moms Mabley Day....Bill Crosby Day.....

....O.J.Simpson Day...... 

I'm anxiously awaiting Betty Boop Day.

(fat chance, huh?)